* Nobody starts a relationship to end it, but why do relationships, circumstances, and people often become so different from what they started?
Although there are many different reasons for this situation, I can say that it is mainly due to the fact that people do not know themselves well, therefore they do not have any idea of how the person who is suitable for them will be. When you decide to let someone into your life, when the physical attraction of that person to you is a sufficient reason to start a relationship, when you start a relationship without any idea about the harmony between you, the possibility of maintaining the relationship is left to chance. While it is very understandable that this is the case in the first relationship experience, if the only criterion of a person who has had at least a few relationship experiences is to feel physical attraction, that person has not learned what he should have learned about himself in relationships. The relationship established with each individual (friend, lover, parent, sibling…) creates a valuable opportunity for people to get to know themselves. In relationships, what is good and bad for the person, what his needs are, what he likes and dislikes appear.
Knowing yourself well is the best gift you can give yourself in this life. Because when you know yourself well, you will be happy with your decisions about life. This does not mean that you will never make a wrong decision. Making the wrong decision is also part of the journey to get to know yourself. Unfortunately, many people do not even feel the need to know themselves. Or he can find himself in his 40s or 50s when he feels that, even feeling the need to know himself at that age is valuable. However, many people feel late for everything when they reach that age. Don’t worry, it’s never too late. Whenever you feel the need to get to know yourself, it is the right time to get to know yourself.
The reason why this need is felt late is because the society has already determined the needs for people. Really think about it, “Is this life you are living your life?” or “Is it the life that society has prepared for you?
Society has built a system on the need for order and security, not for happiness, but people spend years thinking that happiness is in this order. That’s why people should have a good job to earn money, get married for a regular life, buy a house and a car to feel safe, and then have children. Isn’t that what almost everyone is watching? If you make these choices because you really want them and your decisions make you happy, then everything is fine. However, if you feel that something is missing and this situation makes you unhappy, “Is this your way?” I suggest you think again. If not; Are you ready to take a journey inside and get to know yourself to find your own way?
At this point, I should add: Let’s say we know ourselves now and know our needs, that doesn’t mean we’ll never change. Knowing oneself is a lifetime adventure. A person’s priorities, cares and likes may change. In this regard, we must first be understanding towards ourselves and then towards our relatives.
Speaking of change, another very important point that makes relationships very different from when they started; It stems from the fact that people do not honestly convey their interests and needs to the other party. People often do not do this consciously. It’s not like lying. They think they are making small sacrifices for someone they love very much in good faith. Since they want to spend time with the person they love at the beginning of the relationship, they are willing to do anything with him. From watching a movie you don’t like for your lover or doing sports to be together even though you don’t like, eating a food you don’t like, and many other little things! These always seem like small sacrifices. “No need to magnify, my dear, it doesn’t matter what we do after we’re together.” they think. Because they love so much right now. “Love, too, ultimately requires sacrifice. Is not it?” Because society told us that. He also said, “If you’re doing a favor, don’t say it.” These are thought patterns that are ingrained in the minds of many people. Of course, running the relationship requires sacrifice, but the relationship first requires knowing yourself and the other person. The unspoken sacrifice at the beginning of the relationship is a situation that harms the relationship, even if it is well-intentioned. Because the individual in the relationship will think that the behavior in situations where sacrifices are made for him will be the personality traits of his lover. Then, the individual who makes the sacrifice will gradually begin to reveal himself in the relationship process. This time can be very variable from person to person. Some start to reveal themselves after a few months, while others make sacrifices for years because “Sacrifice is made for the beloved and should not be expressed.” he has a thought. When this is the case, it doesn’t even cross his mind to tell this to his girlfriend. Her lover thinks that everything is beautiful in the relationship, they are a very harmonious couple. Then the person who makes the sacrifice, one day is full and begins to express his own needs and desires. The unaware side said, “How so! This is not you. We were so compatible, you changed.” she says. In fact, no one has changed, on the contrary, there is a lover who returns to his essence, he has done everything for her without being noticed. But you missed the chance to know him as he is. I think this is one of the biggest mistakes made.
Therefore, if you choose to do something for your lover that you do not like, share it with your lover so that he or she knows that you are doing it because you love him, but what you actually prefer. Otherwise she will continue to think you two are very compatible until you reveal yourself, she. This is one of the worst things you can do for your relationship.
*So, is it necessary to be compatible for a happy relationship?
It is not necessary to be compatible in all matters. However, it is important to be compatible at a certain level in your outlook on life, the value you place on family, friendship, sexuality, and more. At this point, knowing yourself well again comes into play. “Which issues are more important to you?” When you know this, you need to seek harmony in those priority issues in the person who will enter your life. Otherwise, individuals with different perspectives start to have problems. Both parties may have difficulty understanding each other’s point of view. You can maintain a very happy relationship if you are compatible with the issues you prioritize and if you can show flexibility and respect your lover in other issues.
