BECOME A FAMILY
‘I love my wife, psychologist lady, I don’t want to break up, but she says she wants a divorce in the slightest fight. I’m afraid she will divorce me. I’m not the same as before. I have new friends, new thoughts, she is angry because I don’t think like her. In the past, everything seemed fine, I never objected to his wishes, now we fight when I openly express my thoughts. Again, he is the one who gets angry.
‘There is only one thing I want, when I come home in the evening, my wife will be at home, dinner will be ready, let’s have dinner together.. He travels all day and comes home after me. I came to this city so that he would be happy, but now he doesn’t like our house, he says, get a bigger, more beautiful house, get a site. He said he wanted to leave recently, I was not social, I was introverted, I don’t understand what has changed, I was always the same…’
These are the things I hear in every couples therapy. People marry to be happy, but after a while, the features that you find attractive in the other have started to be unattractive; that introverted, self-centered man- the man you love- now looks completely different to your eyes. Or that woman you love so much doesn’t think like you anymore, her value judgments and her outlook on life have changed. He’s starting to look like someone else to you. Alright what now?
I’m not even talking about infidelity, maybe that could be the subject of another article.
When the person cannot cope with the problems, he can overcome the obstacles by getting support from other people. It is accepted that the supportive relationship plays an important role in preventing health problems in people’s lives, protecting against the effects of stress and strengthening coping efforts. Maybe that’s why we get married; By mirroring in the other, we both re-exist ourselves and prevent loneliness, and we can continue our lives for a longer time and without being alone.
Happiness in marriage is associated with couples’ ability to relate. In this context, problem solving is an important relationship building skill. Little is known about marital satisfaction, problem solving skills and couple relations. It is indisputable that effective problem solving ability in marital problems contributes significantly to marital satisfaction.
In most of the definitions of marital adjustment, the happiness level of individuals is emphasized. Marriage is an important part of an adult’s life and naturally harmony in marriage is considered as one of the important determinants of the individual’s overall happiness.
HOW DO WE BE HAPPY?
DO I KNOW MY WIFE WELL?
Who are his closest friends and colleagues? Who are the people he trusts, who are the people he perceives as enemies? What are his favorite books, movies, restaurants he likes to go to? Where does he want to travel? What are her dreams? What are their hopes, nightmares, and expectations for the future? What are the moments of shame in his past, or the happiest memories?
We know that couples who have problems in their relationships and are far from each other do not know the answers to these questions. The answers they thought they knew were out of date a long time ago.
DO I KNOW I AM LOVED?
This stage is about the partners expressing their love, admiration, respect and interest for each other, and making the couples feel clearly. Just as we need water and food to survive, the essential nutrient of relationships comes from feeling loved. However, it is neglected to express interest and admiration, especially in relationships where public expression of love is not welcome. Therefore, in relationships dominated by this culture, couples feel as lonely, insignificant, ineffective, unloved individuals.
OURS IS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP
The first example is common in relationships where the positive perspective is dominant, while the other causes fights that break out suddenly due to the negative perspective. There is attack and defense in relationships where the negative perspective is dominant, so both partners maintain their relationships in a constantly alert, touchy and ready to break relationship. In these relationships, the couples continue on their way, not having a single personal sentence with each other for months, their efforts to establish a bond remain unfulfilled and distanced from each other.
Studies show that only 31 percent of couple problems are solvable. The remaining 69 percent is due to individuals’ life philosophies and personality differences; thus causing recurring problems. In order to solve these problems, couples need 5 basic skills:
Soft Start ; ability to begin a discussion by describing one’s own situation and needs
Repair Initiative;the ability to make reparations and accept attempts that prevent or reduce the escalation of the argument
Self Calming ; the ability to remain physically calm during the discussion, to take breaks when necessary, and to stay away from building walls
Accepting Influence ; the ability to hear persuasion efforts from the partner, try to understand and accept the partner’s point of view
Compromise ; the ability to meet in the middle, to stretch, to compromise by understanding the partner’s needs and desires
Couples therapy makes these five skills a natural part of couples’ conflict processes, thus enabling them to transform their discussion into a more constructive process.
Being a family requires care and effort…