Mother’s Anger and Inclusive Function

Sometimes it tests my patience so much that I find myself yelling at my child!

I can’t stop yelling at him even though I know he’s wrong!

Yes, today, there are many recommended books for parents to read, from toilet training to sleep training, within the scope of conscious parenting. It may not be easy for you to be a calm parent and have a hard time applying the opinions and sayings of many experts and familiar people about how to communicate with the child around you.

“I know the child shouldn’t be hit or yelled at, but I can’t!”

French Psychotherapist Isabelle Fillozat, a mother of two, describes this difficult situation in her own life as follows; ”As a mother of two children, I experienced great happiness, tasted unconditional love and eternal peace. There were times when I felt extremely angry with them and felt powerless and hopeless. I say with great shame that I had tendencies to humiliate them, to dominate them, to show them who “they have a say”, I wanted to beat them, take their skins off, forget everything. I have experienced such enthusiasms, tensions and nervous states that I could never have imagined that I would feel such things before their birth.

So let’s look at Winnicot’s term “good enough parenting”, which is a psychoanalytic concept.

Being a ‘good enough mom’

There is no such thing as the perfect mother! There is a good enough concept of mother. So what does this concept of a good enough mother mean?

A good enough mother is able to take care of the baby’s basic needs as soon as possible. For example; To calm the baby as soon as he cries, to feed him when he is hungry, to calm him when he is afraid. The baby was in an enormous life cycle in the womb. The mother and nature provided the sound, heat and food sources in full. The mother’s womb was her safest place and the baby was born.. New life..new life..light, sound, doctors and you’re in the hospital baby!

The baby is dependent on his mother in every way from the moment he is born, because if the mother does not feed, the baby dies. His mother, who only needs the love, attention and nourishment of the safe harbor he is dependent on.

Now I have to ask this question..

Remember when your child was born, how fragile, how needy he was? This small creature, which can only express its needs by crying in its cycles of eating, ejaculation, exploration and sleep, is incapable of adapting to you. Only when the caregivers understand, interpret and meet his needs, that is, when they can adapt to him, the baby develops in a healthy way. yourself regularly ‘Is what I expect from my child realistic? Is this small, delicate, miracle creature ready to respond to my expectations and wishes?’ask.

There is a very weak mental device in front of us. As an adult, the slightest negative event or conversation from our boss, lover, spouse, friend during the day affects our whole day. Imagine that the child has none of his parents. There is no other branch to hold on to. His parents.. The words that come out of our mouths, unfortunately, do not pass tangentially.

So let’s open a parenthesis called Mother’s Inclusive Function

The mother should cover her child. The mother should cover the child’s anger, love and unhappiness.. There is always good and bad in human beings. There is always good and bad in a child. Everyone adopts what is good, but when it is bad? This is one of the most important questions in life for children and human beings, does he actually love me with my bad sides?

The bad has to be thrown out, otherwise the bad can’t stay inside.. Anger must be thrown out.. When the child expresses his anger, the mother should transform the child’s anger and turn it into a good one, instead of responding to the child’s anger with anger. Let’s stage this.

The child came from school, crying bored.. “What happened again?” “What are you crying for?” “What did you do at school again?” I would argue with my friends, it’s a difficult situation for you..

The boy’s anger towards his brother increased.. they started to hit him.. he is trying to hit him suddenly when there was nothing.. “What do you want from your brother?” “Now I’m going to hit you one, understand what it’s like to hit you!” “I’m tired of you!” ” ‘Go to your room quickly!’

Now around here, the child’s anger could not be calmed, let alone contained. The child was left alone with that loaded feeling. This feeling of not being able to calm down will come back with many behavioral problems without realizing it. The child will start to have a hard time controlling his anger and calming himself because his mother couldn’t be his inner voice and couldn’t think for him and act out that scene.

So what would these events have been handled better?

Instead of saying “go to your room” to her child, the mother should hold her hand and go with her to her room. He should sit down and talk about this. Saying go to your room, on the one hand, I can’t calm you down, leaving the child alone with the wall. The boy was left alone with the wall instead of his mother calming him down. Maybe his anger increased exponentially, maybe he became depressed. I’m crying, I’m feeling sad and I called my friend.. My friend “you’re crying right now, let’s not talk, then call me when you calm down “how do I feel?” Even as an adult, I can feel very worthless. It is a much more worthless feeling that this is done to the child by the parents.

The mother will hold her hand and take the child to the room, hand in hand.

“What bothers you? You may be getting angry.. I understand you. I had a brother too. It is very difficult for a person to have a brother. You may be angry with him..but no hitting…what do you think we can do instead of hitting?

The child thinks… “I don’t know”

Well, the mother described the situation that the child was not aware of.. she explained the scene to him..she reflected her feelings to him..now it’s time to look for a solution to this difficult situation..the mother should be the inner voice of the child..

“Can we do this?…you can tell me if I’m around when your brother pisses you off..you can talk about it with your brother..or you can make big big flames and drawings in your sketchbook..when you get really angry you can go into your room and hit your pillow. What else can we do besides shoot?

Let’s consider another scene;

“I see that you are very angry these days, you hit the table and then you threw your baby against the wall.. Is this anger because I haven’t been able to spend enough time with you these days?

The child thinks.

Your father couldn’t play, were you angry with your father?

The mother will describe the scene where the child is forced in this way and dream of it, the mother will dream of that scene instead of the child and find solutions together.

If we go back to the beginning of the subject, if we can’t find the tolerance and strength to do these things…

In order to cope with our own anger, we can visualize how fragile our child was as a baby, and a happy moment with him, before we react intensely to our child. This fills our brain with oxytocin and dopamine.

And it’s good to ask ourselves these questions.

Why did this event touch me so much?

How do I feel? Unhappy, powerless, fragile, helpless .. What else is stressing me out in my life?

Is this crisis with my child close to anything I experienced in my childhood? What does this remind me of?

Could the injured child inside me, of which I am unaware and unable to face, be a reflection of my childhood that was constantly wandering around me?

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