Family consists of mother, father and children and is the smallest institution of society. Providing peace in the family is the most important expectation that couples have for marriage. Since social institutions are relationship-based, the family is also a relationship-based structure. The basis of a healthy relationship is respect, trust, loyalty, love, healthy communication, solidarity, understanding, honesty and responsibility. In families based on these, individuals can clearly express what they see, hear and feel, both to themselves and to their family members. Family members are emotionally attached to each other. Family members spend time together and enjoy it. They are respectful of each other’s ideas and opinions. Differences are embraced by family members and accepted without judgment.
Psychological resilience cannot be maintained in an unhealthy family. Individuals are not compatible with each other. Because of this situation, negative emotional states such as loneliness, self-isolation, helplessness, hopelessness, lovelessness, anxiety, disappointment, and blame are intense in some family members.
In such cases, you should ask yourself: How do you feel that you are loved in your marriage? How does your spouse express his love for you? What words and behaviors does he use? Next, you need to increase your awareness of your own thoughts and behaviors. For example, ask yourself, “How do I show my love?” When you ask the question, you can think about what you answer.
The way of expressing love is important for a quality union. For example, buying a gift on an ordinary day, hugging or touching your spouse for no reason, brewing a tea or making coffee… You can offer her favorite drinks just because you feel like it. This is actually a gesture that both women and men can do to their partner. If you don’t feel like you have that energy, you can also say words that you think might please him. Maybe a huge effect may not be seen at once, but it is still worth a try. You know, drop by drop becomes a lake… So, doing such small happiness-inducing behaviors will increase your value in his eyes over time.
A peaceful family life is everyone’s dream. But sometimes things don’t go as expected in a marriage. Afterwards, the couples begin to live back and forth between continuing the marriage or not. Arguments intensify, the lack of understanding increases, the distance between couples increases, and sometimes psychological or physical violence comes into play. You may need to evaluate your marriage. In such cases, marriage counseling may be required. Professional help can be sought after a traumatic event between couples (cheating, abortion, loss of a child, violence, problems arising from the partner’s family, etc.) or when the couples are in constant argument, conflict, tension with each other, or when the spouses are separated from each other and their feelings cannot be reciprocated. In this case, it is important how the spouses perceive their marriage.
Although the spouses do not feel anything towards each other, they may not separate due to their religious beliefs and continue an unhappy marriage. The fact that a couple who has to get married because they will have children see marriage as an obligation and continue it also reinforces the feeling of unhappiness. Many examples of such situations can be given. To summarize briefly, if couples start to call their marriage a union arising out of necessity, there will be no excitement or love. However, conflicts between spouses are inevitable.
It is not always possible to agree on everything. Of course, there may be some conflicts in the family. Spouses who do not conflict with each other can distance themselves from each other and become cold. It may not always be possible to be logical and reasonable. At this point, spouses may need to leave each other a margin of error.
Couples often apply to therapy by saying that the other party needs to change. However, the change of one party with professional help may lead to different conflicts between spouses. Therapy is a professional collaboration.
In order to save the marriage, first of all, couples should evaluate their perspectives on marriage separately. What does marriage mean to you? What is the ideal relationship like? What is the real problem in your marriage? Questions such as: Next, you should determine to what extent your problem is affecting your marriage. Then, the spouses should set the personal goals in their lives separately. Which solutions have been tried so far should be reviewed and new and different options should be determined. What do you do when the problem occurs? You must observe yourself. You should look at which behaviors you change reduce the impact of your problem. We loved each other, but instead of worrying about what happened, different solutions should be sought. Spouses should express their feelings towards each other. Developing conflict skills is important at this point. Conflict management must be learned without being disruptive. In order to establish a healthy communication, spouses should choose to be happy instead of trying to be right. Crises can both destroy and strengthen the marriage… The important thing is the way couples deal with this situation.
Empathy is the most important part. The person who puts himself in the place of the other person can better understand his partner’s feelings and can accept and compensate for this mistake when he commits a wrong behavior. “Can’t, can’t, again? are you always like this?… try to understand him instead of using his patterns on your partner.
Do not forget to experience the romance. You should spend your time in a balanced way. The only thing that will never come back is time. Therefore, you can make your special moments with your partner unforgettable. You can do activities that you can be alone with. Also, don’t neglect your sex life. However, take on the responsibilities of being a family together. Remember, family ties are strengthened as family members share in common. You can show that you notice the little behaviors that will make him happy by observing.
Spouses want to be valued by their loved ones. You don’t need to be a perfectionist. No one expects you to read your spouse’s mind, which is simply not possible. Making eye contact with your partner will be effective for emotional intimacy. When you support or show your love to your partner, he or she will feel valued. Instead of judging and accusing him of his misbehaviors, discuss them and talk. Ignoring problems does not help. In addition, when we look at the long-term effects of this, it is seen that it creates a relationship between spouses. Not talking about problems causes spouses to distance themselves from each other. You can warn your spouse and make him feel that you are with him in his wrong actions. In this way, he will understand that you value him.
Divorce is not the only solution. But the solution is not to endure an unhappy marriage and try to maintain it. Go to the beginning and ask yourself why you got married. Develop your love and respect for each other. Reinforce your confidence. Discuss your problems with each other. Engage in level discussions. It is important that these discussions are aimed at solving the problem. Create a shared space with your partner. Remember, it’s up to you to manage your life!