My wife, my relationship and my child

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In today’s modern society, parents decide what kind of education their children will get from what they eat in a healthy way; From what to wear to what to play with, she thinks of everything down to the last detail. In order to be a good parent, they start reading books and doing research from the pregnancy period. In addition, they take care to establish effective communication with their children and contribute to their psychological development. But there is a small point they missed; the impact of their relationships with their spouses on their children.

Children learn about life by observing their parents. What the child learns from the relationship between his mother and father lays the groundwork for the relationships he will establish in his future life. As Byron Norton said, a child has three parents; Relationship between mother, father and parents. This third parent is very influential in the child’s learning process.

So when does your child start to be affected by this relationship?

It is known that the beginning of this process actually starts during pregnancy, before the child is old enough to understand and comprehend what you are saying. Pregnancy is a period when women are physiologically and psychologically sensitive, and they are in exchange with their baby through the placenta. As the baby is fed by what his mother eats, he is also affected by the release of hormones and what the mother feels and experiences. In this process, the relationship of the mother and father, the stress of the mother and the sadness of the baby begin to feel in the womb.

In the postpartum period, the 0-6 age period is very important for the psycho-social development of the child. By observing their parents, children internalize their attitudes, behaviors and discourses, and thus they develop behavioral patterns similar to their parents.

“He’s the kid, he just doesn’t understand”, “It’s been a long time since I had a fight with my wife, she has forgotten”, “The little one doesn’t know yet”, “We’re always like this, she’s used to it”, “I don’t think my child will be affected by our relationship”, “I put up with this marriage for my children”. Words like .. are parent sentences that we are used to hearing often. Contrary to these discourses, Grych and Fincham explain the perception of children who witness their parents’ fights on three grounds. Firstly, the child thinks, “How will the conflict affect me”, threat perception, secondly, the perception of coping by saying “What can I do about the conflict?” and finally, “Who is responsible for the conflict?” it improves the perception of blame.

Studies have shown that; a child who grows up in a house where there is a destructive attitude in discussions, where there is constant fighting and discussion and voices; In his social and academic life, he will try to say what he wants by raising his voice, break the rules and have an aggressive attitude. Children who grow up in families where one party shouts heavily and the other parent is silent will show more anxious and depressed attitudes than other children. If the child witnesses the deception of one of the spouses; will have difficulties in establishing trust in adult life. In addition, the negative attitudes of the parents during the discussion, destructive behaviors and the absence of a positive solution cause reactions such as taking the side of the mother or father, separating the argument, trying to reconcile the parents, helping and comforting or avoiding. Girls who are exposed to their parents’ arguments are more affected by the arguments and depression is generally seen in girls. In boys, on the other hand, behavioral problems are more severe than girls; Although aggressive behavior is observed in boys, it is seen that these children have difficulty in controlling their anger. In addition, parental relationships; It affects children’s academic success, attention deficit and hyperactivity rates.

Will there be any problems in discussions?

Is every marriage rosy?

Don’t people ever fight?

Is the child affected in every fight? The answer to such questions is simple. Argument is a situation experienced in every family, but how the discussions are managed and how they are concluded is very important. Children who grow up at home in an environment where problems are solved by talking, the voice is not raised, constructive solutions are found for discussions, each individual is listened to and given the right to speak, learn problem solving skills, obeying the rules, taking the floor and expressing their wishes.

As a result, it is known that; The more constructive and happy parents are in their own relationships, the more happily their children grow up. Problems and troubles between parents affect the child negatively. The child is not affected, does not understand, does not know, does not forget; The child is affected by everything experienced, understands, knows and does not forget. Think of yourself as a mirror and your child is your reflection. Whatever parent you are, your child will be the parent who carries a part of you in adult life.

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