However, “If he likes it, he adapts to me.” If you have a thought pattern like this, if you don’t fit in, he will think that he doesn’t love you and this will become a problem that will distance you from the relationship even more. Ask yourself, “Would you give up the most important thing in life because you love?”
* What mistakes in marriage leave permanent damage to the relationship?
Conditions that leave permanent damage can be quite variable from person to person. When something is done that goes against the primary values of the person in the relationship, it can be very difficult for the person to forgive and repair the relationship. But these mistakes can be cheating for one person, violence for another person, and a single bad word said to his family for another. At this point, it is necessary to work hard to get to know your spouse well. Knowing the things he values very well and respecting his essentials makes the relationship happier and more peaceful. At the same time, you need to help your spouse get to know you very well and give your spouse the opportunity to know your priorities and essentials well.
Many people say, “My wife does not talk at all. I don’t understand what’s going on.” she can say. His wife said, “Everything is out there, he has to understand. We’ve been married all these years, can’t he still understand me?” she can say.
We all have a window into the world, and we all have a different window. The only reality visible to you may be that window. But something else is visible from your wife’s window! Therefore, carefully explain to your spouse what you see when you look out of your window every day so that they can understand you and your spouse will tell you what you see from your window and try to understand. So you will see that you are starting to understand each other better day by day. Sometimes the views from the two windows are very similar, and sometimes the views are very different. No matter what window you look at, you can see that your relationship deepens as you work hard to understand your spouse.
* Does being very compatible and saying yes to everything wear out the relationship?
A person’s constant adaptation to his partner and saying yes to everything can create a feeling of how well we are in harmony at the beginning. However, when you do this just to be compatible, not because it really comes from your heart, your inner person will rebel after a while. At that time, it is inevitable that the spouse will say to the other party that you have changed, which is the situation I have said before. Because he has a hard time pretending to be someone he is not, and when he reaches the last drop of his patience, he will start acting like himself. This will lead to the deterioration of the relationship. At this point, “Are you going to spend effort to maintain the relationship?” again, the process of getting to know each other comes into play. Or, “Are you going to think you’ve been tricked and give up and leave?”
* Skin harmony, sharing in the bedroom alone can save the relationship?
This question made me think of something Julie Gottman said when I was training Gottman Couples Therapy. As far as I remember, he said: “If there is a chemical compatibility between the couples, the chances of salvaging the relationship are quite high.”
However, the relationship is a very comprehensive formation. Sexual compatibility is only one of the components that make up the relationship. If sexual compatibility is among the priority values for individuals in a relationship, I can say that the chance of saving the relationship is higher. However, if one of the spouses behaves in a way contrary to a priority value of the spouse, sex alone may not be enough to save the relationship.
It is a situation where individuals with skin compatibility frequently decide to leave and cannot break away from the relationship. From this perspective, they are more likely to feel emotional intensity towards each other as they are drawn to each other even when they have problems. This can be seen as an advantage for them.
Because many individuals have difficulty in remembering the good things and feelings about them as a result of their negative experiences. This situation brings the thought that it is not worth the effort for a relationship for many times. For those with skin compatibility, the chance to see at least one positive aspect of the relationship may allow them to spend effort for that relationship. However, skin compatibility alone does not save the relationship.
* Well, whatever the problem is, are there any factors that can bring the relationship to the level of recovery?
In conditions where there is no conflict between the primary values of individuals, the biggest factor that can bring the relationship to the level of recovery; I think that the feeling of love for both people in the relationship is continuing. It is also important that they understand the value of their relationship. People who understand that they are valuable to each other do not hesitate to spend effort to understand each other and solve their problems, and people who work hard have a great chance to save the relationship.
*So what are these things you call primary value?
Primary values; They are things that a person prioritizes, that have a lot of meaning in one’s life, and will never compromise on. For example, family relationships may be a primary value for a person and if his wife does not want him to see his family, that person very easily loses faith that the relationship will work and feels ready to leave the relationship even if he loves it. Or to a person who has played sports all his life and wants to keep sports in his life until the end of his life, “Now we are married and I want you to spend the time you dedicate to sports for me.” Do not expect a different result. At this point, it is very important to understand primary values in relationships. It is very important for your relationship to be solid foundations, especially knowing your primary values with the person you will marry before you get married and knowing that you can mutually respect your values.
* If we talk about the decision to have a child to save the marriage…
The decision to have a child to save the marriage… Maybe a decision that should never have been made. I am not a person who says never easily. However, I believe that it is a very wrong point of view to think that just having children will save the marriage. I think that children born into the world deserve a happy family environment. Of course, this may not always be possible. But I think that at least parents should work hard to do their best. If a decision is made to give birth to a child, it is necessary to make a lot of sacrifices for his life. However, no matter how I look at it, unfortunately, I can’t take the responsibility of restoring the relationship to that child before he is born. In addition, if they are ready for the problems to increase exponentially after they have a child, of course, the decision is up to the people who will have children.
