In a healthy relationship, each spouse is aware of their responsibilities and limits. He knows what it means to be together as well as individual. He is at peace with himself, he has determined what his wishes are, and being alone does not scare him. The person who is happy in himself also makes the other person happy. There is trust, love, respect and sharing in the relationship. Spouses are trying to enrich their relationship. While spouses who do not fear losing each other enjoy being together, the idea of childbearing reinforces and strengthens their relationship.
In a marriage where the opposite is experienced, giving birth to a child may turn the relationship into a nightmare instead of adding color to the relationship. Rather than saving the child marriage, it may be necessary to save the child from this marriage environment. Children born to strengthen the marriage, to bind the spouse to himself or to the marriage cannot save the marriage, and they remain in trouble or have broken families. Some spouses try to maintain their marriage due to the presence of children, but because they cannot be happy, they cannot make their environment happy, especially their children.
In our society, especially women try to have children shortly after marriage in order to keep their husbands at home or to play an active role in their relationships. Even some of our family elders and people around us: “Being a child strengthens marriage.” We often hear the words. Many people have the misconception that a child will emotionally bring partners closer together. However, having children in troubled marriages causes the spouses to distance themselves from each other rather than emotionally intimacy. Children require care and attention. When raising a child, it is necessary for parents to take responsibility together. If only one party is responsible, it creates resentment on the loaded party. In this case, the relationship becomes even more erratic. There are problems of different sizes. While women generally think that they have become closer to their spouses by having children, men do not take such a view very warmly. The woman neglects her husband even more while taking care of the child. This situation, on the contrary, weakens the emotional bond instead of strengthening it.
What is the best time for children in troubled marriages? It is best for both spouses to want to have children and to do so after a healthy development in their relationships. If one of the spouses wants a child and the other does not, then it is natural to experience problems. In many marriages, couples use children as targets in their fights with each other. The spouse who wanted the child emotionally turns his back on the other spouse, gets too close to the child and establishes an emotional home with the child. Makes emotional charges to your child. ‘My son or daughter is my everything.’ ‘I can’t live without my son or daughter.’ says words like she. Such words and behaviors create jealousy and rivalries within the family. As it causes gaps between spouses, it also makes the child emotionally dependent. Spouses move away from each other, the bilateral relationship turns into a relationship between the child and the adult rather than the way it should be. Happy and healthy babies are born and raised in loving homes where both partners want children. The decision to have children should be made together, and this decision should not serve the purpose of saving the marriage.
Spouses should be understanding and tolerant of each other even when they cannot meet each other’s needs. When spouses learn to listen and understand each other, harmony and integrity are achieved between spouses. When such a solid foundation is formed, the spouses are ready to have children. Like the construction of a building, it is necessary to first establish a solid foundation, and then color and revitalize that building. If the foundation is not solid, one day it will surely collapse. It is the right thing to at least eliminate the damage that this destruction will cause to its environment. If the marriage is shaken and the spouses cannot communicate with each other, giving birth to a child will reinforce this miscommunication and increase the shaking. The lack of communication that cannot be established will cause one side to try to communicate with their child and use all their energy with him, while on the other side, he will feel empty and turn to the outside. Couples who decide to have a child to “save the marriage” realize that their relationship has become more and more deadlock over time. The worst thing is that this situation causes them to feel anger towards the child and not show interest and love. Children have difficulty in coping with this situation, experience the loss of being unwanted or having played the savior role. Even in marriages that sometimes go very well, your problems increase after you have children. In other words, even when the child is born in a good relationship, the quality of the relationship may deteriorate, as responsibilities are imposed on the spouses during the growth process.
What should you consider when deciding to have a child?
– First of all, you should get to know yourself, your partner and your relationship. You should know what you expect from your spouse and marriage, and determine your expectations from life. The child brought into an unhealthy relationship does not reduce the problems, on the contrary, they increase it and may have to grow up in a familyless environment.
– Review your relationship. Question whether you have reached the maturity to be a parent.
– Set your goals. You need to decide how much of your expectations you can fulfill and how much you can postpone.
– Remember; Giving birth to a child in an environment with financial and moral difficulties will cause your child to experience the same problems. A child who is raised willingly and lovingly by his parents will be a healthy individual.
– We, adults, bring children into the world for our own will. While doing this, we should at least provide the opportunity to be born in a calm, peaceful and happy environment. It’s not fair to give your child the role of a savior before he’s even born.