Mother from Child’s World

“I am in pain, I am cold. I can’t understand what’s going on. I was in a very comfortable place. Soft, warm, quiet. Not so now. I was almost drowning. Where was I thrown like this? Where is here? There is a terrible noise. A shine that hurts my eyes. There are moving lights, colorful. What are these? I am so afraid. I want to go back to where I came from. I can’t stand so much sight and so much noise. Best not to see, not hear: sleep. When I sleep very well, I relax.

I have a problem that I don’t know why. A great fear. It’s something that threatens my existence in this new place I don’t know where. I’m shouting. As long as I’m out of breath. What is this? I feel something. On my lips and in my mouth, whose names I will learn later… And a warmth that I feel again on my skin. I immediately take that soft thing between my lips. It fills my mouth. I want to buy more. I drink it. Something warm is running down my throat. It smells very nice. I feel great pleasure. The great distress and fear I just had is beginning to pass. Again, I learn later that my stomach is full. What I took in my mouth was a breast, and what came out of my throat was milk. I always learn the names of all these and what they are later. But one thing I know is that they make me feel very good, they relieve my fears, they relax me a lot. It’s so nice to suck and then sleep.

It keeps repeating like this. That pleasant warmth that lingers and envelops my skin whenever I begin to suffer, distress and fear. And the ones I drink. I can’t even describe the amazing feeling I felt in my mouth. While all this is happening, an image begins to catch my attention: a face. While my life-threatening pain, hunger and fears pass, and I experience those great pleasures with what I put in my mouth and inside, I always have the same image in front of me. In order to experience all these beauties, I have to shout a little first. Sometimes I have to shout a little louder and longer. Those pleasant moments never come. It happens again when I am in so much pain and screaming a lot. That face in front of me with what I feel on my skin, on my lips. I feel that I am just beginning to feel satiated when suddenly my pain, hunger, distress and fears are suppressing again. I don’t understand why it’s taking so long. But that’s when I see that face again. This time I’m really full and I can fall asleep. So it just wasn’t real. It was only after it was repeated so many times that I could understand it. I just dreamed. For a while I was satisfied with my dream. So there is an inside, inside; my dreams are fed from there, from what I throw in; but these are not real, because it doesn’t really meet my needs, it calms me down for a while. And then there is the one who really feeds, it comes from outside. So there is an inside and an outside. Inside and outside. So there is only me, and there are others outside of me. When I shout, something comes out of me, the one with the breast, the milk, and the face. an entity outside of me. I can touch it. I can feel it. I feel his touches on my skin. Every now and then, I feel both touched and touched. Ah yes, this is me. I touch myself. Once again I understand me and my outside. I feel myself. I have a complexion that separates me from the outside. I feel it when everything outside touches it. So I discover my limits. the limits of my body. My skin as a whole surrounds me, helping to define me as a separate entity, creating a line that separates my outside and inside. Of course, I cannot deny the help of those who touch me.

Whenever I experience distress, pain, fear, I see it. That magnificent being called a mother. She comes and all my pains go away after a while, she. It meets all my needs. She envelops, envelops, warms, soothes, satisfies, delights. My life totally depends on it. I’m addicted to it, I’m obligated to it. I can’t live without it. That’s exactly why I hate him at the same time. She has everything. She has generous, huge breasts. It’s filled with milk. Her strong arms, her warm skin that embraced me… I feel so helpless next to her. This desperation is driving me crazy. I bite her breasts in anger.

Meanwhile, the pleasure I get from sucking has reached its peak. It’s so good that I started sucking my finger too. When the breast is not enough, I take my finger in my mouth, I sleep by sucking. …”

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