The attachment system is an evolutionary system that ensures human survival. We need attachment figures to protect ourselves from dangers. Our first attachment figures are our parents. With the confidence they give us, we begin to explore life. Initial attachment behaviors; crying, watching, touching, and being upset. Attachment patterns are part of our character. According to John Bowlby’s theory; The relationships we establish in adulthood bear traces of our childhood. The relationships we form with our parents in childhood form four types of adult attachment styles. These;
Secure Attachment, Insecure Anxious Attachment, Insecure Avoidant Attachment, and Fearful-Avoid Attachment.
People with the “Secure Attachment” style;
They have high emotional intelligence. Their ability to convey and express their emotions in an appropriate and constructive way has developed.
· They do not shy away from sincerity.
· They can draw healthy, appropriate and reasonable boundaries when necessary.
They can feel safe and comfortable when alone or with someone else.
· Have a positive view of relational and personal interactions.
· High ability to cope with interpersonal difficulties. They are in favor of solving problems step by step, rather than attacking a person.
Of course, people with a Secure Attachment Style aren’t perfect either. They have their ups and downs just like everyone else. Their generally mature approach to relationships makes this the healthiest of the four adult attachment styles.
People with the “Insecure Anxious Attachment” style;
They tend to feel more nervous and less secure in relationships in general, especially romantic ones. They tend to have a lot of stress in relationships based on both real and imagined events. These stressors are neediness, possessiveness, jealousy, control, mood swings, hypersensitivity, obsession, etc. may present itself with various possible problems such as
· They tend to be suspicious of people and to have automatic negative thinking when interpreting the intentions, words and actions of others. They constantly need love and validation to feel safe and accepted. They react negatively when they can’t be made to feel love and approval on a regular basis.
They are drama oriented. Because of their search for security and acceptance, they constantly put the relationship to the test, and they can sometimes cause trouble for it. Some feel more comfortable in stormy relationships than in calm and peaceful ones.
They do not like to be alone. They have a really hard time being on their own.
· His past may include emotionally turbulent relationships.
People with the “Insecure Avoidant Attachment” style;
They are extremely independent and self-sufficient. They are behaviorally and emotionally independent.
· They avoid real intimacy, which can make someone vulnerable. They desire emotional and physical independence (“I cannot marry anyone”). They repel those who get too close (“I want room to breathe.”). Rather than romantic relationship, their priorities in life are usually work, social life, personal projects and passions, travel, entertainment, etc. It is based on things. Because of this, their partners often feel excluded.
· Many have attachment problems. Some would rather be single than have a partner. In relationships, they place a lot of importance on autonomy.
· They may be crowded, but they have few close relationships. Some may be passive-aggressive and/or narcissistic.
People who have the “Fearful Avoidant Attachment” style;
Generally, this type of attachment is associated with very difficult life experiences such as grief, abandonment, and abuse.
They desire intimacy but simultaneously resist intimacy. They experience a lot of internal conflict.
They struggle with the desire to trust or not to trust others.
· When they love and establish a happy relationship, they have an intense fear that they will spoil it.
They tend to doubt the intentions, words, and actions of others.
· They push people away from themselves and have very few genuinely close relationships.
Most people’s attachment styles can change over time or have varying degrees of these four attachment styles. While those with the Secure Attachment style tend to form strong relationships, people with the other three styles can also form successful relationships. Self-awareness, mutual support, mutual desire for growth, and the courage to seek professional help when needed are some of the important elements of positive relational development. However, the absence of these elements can create incompatibility problems in the relationship.