The first three years of our lives are the most important period in identity formation. These are the years when neurobiological development in the brain is the fastest. Depending on the severity and frequency of the negative experiences we have in this period, severe pathologies such as narcissistic, borderline and schizoid personality disorders may occur in our personality, while it can also remain as a narcissistic, borderline, schizoid personality organization. In this article, we discuss the narcissistic structure; Details on negative experiences and narcissistic identity characteristics are included.
The skeleton of our personality is formed in the first 3 years of our lives. In the first 3 years, certain months are turning points in our physical and spiritual development. Neurobiological developments occur in our brain during these critical months. In parallel with the negative experiences we have experienced, our development may stop and we may be stuck in that period, such as not being able to move to a higher class. The personality traits of the period we hang out with are also reflected in our relationships as our dominant characters. Traumas we are exposed to in the first 3 years of our lives cause personality disorders. Like borderline and schizoid personality disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder is one of the early personality disorders. Depending on the severity of the pathology experienced, severe personality disorder can occur, or the dominant character of the person, which has a milder clinical appearance than personality disorder, can be seen as narcissistic, borderline and schizoid personality organization.
If your caregiver met your needs during the 0-18 months of your infancy, not when you asked for it, but when he designed it in his own mind and did not allow you to bring yourself into existence to raise the “project child” in his mind, especially in your infancy period from 8 months onwards, there are hundreds of thousands of people to discover by noticing the charm of the world. If you were blocked while trying to touch and approach something, you couldn’t open the locked doors of the drawers so that it wouldn’t mess up, or if it was taken from you just when you succeeded and put it higher, if you had to wait three more hours hungry because you were fed an hour ago while crying with your stomach open, your crying crises were tried to be calmed instead of finding and fixing the problem. If it was worked on, if you were not empathetic to your needs and were exposed to parental thought impositions!…
I was very young, I was just becoming aware of the world. My demands were many. What I felt, my excitement, my enthusiasm was intense. I had just begun to move from a parallel to a vertical position. Just getting up, I was able to crawl away from my mother for the first time. I was living “fused” with my mother until I was 7-8 months old. All these were my first signs of “segregation” and how exciting it all was. Touching the new ones, feeling them. If you ask my feeling; It was like I was in contact with the world. What is this! My excitement was short lived. I was now prevented from reaching my desires, being taken from me just as I reached out and grabbed it. I could no longer reach what I saw, I was crying, I was being punished. But I couldn’t speak, I could only cry. I was very afraid when my mother got angry. The more I cried, the more I was deprived of my wishes. First, what I had discovered was taken away from me, then my love was cut off. If I insisted on my wishes, I was punished, I was not loved. If I did as they wanted, I would be loved, but I could not live without love! I was so small, I couldn’t exist on my own! I had obligations, first of all, I needed to be loved unconditionally as a child. If not, these are my must-haves. In his absence, all that was left was to give up on myself. As a child whose own existence has not been confirmed; “What do the others expect from me?” I would look, I would wait. I knew that this wait was to satisfy my need to be loved more. Because I was “no longer someone who could create what I wanted” and “I was someone who satisfies the demands”. I was now a project. I had to be the kind of child my mother wanted me to be. I would never be the “real me”, I would live with the “false self”. Just like when I was a baby, I would look for approval in the eyes of another, if I was approved, I would know that I was doing the right thing, if I met disapproving looks, I would stop doing what I wanted…
Also, I would never be able to empathize, I had not learned to empathize! I was like in my mother’s thoughts, the whole world was like in my head. Just as it went through my head, someone else’s need and story could not have another idea! When I got married, when my wife said to me “I’m bored, I want to be with my friends”, I would not be able to make sense of this need. Why would he go? What did he need? Or when I became a parent, my child’s hair was messy and when I was trying to fix it, when he tried to get rid of it and said “I don’t want it, I like it like this”, this would not be possible, it would not be possible to go out with messy hair. While those around me were constantly complaining, I would not understand them, and moreover, I would be accused of making decisions about them, forcing them to live as I had in mind, and imposing. Worst of all, if they didn’t do as I wanted, I would have to stop loving them and make life unbearable for them. What did it have to do with it? These were not real!. Like what was in my head, this whole thing was “my fusion”. I was seeing the world “in my own fusion” as I was taught. Did I have another chance?
There was actually more; Giving up on what I wanted as a baby was so painful that I couldn’t stand it. I insulated my emotions! I couldn’t understand when they said, “Do you have no conscience, don’t you feel sorry for what you did to me?” I couldn’t feel the feelings of others. Actually, I couldn’t “feel my own emotions”. I knew it, but I couldn’t feel it. I learned that this is a defense mechanism; It’s “insulation”. It was a very thick insulating material pulled between emotions and consciousness. Am I guilty?
The feeling I had when I just discovered the world was like making love to the world. My mother wouldn’t let me make love to the world and I had no choice but to make love to myself. I started masturbating very early. My need for rubbing against objects, which I normally need to remove at the age of 4-5, started when I was 2 years old. This is how I began to soothe my mother’s inability to calm my feelings. It’s called “sexualization”. That my intense, prolonged masturbation, my need for sex with different partners, are “actions” to soothe myself; I learned that my fetishism was my attempt to control my mother, which I could not control at the time, through a piece of object. When something went wrong in my life, these were my escape routes. So was what I did my fault?
I was a baby and it was so hard to deal with so many negative emotions! I was not loved! The feelings of evil, worthlessness, loneliness were so painful! It felt like I was the bad one, my mother/parent making me feel like a goddamn jerk. It was very difficult to endure. I found a way; I had to let my bad feelings out. If everyone but me was almost bad, worthless, inadequate, incompetent, filthy, ugly, I could be the most beautiful, the most handsome, the most valuable, the most successful. So my ideas, my choices were also the best. If something went wrong, I would feel so worthless and bad inside that I couldn’t calm down without putting this feeling on them, no matter who was next to me. Then, whatever they did, I could humiliate them, insult them. Sometimes my anger would get so high that I might even resort to violence. I learned that this is “projection” to put the evil inside of me on the outside by not being able to tolerate it. Relaxing by driving the other person crazy from anger and despair is also “projective identification”. Are these my fault too?
My need to be admired, to be applauded, to be unique and different from others, to look very good, to be very good at my job; I had to do what was expected of me. I was above, they were below. I was special, they were ordinary, I was the only one, and I was always somewhere to be seen. See me, admire me, applaud me, do what I want! You all exist for me, the world is as I see it! It all started when he was 9 months old and ended before he was 18 months old. Now the skeleton of my identity was clear and was I to blame?