There is only one circumstance where I think the decision to have a child will work. While getting to know your child, it also includes the decision to get to know each other anew, to learn to be understanding towards your child and each other, that is, to grow the relationship with the child. That’s when having kids can give the relationship a chance. Otherwise, even if you choose to continue a relationship for your child’s future, when your child grows up and leaves home and you are alone with your spouse again, it may be too late to solve the problems that are piling up on your door.
* What are the main features of the happy and promising relationship that is usually imagined?
There are many features, but I can say that one of the most important characteristics of relationships that have the potential for happiness is that people fall in love with each other. In my master’s thesis research, I worked with married couples and as a result of the analyzes we found that the effect of the level of love felt on the level of marital satisfaction was 69.5%, which can be considered as a very decisive effect. Moreover, we found that in addition to marital satisfaction, the level of love and life satisfaction were also highly correlated. In addition to all these, we determined as a result of the analyzes that the marital adjustment, marital satisfaction and life satisfaction levels of the individuals who made a logic marriage were significantly lower than those who made a love marriage.
There are many criteria that determine whether you fall in love with someone. First of all, your physical attraction will of course push you to establish intimacy with that person. The fact that everything creates excitement in this process will make individuals more open to getting to know each other with a sense of curiosity. This process is very valuable. It is very important to be yourself as much as possible during this process. Because whether a relationship will work or not is highly related to your natural states being compatible. While getting to know the other party, your values, priorities, needs, interests. As these begin to become clear, you may gradually decide that this person is not for you and you may choose to walk away from that person. Or your overlapping traits may attract you even more and you may fall in love.
Of course, love is a very personal feeling, but according to Sternberg’s triangle love theory, which scientifically determines the components of love, let me talk about love very briefly. According to this theory, love has three components. These are passion (we can think of it as physical attraction), intimacy (you can think of it as being close by noticing the things you are compatible with) and determination/commitment (which can be thought of as making a decision to start and maintain a relationship by thinking that a relationship is the right one for you) components. When all of these components come together then perfect love occurs. But many times it doesn’t all come together. For example, romantic love is formed when passion and intimacy come together. However, this love does not last long, as this love lacks the decision to continue and remain committed. “The challenge isn’t to find the perfect love, it’s the realization that you’ve found the perfect love during the relationship and to keep it.” says. Have this in the back of your mind.
Finally, even though I explained it while answering the previous questions, I should still say it. Those whose primary values are compatible and who can respect each other’s values in matters where they are not compatible. I can also say that the relationships of couples who communicate with each other every day and share windows with each other promise a happy future.
* How effective can couples therapy be in saving the relationship that has come to an end?
Couples therapy can be quite effective as long as both parties are willing to work and put effort into the relationship. However, it is also very important what leads to the end of the relationship. I get very repetitive, but if one person’s primary value is violated and the other person has no intention of understanding that value, or if two people’s primary values are completely opposite, then there isn’t much to be done in couples therapy at that point. Only understanding why this situation arises allows people to clarify their decision to end this relationship. Or, even if it’s not very common, their relationship may deserve another chance with the decision to put the primary value of one of the spouses into the background.
* Let’s say the relationship is over. Now you have to get used to a new life again. What needs to be done?
When the relationship is over, first the questioning process is entered. In this process, the person asks some questions to himself, “Why did it happen to me? How did it end up like this? and it can be painful to ask these questions. Then comes the blame process, and this process can also be accompanied by anger. Sometimes you blame yourself, sometimes your ex, sometimes life, sometimes everything. These processes are tiring. You get angry, you suffer. But it is necessary to overcome this process as it is, not to suppress it before the time, so that the emotions flow and the calmness that comes naturally brings acceptance. If you suppress your emotions immediately because you don’t want to suffer any pain, it is very likely that you will go through a long period of time and go through the blame process again and again. If you feel that you are in such a situation for a long time, it may be good for you to get psychological support to get through this process.
When you come to the point where you can accept the situation on your own or with the help of psychological support, it is time to take a lesson. At this point, there are some questions you should ask yourself. “What did I learn from this relationship?” “What has this relationship done for me?” “What aspects of myself have I discovered in this relationship?” “What did I like about this relationship?” “What did I not like about this relationship?” “I realized what value is important to me in this relationship?” When you answer these questions, you will have set new criteria for relationships for yourself. In the event of your next relationship, you will know better what to watch out for because you know yourself better. When you meet someone who meets your criteria, you will be ready to step into a more solid relationship.