Pleasing others: a state of extreme altruism

As a result of being a social being, people tend to pay attention to the needs and feelings of others. Understanding and helping others undeniably feels good. In everyday situations, an excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others – before they are asked – is a disregard for self-gratification. extreme self-sacrifice we can say. A life built on the desire to make others happy is often a symptom of a deep problem.

The most common causes of this condition are: avoiding feelings of guilt and selfishness towards others, or feeling needy to maintain connection with important people (reducing their fear of abandonment, etc.). Often the tendency to “make others happy” stems from an acute sensitivity to the suffering of the other.

So why does a state of intense sensitivity to the needs of the other develop?

Generally, the behaviors of pleasing people with excessive sacrifice develop as a way of maintaining connection and closeness with the parent who was inconsistent during childhood (being close to a distance or a hot or cold state, etc.). Parents of people who are mostly focused on pleasing people; They tend to focus solely on their own distress, fail to understand what their children are feeling, thinking, and need, or who often misinterpret the signals and emotions their children are showing.

Parents of people who are accustomed to pleasing people are often in a state of emotional distress. This is why children tend to carefully treat their fragile-seeming parents. They act more like adults in the relationship and take a caring role towards their own parents. A parent’s difficulty in being emotionally attached and behaving consistently creates an urge in the child to act to protect their parents and their feelings because it is the only way to stay connected with them. So by monitoring and controlling their moods, they do their best to make parents proud, fulfill their needs, and be well. So they begin to develop their skills to please people.

Excessive altruism becomes tiring

Ultimately, this excessive sacrifice becomes tiring. “Good” Children can act in unpredictable and surprising ways when the going gets tough. Usually children are ‘collapse’ They feel a deep shame about themselves and carefully hide their depressed state by trying to be nice. And so the cycle repeats. In some cases, children may also act differently; They can stand up and rebel against their parents. The child, who does not know how to maintain love and connection, will do everything in his power to win the love of the parent. That’s why they adopt their parents’ values ​​to be the dream and good child that their parents dream of for them.

They are less interested in discovering who they are and more interested in learning what others expect of them. Because transforming oneself according to the expectation of the other and being “good” will ultimately be a way of securing love. They will then carry these standards into a range of adult relationships, trying to please others and make them happy so they think they will be happy.

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