Nesting

Contact is established at the border between the person and the environment. The absence of a border is a state of intertwining. Perls (1973, cited in Daş, 2014) explained nesting by giving an example through cells. All of our cells are separated from each other by a membrane, and this membrane determines what they will accept and what they will reject. If our cells were intertwined, in other words, if the border between them had been removed, none of them would be able to perform their functions. Based on this example, we can say that the existence of a situation of intertwining and the disappearance of borders prevent the theme and therefore integration and development for the individual.

Inclusion can be experienced with a meal, with work, with the home, between mother and baby, with associations and clubs, with the community, and with another person. People who are close to their homes feel as if they are messy when their homes are messy. People who are engaged in their work can work long hours and feel good when all goes well. The person intertwined with the society; it shapes itself according to the situation, which causes loss of self. He perceives a word said to the community he belongs to as if it was said to him, and cannot set a boundary between himself and the community. Fanatic fans can be given as an example to this, because they are intertwined with their own team during the match, they may perceive the behavior of the players of the opposing team or the referee as if they are against them. The introvert, on the other hand, is a parental figure who feels closeness and overly emotional attachment; It can be a partner, sibling, best friend and parent. Integration of a person with society or with another person indicates that his autonomy and individuality is not developed. Instead of individuation or social development, the person preferred to be intertwined and clinging. For example; Someone who’s stuck with their mother may want her mother to decide everything for her. In another example, she tells everything to her best friend and expects him to tell her in return. These people do not believe they can survive emotionally without the support of others because they feel like one person when together. Feeling like one person causes one to be unaware of one’s own thoughts, feelings, desires, needs, and body. Because of their immature selves, they feel the need to integrate with someone else because they cannot feel integrated within themselves. According to Clarkson (1991, cited in Daş, 2014), there is the fear of being unloved, disliked and abandoned at the root of the need for intertwining, and because of these fears, the person almost clings to the other. Setting boundaries to the introverted person is seen as a wrong thing, and the person feels guilty.

At the root of intertwining; parents do not see the child as an individual, perceive the child as an extension of themselves, and therefore make decisions for the child. They do not allow the separation and individualization of the child (Perls, 1973; cited in Daş, 2014). Parents approve and support the child only when the child is intertwined with them and behaves as they want. They cannot tolerate the different sides, thoughts and wishes of the child (Daş, 2014). The purpose of therapy; It is to enable the client to see the similar and different sides of the parent figure, to develop the ability to set boundaries and to help the separation take place. The sides of the individual that are different from the parent figure, such as thoughts, views and wishes, and on the other hand, the sides similar to the parent figure are revealed. Past experiences where they felt that they were different from the parent figure are remembered, and the parent figure is provided to express their real feelings in the therapy room, animations are made on setting boundaries. By establishing a dialogue between the nested/conjoined child and the healthy adult, separation is achieved (Young et al., 2013).

There is a certain rhythm in healthy relationships; approaching, moving away, reapproaching and moving away. As long as contact is maintained within this rhythm, intertwining is healthy and distancing occurs because needs are met. Reintegration is also experienced in a healthy way because there is nothing to be afraid of. However, if the person is in a constant state of intertwining, he cannot experience approaching and coming together again because he cannot move away. Contact is blocked, and where there is no contact, integration and growth cannot be mentioned. Daş (2014) mentioned that falling in love is an experience of intertwining and underlined the similarity of intertwining with the mother in the early period and the intertwining experienced with the partner in adulthood. Polster and Polster (1974; cited in Daş, 2014) stated that intertwining can occur not only with the loved one but also in the love relationship, and it gives the person a sense of belonging and being safe.

Relationships in which intertwining is unhealthy are those that do not allow individuality, differences, and thus enrichment of the relationship. These relationships are bound to be boring and monotonous because contact is blocked and thus the excitement is gone. As a result; The stronger party in the relationship ends the relationship. People with a need for intertwining choose strong partners and immerse themselves in their lives. In such relationships, the star is the partner, while the intertwined becomes a satellite in its orbit. The strong partner is a parental figure and choosing the familiar is comforting, but the schemas are fed from here. Another purpose of therapy is to make the client realize the partner and friend choices that feed the need for intertwining, and to contribute to differentiation, self-expression and contact. In the therapy process, the individual becomes a free individual who can recognize and protect his own feelings, thoughts and needs, believes that he can be loved, admired, accepted and exist with all his differences, can respect himself and others because of their differences, can support himself.

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