‘Marriage is not a book!’ said the man who was obviously kneaded in Anatolian wisdom. It was clear as day that he was drinking the water of the ‘wisdom/lore’ river. ‘Marriage has no book; Because …’
In fact, ours is a separation story. Ours; that is, we mortals. It is a story that tells/experiences the effort of leaving behind and getting what is left behind.
It is the story of the descent from heaven to earth, and it begins with the descent from the spirit realm to the womb. When the time comes, we leave the safe haven of the womb behind. The magical time of the mother’s lap and father’s hearth, when we are sensitive to our every desire, comes. We are now the fruit of an age in which we are surrounded by people who come when we cry, look when we laugh, and cannot take their faces away from us. If we are unhappy, it is someone else’s responsibility to be happy, if we are sick, the burden lies with someone else rather than us.
And all these looks, kisses, and warm hugs always take us to that ‘womb’, reminding us of it; to the womb of the mother and the mercy of the Creator, who is the Womb. However, this is a separation story and we continue to ‘break up’. Every separation only increases our longing for ‘reunion’. Departure is essential because; As Hz. Mevlana said, ‘How will a child know the taste of kebab without leaving the milk?’
Leaving the safe harbor, we meet many new beaches. We meet new people, see new things, and we are renewed with every innovation. Everything we learn about life makes us a little bit older. With each growth, we become a little more ‘person/person’. Every new thing we learn, taste and enjoy makes us a little more ‘different’ from other ‘persons’. Every difference means a little more separation, and every separation means a little more ‘loneliness’.
This story is also the story of leaving the state of ‘unity/integrity’ behind. It is the story of a ‘painful’ state that replaces the state where everything is ‘one/whole and we are included in that whole, we are in it, we are born, we appear, we appear’, and ‘we are as if we were falling apart, splitting and disappearing.
In short, we break up, we separate, we become different, we feel pity and we always seek ‘unity’. A love of unity, the search for togetherness, as the author says, almost ‘a bird always sings in our heart’. This quest becomes ‘householding’ that adorns our childhood games. The day turns, grows and becomes ‘marriage’, the stop of this love.
Request! Marriage smiles at us as our paradise, which contains the smell of the land we came from, carries the hope of relieving the pain of separation for a moment, and promises us ‘unity’ and ‘integrity’.
However, it would not be difficult for us mortals to turn our marriage, which promised to be our paradise, into ‘hell’. Each individual comes to ‘home’ with their own book, with their own story. Everyone has their own ‘home’, insisting on the other. Marriage is different in the husband’s book, but different in the woman’s book. This is a book that we sometimes inherit from our own parents, and sometimes we collect from around, where there are ‘Women do this, do this, do not do that’, ‘Men do not interfere with this, do these things’ etc. The things that contain our hopes, intentions and dreams about the future, tradition, generation and soul are written in this book. On the other hand, there are those who do not have a book-rule. Supposedly, ‘free, romantic/serial(tic)’ books that consider their selfish desires the rule of marriage, adorned with dreams…
There are many ways to turn marriage, which is the epitome, symbol, and embodiment of our quest for ‘unity/wholeness’, into a valley of hell. It is even said that there are as many ways as there are married individuals. Far from ‘unifying’ in this valley, our existing integrity is also shattered. Hearts fall apart, bodies fall apart, spaces fall apart. Studies show that divorced couples spend at least 6 months in separate places before deciding to separate. In other words, being physically apart can be a strong reason for our ‘separation’. Or as we separate, our spaces also diverge. While there is so much separation, matters that concern the Ummah of Muhammad, such as the upbringing and education of children, are forgotten, the child’s first school, the ‘home’, is falling apart, and our children are dispersed. Studies say that the most effective vaccine that protects children against the threat of ‘addiction’ is ‘strong family relationships’. When we read the results of the research backwards, the most important thing that drives our pups out of their homes and pushes them to addiction to drugs and technology is that the places and hearts are separated, and the family environment without conversation.
Another effective way to turn our heaven into hell is; ‘I wonder if this man/woman is my ideal wife? Is it the right person? Is this my soul mate?’ is to think. These thoughts are like mold that eats away at the love bond of marriage. In marriage, however, there is no ‘right person, ideal man/woman, soul mate’ waiting for us. We can only ‘try to be the right person’. We do not have a soul mate waiting for us in the universe, but we can only try to reach the level of ‘one soul in two bodies’ during marriage, so to speak. Our soul mate does not wait for us, we can only unite our souls together.
