Why is my child not following the rules?

Children are very good observers in ways we do not realize. They have the capacity to understand every detail faster than we do. They copy us much faster, especially before puberty. They live in the moment rather than dealing with future anxiety and past traumas like adults. Therefore, we should not forget that our children, who see and observe us more with their open minds, take our behavior as an example.

As parents, we want them to adapt to us towards the end of infancy. We want him to act as we want when we want, sleep for hours, eat, stay in place, run, jump, talk, wait, stand in line, leave, express his feelings, solve his problems on his own, solve his conflicts, and we start waiting. If you meet these expectations normally, you should accept that the people who are responsible for these expectations are the parents and the people who look after the child closest to the child. The contradictions that will occur in our own behaviors and the thoughts we express are also very effective in children’s adoption of the rules. At this point, it is one of the behaviors we should pay attention to as parents. CONSISTENTis that we are.

Children by nature seek boundaries. Because they are afraid in the moment of danger and need protection. When we set boundaries, we actually offer them a comfort zone. Assuming that there are no rules, free time is excessive, and that the child will feel a sense of freedom, living without limits can actually cause the child to feel insecurity, vulnerability and loneliness. That’s why we need to stand somewhere between freedom and rule, enough to meet the needs of children together, no matter how hard they push the limit.

Instead of blaming our own language of expression, it is necessary to try to construct sentences that start with “I” and explain the effects on yourself and your environment, which will enable him to develop more empathy and make him think that it is not just because it is a rule, but that it should be so. This subject ME LANGUAGE AND YOU LANGUAGEYou can read and learn from my articles on the topic.

Children who grow up in unruly homes may not know how to stand or what to do while they feel free because there is no limit to how they will behave. In order to set and enforce rules, there must be a bond between the child and the parent. The expectation of following the rules from the top without understanding the needs of the child will be unrealistic, so the rules and boundaries will be unrealistic. CHILD’S NEEDSshould be created with priority.

Clearly explaining the information about the situation from the beginning so that it behaves the way we want will be useful for the child to understand the situation and know what to do. For example, before going to a market, asking if there is anything he wants from the market, determining the limit before going to the market and deciding together will prevent the crisis that will be experienced there.

You can take a practical look at your rule creation problem by asking these questions.

  • Was the child able to establish the rule in his mind for reasons?
  • Is it appropriate for the child’s age?
  • Does it meet the child’s needs or is it a rule that will hinder his needs?
  • Does he/she witness the behaviors that he/she will take as an example regarding the rule you are trying to implement with the child?
  • Could you set an example for the child in the behavior you expect?

Stopping, waiting, thinking, these are behaviors that can be seen in the family. It would be absurd for a caregiver who cannot manage stress to expect this from their child. Examples can be multiplied, such as a person who does not let go of his phone, placing a screen ban on his child.

In order not to be inconsistent when the rules are set, it is necessary to try to choose the ways of making the child love and encouraging, without conflicting with the child, by making it interesting by considering his needs, without forcing him to cry. For example, you can produce things that will initially interest the child, who does not want to go to the bathroom when taking a bath, to play with the water. Establishing a routine called bath time, you need to repeat it many times by putting it into words. Or you can make him learn to hear the same sentence 20 times with him. “I’m going to wash your baby, do you want to wash it too?” Inviting with a catchy phrase such as, “When would it be appropriate for you to take a bath?” if an older child. A correct way of communication with the child can be created by giving the responsibility to the child. Feeding him with encouraging phrases such as “well done we are doing this” while doing a job can help him like it and repeat that behavior. You can meet the child’s need for fun by being offered games that interest the child, who does not want to leave the computer or TV, and then spend time together.

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