When you feel bad, you do not prevent a friend from calling you and telling you about his/her distress for a long time, you cannot refuse a friend’s request for help despite tiring and hindering you. if you realize that you evaluate how the other person feels in a problem before you do, you can give it a name; Self Sacrifice Chart.
In the Self-Sacrifice Scheme, there is a depressed, weak, deprived, incompetent, sick, and helpless parent in early childhood. The child is in the position of undertaking the duty of parenting against the parent’s situation and providing the care, care, affection and support he/she needs to the parent. In cases where this is not the case, since he often encounters feelings of guilt, acting contrary to the self-sacrifice scheme in adult life causes a feeling of guilt. This schema causes the child to feel responsible for the parent. In this way, the first relationship will develop with the focus of the other, causing the child to put himself at the forefront of his life by being excessively giving towards everyone whom he deprives, cares about, is close to, or feels in a difficult situation or situation. It is a fact that these attitudes are quite reinforcing when our social and cultural characteristics are considered. However, it is quite possible that the situation of people with strong self-sacrifice schemes will come to a dead end after a while. The dead ends of this scheme are;
*Meeting the needs of the partner in a family or romantic relationship on his behalf; Although we receive very requested and positive feedback, after a while, being someone who takes responsibility for the whole relationship and does everything for the sake of the relationship with the structural characteristics of the other people can lead to burnout and avoidance over time. Or, if the entitlement attitudes of others are strong, it may cause feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness and anger.
* In social relations, it may cause to try to realize the same pattern by approaching others with giving attitudes, and as a result, to find other people’s expectations while meeting the expectations of other people with whom he is friends, and not being able to demand help when he has a problem. This situation may cause problems in relationships by causing experiences in which the person perceives himself as used or not valued by others.
* With the increase of the other person’s focus, it can lead to a depressive mood in life with the thoughts that “he/she wants/prefers”, that is, he/she cannot do anything for himself/herself.
*Being heavily influenced by negative feedback and criticism from others, the thoughts of “I did everything for him, but it’s not enough” can either turn to himself to strengthen his thoughts of inadequacy, or turn to the other person and turn into anger and doing nothing.
The self-sacrifice schema is one of the most reinforced schemas with its positive aspects. However, as we have seen, a life lived by prioritizing the other can be hurtful in terms of satisfaction, spontaneity and boundaries, and also undermine indispensable inner beliefs such as self-worth and compassion. What did you do for yourself today?