What’s Your Attachment Style?

How are you in your relationship in terms of intimacy and intimacy?

How much does your relationship occupy your mind during the day?

How much do you trust your partner with whom you are in a relationship?

Do you feel like you are drowning in the relationship?

The answers to such questions reveal how couples bond and their attachment styles. For a clearer understanding, in this article, first of all, what is connecting briefly? I will start with and then talk about attachment styles that adults have.

What is Attachment?

The basis of attachment theory was created by John Bowlby and has found its current form with the contributions and studies of many researchers. However, to make a concise definition, Bowlby describes attachment as a strong emotional bond between the infant and the caregiver. After Bowlby, the issue of attachment has been discussed by many psychologists and researchers because, according to Bowlby’s statement, this strong bond established between the baby and the caregiver guides the whole life of the individual from the cradle to the grave and affects their close relationships significantly. Attachment theory is a very important theory for developmental psychology and psychologists because it is an important concept that can affect an individual’s whole life, and it is possible to see many studies on it today.

Knowing about the attachment style in adulthood is necessary for the individual to learn and understand his own attachment style, to establish and maintain a healthy relationship. For this reason, let’s take a closer look at the four attachment styles specified in Bartholomew and Horowitz’s Quadruple Attachment Model and what is your attachment style? Let’s find the answer to your question…

What’s Your Attachment Style?

Secure Attachment Style: Individuals with secure attachment style have low anxiety levels and avoidance behaviors. Adults who have grown up with warm contact (hugging, hugging, caressing, kissing, etc.) and love during childhood become individuals who love, value and trust both themselves and their partners in their romantic relationships because they know love. They can express their feelings and thoughts in a healthy way and can empathize. They do not hesitate to establish intimacy in their relationships and display compassionate behaviors. They do not show excessive jealousy because they do not have the fear of being disliked or rejected, and they make an evaluation within the framework of the lived event and approach the problems with a solution-oriented approach, rather than reviewing their long relationships after each discussion. They prefer to talk and communicate in a healthy way rather than tripping or getting offended in their relationships.

Obsessive (anxious) Attachment Style: Individuals with an obsessive attachment style have high anxiety and low avoidance behaviors. Individuals feel worthless because of their high anxiety, they believe that they are not worthy of being loved by others. They want to be extremely close with their partners in order to be loved, approved and valued by others because they feel valued as long as they are approved. However, this need for extreme intimacy can be challenging from time to time. They have a constant fear of being abandoned. They put their partners at the center of their lives during the period they are in a relationship and they get attached to them quickly. They fear being cheated on and abandoned because they don’t feel valued enough. For this reason, they can be restrictive and overly jealous in their relationships. They are reactive people, express their thoughts with their behaviors rather than verbally, often tripping or getting offended. They take many things in a relationship personally, keep a good record of events and do not forget easily.

Possible sentences that can be heard from a partner with an anxious attachment style:

He can’t treat me like this, he sees that day…

I called 10 times, why won’t he pick up?, who knows what he’s doing now oooo!

My life never goes well anyway!

Nobody really likes me!

I know, there’s someone else for sure.

Please, don’t leave me… I can’t stand it…

Indifferent Attachment Style : Individuals with a dismissive attachment style have low anxiety and high avoidance behaviors. As with the secure attachment style, although their anxiety levels are low and they have a positive self-image, they avoid intimacy, romantic relationships, and needing others. They don’t see others as lovable, they don’t like too much intimacy in a relationship, they feel like they’re suffocating. They are more likely to humiliate, belittle, criticize and compare their partners negatively. For this reason, they can be offensive to their partners in their relationships. When everything seems to be fine, they may suddenly distance themselves and move away from the relationship.

Possible sentences that can be heard from a partner with a dismissive attachment style:

He needs me.

I pity him.

I feel like I’m drowning when I’m with him

He’s trying to take over my life!

It’s always my fault because of him.

Fearful Attachment Style: Individuals with fearful attachment style have high anxiety and high avoidance behaviors. This attachment style is exactly the opposite of secure attachment. Individuals feel worthless because of their high anxiety, they believe that they are not worthy of being loved by others and they do not see others as worthy of being loved. They avoid being in a close relationship because they fear disappointment, rejection, and abandonment. In general, they prefer superficial relationships where a close and intense relationship that does not suit them can not be experienced.

Possible phrases that can be heard from a partner with a fearful attachment style:

I knew it wasn’t right for me.

I am not suitable for intimacy.

I have distances!

If I don’t have the Secure Attachment style, can I have the secure attachment style later?

While the attachment style of the individual with a secure attachment style does not change easily, the attachment style of the individual with other attachment styles may oscillate towards the secure attachment style with the help of counseling and therapy. In this process, the important thing is to realize yourself and take action for it.

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