“Self-sabotage”, an expression that we are beginning to hear more and more, can be defined as the undermining of one’s own goals and values. In other words, when there is a situation that you really want for your life and that will be good, you make a move that directly contradicts this goal, consciously or unconsciously.
If your actions cause problems in your life and contradict your long-term goals, you are sabotaging yourself. When you look back and you often encounter the fact that your behaviors that are not very good are actually too many to be underestimated, if you ask yourself why you say that sentence to your loved one, why you always postpone it, why you stop doing that thing that you feel great about, you often have a serious “success” in Self-Sabotage. . Maybe you don’t even realize you’re sabotaging yourself. “Why am I doing this to myself?” If you’re asking the question, you’re sabotaging yourself.
Sometimes you sabotage yourself knowingly and sometimes unknowingly.
Intentional Self-Sabotage can be defined as choosing to do it even though you know your action undermines your goal. For example: If you are navigating here and there on the phone even though you have a report to write, if you watch series after episode after episode instead of studying for your exam, if you constantly postpone your phone’s alarm even though you have to wake up at a certain time for a job you need to finish, or if you order pizza when you need to go to the gym and burn calories, You are deliberately sabotaging yourself.
Let’s give an example of unconscious self-sabotage: The action you take seriously harms your goal or values, but you don’t notice or name what you do until it happens. Due to your fear of failure (performance anxiety), they develop the behavior of being late or doing things sloppy without realizing it, in order to avoid a promotion where they are more likely to fail, or to avoid high expectations of success. Even though you have an appointment with your gym trainer, you forget your gym bag at home to sabotage yourself without realizing it.
There are so many forms of self-sabotage. Let’s review a few examples of Self-Sabotage before we look at what causes your Self-Sabotage and what you can do about it.
It’s true, we all procrastinate from time to time. It is true that we prefer to sleep and do sports, watch TV series and study, spend hours on the phone and write the report that we need to write. Procrastination is delaying things knowing we’d better not do it, it’s one of the most universal forms of Self-Sabotage.
You will spend the time you will spend with your family by dealing with these substances. The next morning, you must attend the meeting, which you must attend with extreme care and sleep, either you cannot attend the meeting, or even if you attend, your mind will not be clear enough. The use of cigarettes, alcohol and other addictive substances is another very common form of self-sabotage. The problem here is that these substances give another pleasure, and that they turn into addiction after abuse in a very short time. Substance use harms our goals and values in the long run.
Are you one of those who are stubbornly late all the time? Do you always make someone wait? Of course, being late in social activities can reduce your anxiety by eliminating the possibility of deep socializing, but in the long run it makes you an unreliable person and causes damage to your reputation in your social environment. This is another form of Self-Sabotage.
Eating Under Pressure
If you are one of those who think that you cannot or cannot cope with stress, then you are one of those who turn to food to cope with anxiety. It is true, food makes you feel pleasure while you are eating, and peace after you eat because of the feeling of fullness in your stomach. However, in the long run, this behavior you choose to manage your pain, pressure and anxiety is a serious form of Self-Sabotage and will limit your movements and impair your health.
Bond Development and Physical and Emotional Intimacy Problems
Many people disrupt relationships with good friends and loved ones for conscious or unconscious motives. These people, who are in an emotionally fragile process, act like this in order to protect themselves because they are afraid of being broken or injured. When this behavior is chosen to manage anxiety in the long term, it prevents maintaining healthy and meaningful relationships.
If you think that you have achieved success by chance, not because of your talent, education or characteristics, then you are one of those who consider yourself inadequate. Even though the proofs of your success are visible from the outside, you cannot believe that it is your own success, you cannot be convinced. You attribute the positivity you experience in life to luck, in fact, you think that you are inadequate and do not deserve the place you come from. You may even feel that you are deceiving and deceiving people with these achievements. You think that people will somehow understand your deception and you will lose what you have.
Of course, anyone can do this from time to time. What is decisive is that such self-sabotage behaviors turn into persistent patterns and repeat consistently.
So why does a person sabotage himself?
The first reason to focus on is Eigenvalue. You sabotage yourself because you think you don’t deserve to be successful, happy, beautiful, acceptable. Eigenvalue grows as it grows. Self-worth does not develop in people who do not receive love, approval and acceptance, especially in periods when parental love, approval and acceptance is needed. If the two most important people to you in the first period of life, your parents, do not love you enough, do not approve of what you do, and do not accept you, you will have a low Self-Esteem when you are an adult. You do not consider yourself worthy of goodness, success, happiness. You convince yourself that your qualifications are inadequate. If you don’t love yourself the way you are, you don’t trust your abilities or skills. People with low Eigenvalues do not allow themselves to step outside of their safe zone. They never believe that they deserve this chance, success and happiness. They do not consider themselves worthy of these beauties.
