Why Are Fathers More Resistant to Psychotherapy?

Did you know that children whose fathers are interested in their academic life are more successful in school life? Well, as the father-child interaction increases, the child’s mathematical intelligence and vocabulary increase. What about the father more than the mother in identity development?

I also gave a session to the parents for a seven-year-old client. While the mother was so willing and willing, the father was nervous and found the reason for his arrival meaningless. I started the interview with the family by asking them to talk a little bit about themselves. I asked them to talk about their own families, their childhood, their parents’ attitudes. Suddenly, the father, who had not spoken in the session until then: “How so, we brought our child here, why are we talking? ‘ she interrupted. I said to them: “Well, you brought your child here; I am also curious about your childhood, the child in you, and I want to talk about it.” I replied as. The father stared with an angry expression, saying that it was his first time to see a psychologist and he was very nervous. As a therapist, I was aware of your father’s nervousness, and I was wondering about the reason behind this tension.

I explained the process to the family a little more, and with the relief of the father, I began to receive information about his childhood and his parents. Father; She said that her mother was a very dominant woman, and her father was just as passive. He always assumed an embarrassing role against his mother, his mother; she was expressing that she was very cruel to her own mistakes, that’s why she couldn’t express herself many times. While saying that his father’s presence and absence are one, he was actually revealing his anger towards his father. As he spoke, the words began to knot and his eyes filled with tears. I knew he was holding himself back from crying. I told her that she could leave herself alone, that she could leave even if she wanted to cry. Thereupon, the father suddenly left him, and when his wife extended his hand to him, he became even more intense and began to cry.

In fact, the father himself answered why he came to therapy. Who told her that a man’s emotions should always be hidden and controlled? Maybe no one said it, but there was a strong belief that he learned as a child: ” I must not make mistakes” and ” I have to hide my feelings” .

Parents, who brought their children to therapy for self-confidence, actually saw where they supported their children and where they could not. When we bring our children to therapy, we actually bring our own childhood with us. Sometimes we have resistances, of course, but the important thing is that we can break this resistance.

Men dont cry! Especially dads never cry!

Growing up in a patriarchal society enables men to adopt a “strong, non-crying, resilient” attitude. In fact, strength and endurance; through the expression and liberation of their feelings. Men’s crying, being fragile, or being emotional doesn’t make them weaker, they make them stronger and more sincere.

Psychotherapy and treatment processes, which have become important especially in recent years, are of interest to families. Although men do not want to engage in emotional processes (therapy resistance) is quite high, this resistance has been decreasing in recent years.

Fathers who are invited to the sessions have difficulty in coming to the sessions because they feel that they will be blamed or criticized. We often encounter fathers who bring thoughts such as “If they find my mistake, or if I am blamed, if I am a bad father, or if I reveal my shortcomings while explaining myself”.

Remember, fathers are the most precious of children… We can never ignore the role of fathers in their children’s lives for self-confidence and identity development. A good father is not a faultless father. a good father; He is a father who makes mistakes, can forgive himself despite his mistakes, heals himself with tolerance, and makes compassionate transitions towards his child’s mistakes.

I don’t know if the father in the case I just shared will come to the next session, but I thank him for being involved in such a difficult process and supporting us. My advice to all fathers: “If you have a wound in the past, do not heal it; It is very difficult to contribute to your child without embracing your pain. Let people call you crazy, let your environment react to you for coming to therapy. Sometimes we need to ignore all these and take the first step for our own development and for our children…”

Remember; maybe the problem is not in our inner child, but in our inner parent.

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