Another thought that gnaws at the marriage is, ‘What have you given/are you giving to me/this marriage?’ is to think. Because this thought leads us to the four dynamites that blow up a relationship. These; Blame, Defend, Criticize and build walls. Instead, ‘what have I contributed/added to this marriage?’ Thinking about it can turn into an enchantment that strengthens the marriage bond.
How many of these ‘fours’ are used in a conversation even makes it possible to estimate the length of the couple’s separation. In other words, when we are having a conversation with our husband and wife, the more we blame, the more defensive we become, the more critical/critical we speak and the more we build a wall between us and our interlocutor, the more we become like a wall, our heaven has already become hell.
We came to this place by falling into separation; true! We know that every parting is a wound and as the poet said, ‘like a bone, it sinks in any direction we turn’. In so much separation and loneliness, how many of our needs are unmet. Our childhood and youth are actually the stories of unmet wishes and desires. For this reason, ‘husband-wife quarrels are often the reflection of our childhood cries into adulthood’. For this reason, we become a little childish in marriage. We expect our husband/wife to be someone who is sensitive to our every request, comforting our every ‘cry’, making us feel at the center of the world, just as it was done in our childhood. We wait for someone to relieve our suffering of loneliness and separation. But he is also a mortal. He, too, was surrounded by separations. We forget this fact. It seems to us as if he is taking away something that is our right. That’s when ‘what gives me!’ we begin to accuse and criticize. Our interlocutor responds to them with defense, like a wall.
An unhappy marriage has as many features as there are marriages. Everyone has their own way of being unhappy. However, studies say that ‘happy marriages have a certain number of common characteristics’:
In marriages with a heavenly scent, the husband and wife were able to separate from their parents and siblings without breaking their ties. It is knowing that they are a ‘new family’. ‘No one can interfere with us!’ This is to make the ‘New Family’ clear without being challenged, without falling into the rudeness of ‘We do everything ourselves’, without hurting them.
Just as they protect the new family among other families, the travelers back to Paradise have also learned to be ‘us’ on the way of unity/unity, while also protecting the ‘me’. That is, not to lack individuality just because we are together. Even though the husband and wife act together on many issues, they can think differently when they deem necessary, make separate decisions and have very different environments. What a great need it is to be able to protect the ‘me’ while being ‘us’ and to be ‘us’ with the ‘I’.
In a happy marriage, which is an example of heaven, both sides can experience happiness and meet their expectations regarding sexuality, which is the most basic reason for marriage. Spouses are also willing to meet each other’s expectations. A marriage in which sexuality is neglected also hinders our desire to unite with the ‘whole’ we are separated from. Animals ‘mate’, but don’t humans ‘combine’.
There is also a consensus among parents about our bright children, who add happiness to the happiness of a marriage. They have common dreams for them, they are subject to common rules when raising them. Otherwise, a marriage in which the future of our children (until heaven) is not calculated and ignored will not provide happiness. Happiness does not come alone.
Being able to support our spouse, whom we consider ‘refik/a-friend’ in his life journey, is another feature of a happy marriage.
Discussions! There are arguments in every marriage. A reflection of childhood crying comes and finds us in an argument. For this reason, as it is possible not to ‘cry’ as a child, it is possible to ‘not argue’ in marriage. However, happily married individuals do not allow outbursts of anger in their arguments. They make an effort to conclude their discussions with goodness. Discussions are not destructive in feelings of malice, on the contrary, they are constructive. A conclusion is definitely reached about the discussions in these families and the issue is not left in the middle.
An important issue seen in happily married couples is that they can ‘laugh’ together. If we can make laugh together and achieve this, it offers us the feature of taking this relationship to another horizon.
The burden of life may be heavy or we may be angry with our interlocutor and therefore we may be overwhelmed. Happy couples know how to comfort their partner. He is insensitive to his wife’s needs, not being ignorant, and is able to comfort her.
Other common features of people who are happy in their marriage are to take care to keep the positive dreams about each other alive at the beginning of the marriage. It is an effort to keep the positive things that existed in your heart and mind about your life partner in the first days. When we started to look at it as a ‘partridge in the bag’; ‘Get well soon!’ that means. When the paradise in our eyes, the beautiful princess, the sultan, starts to become ‘the scruffy wife of the house, big nose, smug’, or when that mountain man, the charismatic, handsome young man goes and replaces him with ‘a slimy, useless man, like a refrigerator, When it comes ‘like a wall’, it means we are rapidly moving away from our paradise.
Carrying the hope of being the most gracious supporter of our journey back to heaven, our marriages require hope, effort, or growth. It has no book. Isn’t it something that can’t be learned from someone else or taught to someone else?
‘There is no book of marriage! Because the book of marriage is written together and no book is the same!’