Deception is a phenomenon that those who are deceived have difficulty in making sense of, and those who are deceived have difficulty in explaining. Unfortunately, the number of couples who have to face cheating is quite large. Although cheating is among the first reasons for separation, it also appears as the second spring opportunity for relationships. I know, it’s a little surprising to see the words deception and opportunity side by side. But I hope that this statement will become clear in the following parts of the article.
Cheat When it comes to sexual satisfaction and satisfaction, there are many types of cheating. For example, passive deception It is the desire for intimacy and attention in the emotional and sexual sphere that the person feels towards another person other than his partner. It is the desire to be interested in what another person is doing, to dream and communicate. If the desire dimension is put into action (such as a meeting outside, getting close) active cheating. in sexual cheatingonly sexual satisfaction in emotional cheating There is only emotional intimacy. Emotional cheating can be experienced in the form of mutual interaction such as spending time together, talking, or platonic love.
A spouse should not cheat on his partner, and should stay away from attitudes that will damage the sense of loyalty and trust. Of course, we agree on this. On the other hand, it is often overlooked that cheating is often an effect rather than a cause. After cheating, partners tend to blame each other, and violent conflicts occur over mistakes and past. The aim in these conflicts is to get clarity on what is right and what is wrong. It is an indisputable fact that the cheating party is more at fault. However, the share of the cheated partner in the percentile may not be as low as you think. At this point I’m not saying that I don’t normalize cheating or that you deserve it. To put it more clearly, I emphasize that if there is a double in the middle and we are looking for a fault, in fact, the faulty one is the couple. Because relationships are not lived and shaped by one person. We have to keep in mind that dance is always for two.
Cheating is an indication that there is a crack in your relationship. So, the pain you felt from time to time before cheating was not insignificant. So your focus should be on the source of the pain. So what happened that snow fell on the mountains you trust? What happened that you had to experience something like this? Sinking the sack with intense emotions only on yourself or your partner is wrong at this point and causes depressive patterns. It is the right time to turn to the cracks that you neglected, to the source of the leak. It is not possible for your relationship to transform into a new form without acknowledging that cheating is an effect rather than a cause. Of course, we cannot consider cheating as a result if the partner has a pathological personality pattern or pathological predispositions. For example, personality traits such as neuroticism and insecure attachment style, addictions such as alcohol, drugs, sex and porn are factors that increase the likelihood of cheating. When considering the reasons for cheating, we should not ignore the personality traits of the partner. However, we can say that the relationship factors (relationship satisfaction, etc.) are more effective when we compare the personality traits with the relationship-related features.
When we consider the causes of cheating, we can list individual variables such as the presence of cheating events in the family and in the environment, neurotic personality structure, impulsiveness tendency, separation of sexuality and love, strong sexual interest, various addiction situations and the need for emotional freedom. Being exposed to psychological violence (such as criticism, humiliation) by the partner and gaining well-being after long-term economic distress can be among the main reasons. It is thought that cheating may be related to impulsivity, which is one of the characteristics of neurotic personality. Because high impulsivity brings along with it to act according to sexual opportunities, to have high sexual drive, to act in this direction and thus to get more sexual opportunities.
When we consider cheating on relationship factors, low satisfaction from the relationship or low or low quality of sexual and emotional sharing in the relationship are among the main reasons. In cases of cheating, it is seen that negative factors such as feeling lonely in the relationship and alienation reinforce the relationship and sexual dissatisfaction. In other words, unhappiness and conflicts in the relationship, chronic relationship and communication problems pave the way for cheating. The fact that the feelings of lust and love are preserved in the relationship is another factor. If these feelings are not experienced with the partner, the person may turn to another person to meet their basic relationship needs (such as quality time, communication, love, respect, sexuality). After all, it is our tendency to feed our hungry stomach. Similarly, subconscious negative emotions (such as hatred, anger, grudge) towards the partner are frequently encountered in the case of cheating. Intense feelings that are not calmed, expressed and forgotten during the relationship process are among the reasons why the person turns to another relationship in order to discharge that emotion. In addition, the confusion about postpartum roles, the inability of couples to spend enough alone time due to the extended family, and socioeconomic problems are other important variables.
As in the mourning period, some stages are passed after cheating. As you might guess, before shock it is lived. Cheating has a traumatic effect. Learning that they have been cheated on has a devastating effect on the person. Shock reactions such as freezing, confusion, denial, inability to think rationally, silence and crying spells are observed together. First, the person must experience and overcome this shock process. Next collapse period begins. In this phase, where the pain is experienced more deeply, a depressive picture is observed. Many emotions such as anger, shame, inadequacy, injustice, disappointment, helplessness, worthlessness and depression are experienced. For an individual who feels unloved and unwanted, the feeling of nothingness gains weight.
The person seeks answers to many questions thinkingIn the second stage, the reason for deception is tried to be understood. “Did she love him?” “Has she been with him?” “How long did they talk?” “What did he feel?” As long as many questions such as these are not answered clearly and uncertainty is not eliminated, it grows like an avalanche and turns into a ball of questions. At the same time, the person tries to figure out how to proceed. “What am I going to do now?” “Should I share it with my relatives?” “Should I tell the kids? “Should I take it home or to bed?” “Should I leave?” Almost everyone asks themselves such questions. In this process, we have a tendency to act under the influence of emotions. However, acting on emotions is not a recommended choice. Because the decisions made when the emotions disappear can cause irreversible consequences.
After a while, leaks that were denied before the deception gradually begin to be noticed. The path necessary for both individual and relationship health is through acceptance. If it is not accepted, mistakes cannot be handled rationally. AcceptIn this phase, when the relationship is realized that it needs repair, it is discussed whether the person can digest these experiences or not. digested phase begins. At this point, it is important whether the person notices the wrong behaviors in the relationship, and if he does, he has a desire to correct these mistakes and give his relationship a chance. The person continues to talk to his partner, looking for his inner answer about the future of the relationship. If his internal response is positive, he steps into the trial period to see the response and effort he will receive from his partner.
Attemptperiod, which is the basis of belonging confidence The feeling needs to be rebuilt. Apology needs to be reflected in behavior and time is needed. During this period, the partner is constantly controlled and encounters intense requests. Control behaviors such as following, asking for pictures, calling their friends, looking at their accounts continue for a while. In this process, the patience and effort of the partner is very important. After the intense feelings have been overcome, the person’s relationship is related to the future. decision it reaches its point. At least we can say that this is the healthy process. In order to make healthy decisions after cheating, it is necessary to go through some stages and overcome intense emotions.If the person decides to continue at the end of the process, marriage and couple therapy should be started to deal with the problems in the relationship.
Let’s not forget that forgiveness is a choice. Just like loving and being happy. Love and trust are only allowed to bloom again. For this, first of all, it is necessary to get rid of the feelings of anger and revenge. Of course, in this process, the partner should be able to make up for his mistakes and show that he can be trusted again. In short, forgiveness is a path that starts within us and is shaped by mutual interaction.