Marriage in the Pandemic

If we make a rough calculation; If one or both of them were working until recently, while the average daily seeing of the spouses does not exceed 5 hours, they currently have to live together in the same house for an extra 12 hours. But the mind searches for the order to which it is accustomed… Why? – Because people are motivated to apply the method they know, study and trust in order to survive, and their mental behavior schemes are coded in this way. Every system that is not accustomed to is first questioned one step behind, examined, and even perceived as an enemy for a while innovations; A person who cannot adapt to the new one immediately, with concerns about whether there is a purpose to his life, whether this new life format is beneficial or not, resists for a long time, because the mind must test the reliability of the new system and come to the level of readiness that can change its behavior by establishing the neural connections suitable for the new. It takes time for this to happen.

Even if a person has to develop a new behavior habit against an external danger, he can resist by ignoring the danger and even get used to human suffering and become dependent… Why?… Because even if the familiar situation is painful, it is a comfort zone for most people. creates. I call them “pains that create comfort zones”. The person trusts even the pain he knows used to, rather than developing a new habit, after all, it is familiar, there is no uncertainty of the new, or we can say that; even if it is painful, a person endures the life to which he is used to, and even loves inwardly; Like marriages that last for years despite complaints, like jobs that are done without love but cannot be changed, like long roads that are walked instead of shortcuts… While a person loses his old habit, mental preparation must be made for a new behavior. However, in the current dangerous epidemic environment, a new way of life that people have to live to protect themselves is presented unprepared. And since the process developed suddenly, there was no stage in which humanity would adapt and prepare for this new life format. In other words, the brain has been deprived of the necessary time to leave the old habit and get used to the new one, to make a smooth transition (new synaptic networks need to be formed in the brain for behavioral change, why is it needed time). From this point of view, the mind may have a hard time getting used to seeing a person you see 5 hours a day for 12 hours a day, even if it is your spouse. So what can happen in the same house in case of this strain?

1) I mentioned above that people seek and defend the system they are used to and try to maintain it. So couples will follow the 5 hours they are used to. What does this mean; The mind will perceive the extra 12 hours as a dangerous and uncertain time because it is outside of what it is used to. And uncertainty is one of the biggest sources of stress for people. Unexplained, unclarified long-term uncertainties also cause chronic stress and turn into anxiety.

2) The uncertainty of the new system that will be created by the external danger (epidemic) and the harm that the epidemic will cause to humanity has not been clarified, the treatment has not been found so far, the physical dimension of the enemy is invisible but its effect is lethal, that is, the presence of a deadly and invisible enemy outside, the limbic system, which is the most primitive part of the human, can survive. It stimulates to trigger the instinct to stay and the “either escape” or “fight” reflex emerges. But in this situation there is neither a place to flee to, nor a visible enemy to fight. In order to fight or flee, the human mind wants to see the enemy, to name it and to know its shape, because only then will it be able to take its guard. But since he can do nothing against this invisible enemy, he will transfer his fighting reflex to the visible things in the environment. One of the reasons for the outbursts of anger is that the real addressee of the problem cannot be found. In fact, if we make an apt analogy, after a while, a person may begin to see his environment as a virus because he needs a visible danger to defend himself, and with the effect of the existing “fight” and “flight” reflex, he believes that he defends himself against danger by developing a defense against his wife Ahmet or Hatice, whom he thinks is limiting his space. In other words, it can reflect its reaction against the virus, which is the addressee of the main emotion, to visible people or things, until new neural networks are formed and they get used to the new life format. . Therefore, in this process, my advice to the spouses is that they disappear from each other’s eyes for a while in order to make a smoother transition; they are not always together, they spend time in separate rooms if possible; For example , it will also be beneficial for people to create their own private living spaces where they can be interested in their hobbies .

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