Romantic Relationship Questions: “How Did We Get This?”

What could be the reason why understanding and loving days are replaced by cold and conflicting days in romantic relationships? “How did we end up like this?” What can be said in response to the question? Could the answer to this question be surrender to schemas? To address this, let’s go to the beginning of relationships together.

Romantic relationships -unhealthy ones- Most of the time at the beginning, either everything is perfect or the person we love is perfect. It is as if the individual has stepped into a world that understands himself, takes care of him only, meets his every need, makes him sleepless at night, and feels that he can never get enough. Another point of view is that the schema chemistry fails to receive its signals.

So what is schema chemistry?

Schema chemistry is one of the concepts that schema therapists often deal with. Let’s look at examples through some schematics for better understanding.

In schema chemistry, to the abandonment scheme An individual with a high degree of abandonment chooses partners who will always keep their abandonment anxiety at the top. Schema chemistry is the power of attraction to a partner who cannot meet his/her own needs such as being loved and shared, and who desires to be more free in relationships. Let’s imagine an individual who believes that every relationship will result in abandonment in the end, in a romantic relationship kneaded with schema chemistry. The person perceives his partner’s every move as a signal of abandonment. When there is a fight, when their calls are not answered, or when your partner is bored… Can a healthy relationship be established with this abandonment anxiety? In this way, it is difficult to live with the uneasiness of being constantly abandoned, the person gets exhausted with this anxiety over time and starts to consume. Like “I need you, don’t leave me” when your partner tries to distance yourself or says they need a private space persistent Going against him with rhetoric can push his partner further away. Or, he may imprison the other person in a relationship that he does not know how to end.

if to the scheme of skepticism If we are talking about individuals who have a litigation, we encounter the force of attraction that confirms people’s basic belief that they can’t be trusted, that actually allows them to choose partners who can’t be trusted. Although it feels valuable at first to be protected and wondered by someone else, controlling, criticism and lies, accompanied by frightening outbursts of anger over time, cause the person to realize that he is with an unreliable person and distance himself from his partner. This would not be surprising, actually. In other words, everything happened over time as Özdemir Asaf said: “Once upon a time, your ugliness was beautiful too. Now even your beauties are ugly.”

Imperfection scheme If we look at it from the above, it is that people who think they are worthless and incompetent are in relationships where they feel flawed and inadequate. A relationship accompanied by schema chemistry has an atmosphere of criticism of the individual’s body or personality traits, a thousand flips to get the attention of the partner, and the despair that often comes from disapproval and inadequacy. The fact that people who are not sure of their own worth and sufficiency cannot handle even small criticisms from their partners and defend themselves harshly is another dimension of the distance between partners. As the attraction experienced in the first days begins to wane, the world of reality begins to come to the fore and gnaws at the person by feeding the schemas. If you are in such a situation, you either overwhelm your partner by constantly asking for praise and attention, trying to win their appreciation, or you are overwhelmed because you have to constantly console an insecure partner.

Do you have a partner who always protects and watches over you? And you can’t take any decision without asking him, do you need his opinion?such a table dependency scheme It is a situation that can be seen in the relationships of those who have it. It can also be thought of as the extreme evolution of I language into we language. A person who thinks he can’t handle a job alone and can’t trust his own ideas can start a relationship quite happily because he has found a strong partner and can put his head on his shoulder. Although it may seem that there is no problem for their partner, after a certain time, it will be overwhelming for most people to take all the responsibility of another person and the burden of this responsibility. Your partner may also need a shoulder to rest his head on, or he may start to live in his own world by avoiding some sharing with you because you are so weak. This may be the beginning of your partner moving away from you. Another scenario is that your lover, whose addiction schema you feed, starts not listening to you about anything with an extreme reaction one day, and this independence-dependence struggle tires the relationship.

Emotional deprivation scheme If we look at it from the above, it is normal for a person who never thought that he was special to anyone, to choose cold partners who cannot give him enough warmth with schema chemistry. In general, while the person is waiting for activities and shares that he will feel special, situations such as the time he spends with his partner’s group of friends, not getting the support he expects in difficult times, feed the thought that the person is not special for his partner. This situation is usually followed by reproaches to his partner through the person’s own sacrifices and shares. It is normal for this reproach, complaint or anger of deprivation to push the partner away. You are constantly giving and thinking about your partner, but you are not getting anything in return. Not being special enough or being a schema prisoner?I leave the answer to you after these examples.

Maybe we didn’t get it early. love, respect, trust and boundaries We insist on meeting their needs in ways that are dysfunctional in our romantic relationships or staying in contact with people who cannot meet our needs. Maybe it’s time to take a closer look at why we always choose the same type of people, and why we go into pretty much the same cycles.

Hoping to get to know ourselves and our schemes better…

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