The Place of Our Personality Structure in Choosing a Spouse

First of all, if we look at what personality is; Personality is all of a person’s continuous and unique behaviors. We can make a rough definition by saying that personality is formed as a result of factors such as genetic, environmental and childhood life. When we look at the definition, the phenomenon we call personality seems like a very clear definition, but many fundamental problems such as the development of personality in relationships, developmental hang-ups, attachment problems, unmet needs are at the root of the problems experienced in relationships. We often hear the phrase “this man/woman was not like this before, we were very good, we didn’t get any water” from couples. Let’s examine this sentence and the basis of this sentence in this article. How is it that when everything is so good and water is not leaking between them, suddenly the man or woman turns into an unknown person? At the beginning of the relationship, one’s lover is supreme in one’s mind, that his lover will love him very much; If he replaces his parent with whom he will meet the needs of respect, love, attention and compassion that he has not seen in the past, the person cannot see the human aspects in his partner and enters a completely rosy relationship. In the beginning, the relationship officially exists to heal his wounds and heal his soul. When a person faces the facts, he realizes that his wife is not as perfect as he thinks, arguments, fights, noises begin. At this point, the sentences “You are acting like my mother/father” come to the fore. How did it turn out that the rosy, blissful relationship in the sky resembled arguments and the negative aspects of her parents? At this point, it is necessary to look at many facts such as unmet needs, developmental hang-ups, attachment styles in the inner world of the person. When we evaluate the lives of these people; The person enters into a similar cycle with his family, spouse, friends, colleagues, in short, everyone around him. He tries to solve the problem that he could not handle in the past with different people, but unfortunately, the result is disappointment every time. It is extremely important to discover and make sense of this cycle in personality structuring, and to experience the emotional and behavioral experience required for change. Otherwise, even if the person makes new friendships, new relationships and marriages over and over, it becomes an inevitable end to experience disappointment over and over again because of the same invisible cycle. Fortunately, this is not the final fate (no matter how much people try to save themselves from the event by reasoning with sentences such as this is my destiny, I must pull). It is in the hands of the individual to break this cycle and reach the comfort brought by change with the individual’s effort, motivation and volunteerism to continue psychotherapy.