If there are the same problems that the person has repeatedly experienced in their relationships and cannot find a solution to, the reason may be due to the desire to successfully end the negative relationship patterns in the past or childhood in their current relationship. The main problem here is that the partner chosen to live the happy final scene is chosen as characters similar to the lead characters of the negative patterns in the past.
So what are the effects of these problematic relationship models; If the person has traumatic experiences, neglect and abuse during his childhood, if he has not received enough love and trust, if he has not had a healthy and secure attachment to his parents, these negativities determine the shape of his next relationship.
People with a traumatic past choose to overcome the love, trust, and sense of belonging that they could not acquire in their adulthood in their relationships during their adult years. The main purpose here is to experience the same scenario in the past and to meet the missing need for trust and love, and this time to achieve a happy ending, that is, the illusion of making a non-existent structure die.
For example, a daughter who has an unrelated, irresponsible, alcoholic father may later choose a similar structure to her father as a partner, and this is very normal for her, since her past relationship scheme also includes the same pattern, so she cannot think otherwise and provide. He thinks that by normalizing all kinds of unhealthy conditions, he can overcome the deficiencies that he did not acquire in his childhood with this partner of the same model. However, with the illusion that he will be at peace, he may even become dependent on the person in front of him. He invests too much in his relationship, gives without return, restricts his sociability, gives up his identity, identifies his existence with his partner and continues to make more concessions with the delusions that he would disappear without him, and starts to feel like he cannot live without her, he calls it love or love.. .!
He restricts his partner’s freedom for fear of losing and being alone, acts excessively controlling; Even on a late phone call, since a healthy self-perception does not develop, the fear of losing is triggered, causing panic and gradually trying to dominate the private areas of the person in front of him more and more… and this desire to trust will never be satisfied. When he can’t get a response, he manipulates with various emotional or physical threats, so he can try to make his partner’s free will dysfunctional.
If the partner has a healthy self-perception who will understand that this situation is not normal, he will not choose to exist in the relationship and will end it… Moreover, in this type of relationship, the person who gives up his/her self becomes open to abuse. a path to emotional and even physical violence is opened.
However, people do not terminate the relationship, they rationalize the situation and activate their defense mechanisms; He rationalizes pathology with thoughts such as “Actually, he loves me… He expresses his love like this… It’s my fault, I should be a little more selfless.” He accepts his life without questioning, fearing that he will not be able to exist. If such a relationship continues, it would be appropriate to look for a pathological past story in the partner. Because while a healthy individual does not choose to be there by noticing the abnormality in such a relationship, if there are unhealthy relationship patterns from the past that complement each other on both sides; their love in a bumpy, resentful, painful way! they continue…
For example, if the first female mother model in the mind of the male partner of the addicted person is passive, unable to defend himself, and compromising, the nature of the relationship is accepted as such, since these characteristics are also reflected by the current female partner.
Well, how to deal with it… first of all, the person should ensure his/her situation by referring to healthy relationships, he/she should accept that he/she has an unhealthy relationship, he/she should choose to get support by realizing that the problem can be resolved and he/she is in control. The person with an addicted structure should try to end or maintain the relationship in a healthy way by persuading his partner to therapy.
NOTE : I also have a movie suggestion suitable for the subject of the article; “Bitter Moon” directed by Roman Polanski from 1992. While watching this time, let’s evaluate the relationships in the scenario in the light of the characters’ history. Enjoy watching…