So where does this kind of Self-Sabotage behavior come from?
Just as self-sabotaging behaviors manifest themselves in a very creative and wide range, there are many ways and reasons why they can develop and take root.
For example, do you feel better by choosing partners that are not suitable for you? Choosing relationships that don’t work is a pattern that self-saboteurs need to feel good, strong, and confident. Is this how you learned to build your self-confidence and self-esteem and keep it at a high level?
This behavior pattern stands in the way of your desire to establish and deepen a healthy relationship. Actually, you know this too, but because your self-esteem is so low and you don’t know how to deal with it, you fall into the same trap every time. Either the relationship model you saw growing up leads you to these kinds of relationships, or you have learned to be higher than the other person in order to feel strong and secure as the only way for your self-esteem.
Those who are chronically self-sabotaging all have one thing in common; they have learned at some point in their lives that this pattern “works” unfortunately.
In order to change an unhealthy behavior, it is necessary to find out where it is rooted and what “benefit” it provides.
If you want to stop sabotaging yourself, you must first find out why you are sabotaging yourself and what deficiency this attempt at Self-Sabotage fills in you.
First, discover which of your missing areas Self-Sabotage is balancing.
When you decide to stop sabotaging yourself, you often become tough on yourself and decide not to treat yourself that way again.
But being strict with yourself is actually another type of Self-Sabotage. Although this may seem like determination at first, you will never be able to create a permanent change in behavior without understanding what deficiencies and faults this behavior pattern reflects. You can name and understand the deficiencies and setbacks by showing compassion, not by being rigid with yourself.
Treat yourself with compassion. Try to understand the foundations.
Understanding the underpinnings allows you to develop healthy behavioral patterns to balance this situation.
Once you’ve grasped the foundations of your self-sabotage, the next step is to create harmless, healthy behaviors that balance these needs.
Anticipate the obstacles you may encounter on your way and create remedial plans.
Even if you have identified the underlying need for your self-sabotage pattern and created healthier patterns, you should be able to anticipate and address the obstacles to your use of these new patterns.
Be tolerant of feelings that may make you uneasy.
Stopping sabotaging yourself, creating new patterns is an emotional state, not a mental one.
The best way to be tolerant of your feelings is to start slowly. Identify the feeling that occurs when you stop sabotaging yourself and move towards a healthy alternative pattern. Try to find out when and where this feeling first appeared in your life. When this feeling occurs, stop and wait instead of trying to divert your attention elsewhere. Treat yourself with tolerance and just stand there for a while with that negative feeling.
Clarify your values.
This is not the most important, but the most powerful step in letting go of Self-Sabotage. Clarify your goals in life, your values, what is important to you in life. Create healthier patterns and connect those patterns with that emotion. You find that you have overcome your self-sabotaging behavior.
To summarize: The definition of self-sabotage is not as mysterious or complex as it seems. In short, it is chronically engaging in behaviors that will prevent you from achieving your goals and values. If you stop sabotaging yourself and choose what’s good for you, it’s about understanding what this pattern actually serves and developing healthy alternative patterns to meet that need.
When you realize where your self-sabotage behavior is rooted, you begin to free yourself from the negative identity you attribute to yourself. You can get to know your inner critic more closely and start to see at what stage of your thought function comes into play. In this way, you will be able to notice your behavior patterns that you do not like and respect.
Changing your self-sabotage behavior can scare you. After all, it means challenging ingrained and very familiar attitudes that have been with you for a long time.
Step one is to break away from the destructive attitudes (the critic within) you have internalized based on painful early life experiences.
The second step is to become aware of and get rid of the negative traits you have acquired from your parent or caregiver.
The third step is to challenge the destructive coping techniques you have learned, the harmony you have learned, when you have difficulties growing up, when it hurts. Although as a child these coping techniques seem to prevent you from getting hurt by lowering your expectations of conformity, these defenses keep you from trusting and approaching others as you mature.
The fourth and final step of differentiation is to discover and develop your own unique values, ideals, beliefs, in short, your life stance.
Only as you free yourself from negative learnings from your past can you reveal who you truly are.
Everyone deserves to live a good life, to love, to be loved, to be successful and to be happy. It’s up to you to allow it. You can stop your self-sabotaging behaviors so you can choose who you want to be, just ask. Realize your self-worth. We are all very beautiful.