The Difficulty of Saying No

“If you want to say no, don’t say maybe.”

Paulo Coelho

Being able to hold the helm of your own life is to say no. Others draw the route of those who cannot say no.

The basis of not being able to say no is the fear of not being loved, rejected and losing.

We acquire many of our character traits as children. Children who grow up with harsh parental attitudes carry their fragile feelings into adulthood in order to endear themselves to them. A child who is constantly afraid of being abandoned by his family will experience the reflections of this childhood fear in all kinds of relationships in the future. The need to say no, which is a sign of self-affirmation, especially in adolescence, is intertwined with loss of love and guilt. As a young individual, he learns that he has to live according to his surroundings, to be shaped according to his environment, and to get used to living with certain cultural and social patterns. He tries to strike a healthy balance between all of these. In the face of all these stereotypes, he either tries to find a way to protect his own existence and self boundaries, or he can’t.

As an adult, his need for boundaries of being and self increases even more. She realizes that any choice she makes or doesn’t make could cost her her life. But what individual who has not been recognized since childhood, whose private space has not been respected, who has not been able to assert himself by succumbing to the fear of loss and rejection, can be successful in saying no?

When we obscure our ability to freely express ourselves and be ourselves, we fall too far from life.

The society we live in teaches that saying no is a bad and shameful attitude. These behavioral models and rules, which are instilled from childhood, become almost a part of the personality of the individual in adulthood.

The human mind is very cunning, be careful. It is very persuasive for you to think of what you do as if you chose and did it yourself of your own free will.

“I couldn’t live my life, but finally I gave my parents the love of grandchildren before they died, thank God, I wouldn’t have gotten married if I wanted to. “I worked day and night and earned, but because our elders saw fit, I divided my earnings to my brothers. After all, I saved the lives of all of them, I didn’t throw my money on the street, it’s all my family, I wouldn’t have given it if I wanted to.” So you actually wanted them all? Then you must be the happiest person in the world. However, look carefully and see that what you want in the expressions in these sentences is not the same as what you experience.

Were you exposed to the dictates of society, or did you make your own choices? Who knows, maybe you learned to make peace with the choices you had to make. So why did all this happen? For not daring to say no. Mostly because you have trouble deciding what is right or wrong for you. What you believe and experience may not be what you want. Have the courage to make this confession, even if it hurts. Be honest with yourself.

Heraclitus’ famous phrase “Everything flows” is also a reference to human nature. People change and evolve all the time. Emotional and spiritual world as well…

Protecting and protecting one’s own existence and self-limit is the respect and compassion that a person shows to his/her personal space and life. A self-respecting and compassionate individual is seen and accepted by others as well. Not being able to say no leads to anger. An individual who has violated his own existence and self limit with his own hand is not comfortable with his conscience and is full of anger because he disrespects and injustice to himself. He couldn’t be the person he wanted to be, had to act like someone he didn’t want to be, and feels guilt and embarrassment because he couldn’t show self-confidence and determination. It is not possible for him to receive respect and compassion from others when he is at such a quarrel with himself.

Your charity is your framework of life. A frameless life, on the other hand, tends to fall apart. It is like an aimless boat going in that direction wherever it is pulled. The way to reach the targeted port without being swept away aimlessly is to hang on to the oars. Only you can decide which way to go. Your effort to live life with its beautiful and good aspects should be as indispensable as your effort to hang on the oars. By saying no, you not only determine where you stand, but also where others should stand.

When you start to say no, it is natural to get the reaction of those who are not used to this situation. Those who are obsessed and selfish about shaping life their way will not want to hear the word no. If you refuse, draw your boundaries, constantly express that it is not your duty to fulfill someone’s wishes, when you explain that you cannot do certain things, when you expect your personal preferences to be respected, know that you are either a narcissist or someone with a narcissistic personality trait. Narcissistic people are skilled at saying no. They get along very well with obedient, harmonious, soft, compassionate and self-sacrificing people. However, they are reckless in violating the boundaries of others.

Those who come to steal your yes answer can come up with various strategies. Suppressing, blaming, threatening, making you feel worthless are their main strategies.

If you feel that the intertwined boundaries in relationships are starting to push you, don’t think that the rope has run out. Everything can be rebuilt. Boundaries can be clearly redrawn. In such situations, distancing saves lives. distance; is to accept that you knowingly and willingly allow your borders to be violated and to request the rules to be redefined.

So who has a hard time saying no?

First of all, people who cannot protect their boundaries have a hard time saying no. These limits are physical, spiritual and personality limits. Second, there are people who feel worthless. In the third place are people who do not have self-esteem. Self-esteem; how you perceive yourself, how much you respect and value yourself. If you have low self-esteem, you don’t find yourself valuable, talented, or important. You become dependent on mirrors that reflect your worth, that is, on others. Self-esteem also provides the ability to deal with criticism and negativity. Saying no is a matter of self-esteem. In the 4th place, there are people who do not want to lose the good person in them. In the 5th place are people who are full of fear and anxiety. When they say no to people, they fear losing them, ostracizing them, or making them angry. In the 6th place, there are people who have anxiety about being loved. Excessive desire to be loved; It causes negative emotions such as anxiety, anxiety, fear of loss, and psychological problems such as obsession and dependent personality. Because; Loneliness, rejection, isolation, being without friends is painful.

So who is it harder to say no to?

It is more difficult to say no to kind people, emotional people, needy people, fait accomplis, power users, manipulators, pushers, and over-controlling people. Supervisors always stand above you and try to guide you. They make you feel guilty, angry, intimidated, have a strategy to impose their demands, provoke you and try to display a reasonable personality profile. When you’re with these types of people, ask yourself: “How do I feel when I’m with them?” This is a magic question and it reminds ourselves of some things we forget. Pay attention to what they offer you. They may be offering you love, respect, admiration, appreciation, money, various labels and titles. Be aware of what they are dealing with. Know what you will have to pay in return. Remember that saying no is not impolite.

Underneath your fear of saying no, there may be the fear that you may miss some important opportunities or that the doors you care about will be closed in your face.

If you try to please others to avoid conflict, you may have a hard time saying no. Taking from the bottom, being compatible is a behavior pattern approved by the society. These patterns, which are far from causing problems, are often encouraged in business life and relationships. The ability to please others is often perceived as being the same as being a good person. Of course, it is important to be a “good person” but “being yourself” is even more important. Saying yes to everything to get rid of conflict can provide instant relief with short-term solutions, but in the long run it can lead to anger, unhappiness, insecurity and even depression.

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