I wrote this title and text inspired by the book “Men on My Sofa” (Dr. Brandy Engler & David Rensin). At the beginning of the book, there is a sentence like this: “Sex was rarely just sex”. Sex is not just sex. It is an experience with a much broader meaning.
Many other things lie in the background of sexual habits and experiences: Sometimes people try to express their suppressed emotions, sometimes to soothe their uncontrollable emotions, sometimes to meet their needs such as power, approval, self-esteem, self-confidence, compassion. Sometimes, sexuality mediates by choosing the path of re-experiencing to resolve traumas locked in the past. The individual may not be aware of all these impulses at all. However, it is a behavior pattern or form that he likes, desires and experiences.
With sex, human desires show themselves most clearly. Sometimes sexuality is experienced outside of intimacy and vitality. Sex without desire and emotion is not alive, and when it happens, it can cause people to distance themselves from themselves, ignore some things and break away from the situation they are in.
Especially when sexuality is wrongly and incompletely coded and reduced to score and performance, and when it is experienced with a perspective that focuses on satisfying one’s partner from experiencing one’s own pleasure and sensation, it causes fatigue and a feeling of emptiness or meaninglessness instead of giving vitality to the person. Because he is trying to adapt the shape in his mind to his body, not the way he desires and comes from within. Making the outsider accept the inside causes futile effort and lifelessness. However, when it reflects what is inside out as it comes, the individual harmonizes inside and outside, and the person gains meaning by feeling alive. When we look at sexuality from an existential point of view, it is expressed as the ability of the individual to reflect himself as he is, that is, to achieve a harmony between the inside and the outside of the individual.
Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Fehat Jak İçöz states in an interview that reducing sexuality to just sex, or even to sexual behavior shared only with a partner, is the greatest harm we can do to our vitality. It also states the following: sexuality is actually a channel/relationship that people establish with life. When a person acts with his desires, he meets life in the sexual channel. So much of what a person does in his daily life can be sexual; many behaviors such as watching a movie, writing or reading this article. The critical point here is that people act with their desire. He adds that the most important indicator of living in contact with his sexuality is the feeling of vitality that it brings.