What is the “defensive behavior”, which is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, that is, the 4 items (humiliation, criticism, defensive behavior, building a wall) that bring relationships to an end?
How often do we engage in defensive behavior in our relationships?
Does our partner complain about this situation?
Defensive behavior, which is one of the behaviors that causes the relationship to end, is the constant defense of the couple without trying to understand the other party. The most distinctive feature in defense is that the person does not hear what his partner is saying. When one of the couples is criticized, the other party goes to the defensive behavior, but this vicious circle continues as the defensive behavior is also a kind of blaming behavior. Most of the time, it is very difficult for us to realize that we are exhibiting defensive behavior in relationships, and we do not even realize that we are exhibiting this behavior until our relationship ends, because this behavior comes out as a purely instinctive reaction.
Now I’m going to ask you to imagine that you are coming out of a busy work day and you are unconsciously watching TV. Your partner came and told you, “You spend a little less time with me these days. You don’t talk to me anymore, it affects me.” made a sentence like How is your reaction?
I’m telling you everything, what does it have to do with nonsense; what happened now out of nowhere? I can’t read your mind so how could I know? You know, I’m not good at talking like this; you exaggerate so much that what is there to exaggerate in this?.. Are there such reactions?
Or are you using the language to make a descriptive, non-judgmental sentence such as “Sorry, I’m having a little trouble taking care of you because things are a little busy today because I’m so tired”?
If your reaction to your partner often changes in the form of these and similar examples, you may be defensive against your partner. So what should we do in this situation?
First of all, we must be aware that we are acting defensively. You can reach this awareness by your own means or by the guidance of an expert.