Couples who desperately come out of the great turmoil they experienced before marriage are likely to experience certain problems when they start to share the same house. Couples who have grown up in two different families and cultures, while determining the rules in the family they have established, determining the power balance, adapting to new relationships such as mother-in-law and father-in-law, determining the way of domestic communication, deciding on a new member to join the family, and parental attitudes about how they want to raise the new member. They often disagree when making decisions, determining the desires and limits of their sexual relationships, and talking about friendships. Let’s take a closer look at the first of these factors that caused the disagreement.
1. Problems that may occur while determining the rules in the newly established family
Morning departure times, whether to have breakfast on the way to work on weekdays, what will be the task sharing of the spouses in housework, whether to get helper support for cooking and cleaning, dinner time, home cooking or eating out, if it will be mixed, how many times a week or a month it will be applied, the bed situations such as who will close / who will close on which day can create a wide spectrum of problems. The most common problem between couples is the one related to task sharing. Among the phrases that I hear over and over again by women in the clinic are the following:
“I do all the work.”
“I work from morning to night for cooking and cleaning, he does not put his hand to anything.” “If he picks up a plate while clearing the table, at least he picks up his own plate.”
“Am I always going to throw your dirty socks in the basket, just bend over and pick them up from the ground.” “Am I the only one sleeping in bed and he’ll change the linens in a day?”
Men often use phrases such as:
“I’m used to having breakfast in the morning, but I eat donuts every day because my wife gets up late.” “I’m used to home cooking, we always eat out and it bothers me.” “Men are not allowed to do any work with us, but my wife wants me to never sit down.”
“He wants me to come home as soon as I get off work, I don’t want to go home without hanging out with my friends for an hour.”
“He asks for help with the cleaning, what happens if he sits at home all day and does it? Do we have to spend money?” “My hair is falling out in the bathroom, what should I do, should I collect it one by one or should I go around with a bonnet?
“In the house he is constantly being told about unfinished business, and when I want to help, he doesn’t like what I’m doing.”
In fact, we can clearly see that in all these sentences, they did not listen to each other, did not talk about the new order in the house, and that the boundaries were not determined. If these rules are not spoken clearly, in the future, the responsibility will be placed on a single person, which may reduce that person’s tolerance and cause larger discussions.