to marry? To join?

They asked Melih Cevdet Anday; “What is marriage?” saying. The master replied: “In the past, the family of the girl’s side and the boy’s side came together, preparations were made together for the new couple’s nest, and a new house was built together. Of course, back then, the houses were usually detached houses in a garden. That’s why it was called “marrying”. Now the newlyweds live in flats, in high blocks, that is, on floors. So now marriage is “to bear”.

I seem to see the naive smile on the faces of our readers, especially those who are married. So, what are the basic criteria to be able to say that a marriage is “problematic”? Of course, there is no clear answer to this question. The diagnosis may differ according to the personality structures of the couples, the stages of the marriage process, and thousands of other variables. However, when we consider some of the main problems with general validity;

– If you feel intense emotional distance between you and your spouse,

– In your marriage, especially recently, if the elements other than your mutual love have come to the fore and this situation has come to a level that bothers you,

– If there is a significant decrease in your sexual life with your partner,

– If the word “divorce” has started to fly in the air frequently in your discussions,

– If your marriage no longer gives you joy and vitality, and you observe that this is also true for your spouse,

If you feel less “safe”

– If there is an increase in jealousy and doubts,

– If you no longer make concessions in your arguments and you feel that your tolerance towards your spouse is decreasing,

– If your arguments are getting harder to control and their duration and frequency are increasing,

If your spouse no longer buys you gifts or makes you feel like they remember you,

-Now that the feeling that other men (or women) other than your spouse is starting to intensify, I think it’s time to gradually face the fact that your married life is “problematic”.

While getting married, many couples think, “Our feelings for each other are so strong that we will not have any problems, we can overcome any difficulty,” with the effect of romantic feelings. However, as time progresses, we cannot keep anything static around us, and it becomes very difficult to keep everything as it was on the first day in marriages. Conflicts are inevitable as a result of changing needs on both women’s and men’s sides, differences in personal development, desires, desires and not finding what we hope for. If these conflicts are not resolved well and effectively, this can lead to chronic and painful tension and outbursts of anger, and the adjective “ideal” that you once used to describe your spouse and marriage will be replaced by all sorts of negative descriptions. Problems can arise in a wide variety of variations within a marriage. The most typical ones are; difficulties in communicating and reconciliation, lack of love, lack of respect, depressive thinking of spouses, not being understood, child problems, family intervention and pressure on marriage, economic problems, etc. can be listed as.

When these problems are burdened on the shoulders of spouses who are also struggling in other areas of life, this situation causes the person to experience avoidance-approach anxiety. Especially the above-mentioned types of problems are perceived as “restriction of freedoms” in spouses, and this situation creates an inner anger and rebellion in the person. If the love for the spouse remains below this anger and rebellion, problems begin to arise in the marriage. The best way out of this situation is peer openness, accuracy and simplicity. All these situations can sometimes be solved by themselves, but sometimes simple problems that cannot be resolved can come up with unpleasant tables that can lead to divorce. If you cannot solve a communication problem yourself, you should not hesitate to consult a professional to solve the problem before it’s too late. I wish you healthy days.

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