Which of us marry to be unhappy?
All this wedding rush for emotional and financial investment, excitement, dreams, an unhappy marriage?
What are the reasons that push married couples to insolvency?
In this article, I have included the reasons and solutions that push couples to insolvency. Marriage is actually considered as two different people starting to share a new life period. Every change in a person’s life causes stress, whether it is a job change or a city change; however, the place of radical changes such as marriage is different. The fact that two different people start to share the same house and the same life can bring along a very important problem of harmony. Some couples who have adjustment problems can adjust over time. Our main subject is how couples who cannot adapt or whose harmony is broken later fall into a marital deadlock and how to overcome it.
Marriage stalemate comes before us in earnest, but here some choose to divorce, others to endure. Divorce is easy, but it is difficult and exhausting to endure. For me, divorce and enduring are both indistinguishable from each other, I propose to mend.
Marriage is an emotional process. Logic is also needed, but when we look only at logic, this is not something that works very well in marriage. What do a woman and a man want from marriage?
Let’s try to answer this question first. The woman wants to feel that she is valuable in the eyes of her husband, when she does not feel that she is valued, a marriage deadlock has begun for the woman. The man, on the other hand, wants eroticism, order and seeing that he makes his wife happy. When he can’t see these, marriage deadlock has started for the man. Of course, women want order and the happiness of their spouse, and men want to feel important by their spouses, but the primary needs are the ones I mentioned above. A woman who does not feel that she is valuable in the eyes of her husband cannot reflect eroticism, cannot stay in order and constantly expresses her unhappiness. A man who cannot experience eroticism with his wife, who sees his wife’s constant unhappiness and whose order is disturbed, cannot make his wife feel that he values her, and a paradox begins.
This creates a giant pit of negativity that feeds on each other, and it begins to pull the couple further and further into the swamp. Because of this, a lot of problems arise, couples deal with problems coming up or blaming each other. It is necessary to focus on the structure, not the problem.
We can talk about the existence of 3 basic elements in the family structure.
Conflict Resolution, Friendship, and Shared Meaning
The problems experienced in these areas are structural problems and bring many problems with them. This may lead to the point of “NO COMMUNICATION”, which is heard very often. When it comes to family, it is not one person who spoils it and who needs to fix it, but both of the couples. Because the point is that both have direct or indirect contributions. Let’s go step by step to tackle the structural issues.
Conflict Resolution: We will encounter thousands of problems throughout our lives, both individually and as a spouse, and it will be more functional if we have a structure that can solve them instead of running away from them. The first factor in not being able to solve a problem is that your spouse does not understand you. If your partner understood you, there would be no problem. You constantly tried to explain yourself to your spouse, maybe you shouted when she didn’t understand, you applied different sanctions, and maybe you gave up on her understanding and stopped telling. I absolutely agree with you, of course, with a small difference, your spouse did not understand you and if he did, you would never have reached these points, but you are the side of the unintelligible as well as the unintelligible. You didn’t understand your wife either. You didn’t understand because you heard it, you didn’t listen. Maybe you didn’t make him feel that you were listening while he was talking, or you thought about the answers you would give him while he was talking, and you intervened thousands of times saying, “He is not like that, you understand as it suits you”. Maybe you understood but did not realize that you understood, or you thought that if I understood, you would accept it, you attacked him with your rightful sides, saying that every way is permissible to win, like on a battlefield. Yes, because actually you were both right.
If we look at the other factors that cannot solve the problem: Criticizing, Offensive, Insulting, Defending, Violence and Trying to change your partner. The more you use them, the deeper the marital stalemate will become. It is very important to remain calm while solving problems. Because they said, “Wordless Pouch War, Worded Shortcut Head” and they were very right. When a person is angry, he cannot pay attention to what comes out of his mouth and can burn the other person and himself. There is no point in regretting something after saying it, the important thing is to keep it under control from the beginning. Therefore, it is always necessary to learn to calm down and calm down.
Another step in problem solving is knowing that you can’t always win. It is difficult and not always possible to find a solution in problem situations where both people can win. So sometimes one of the couples will make sacrifices. There is no harm in doing this as long as you don’t always do the same. People should also know themselves.
They should know the emotions that trap them and try to repair these deficits in order not to be trapped. Another step in problem solving is learning to work with what lies beneath, not what appears. Reflections of problems may differ from the actual one. A headache can have thousands of causes, instead of working with the headache, it will be more functional to find the situation that causes the headache and try to fix it.
Friendship: Think of a friend you love very much, you don’t understand how the time goes by next to him. You enjoy when you’re with him, you coddle each other, laugh together, and sometimes get angry together. Your spouse should be your close friend, of course you are your spouse’s. The most important processes in marriage should be built on emotional bonds. So to speak, if you are annoyed with someone, you will be disturbed by their every behavior. Having an emotional bond between you and your spouse will give you strength in the problem solving phase we mentioned above.
How well do you know your spouse? How much do you know about his likes and dislikes? How well do you know about current problems? How well do you know his family? You can’t love someone you don’t know.
Do you love your spouse? Is love over in your relationship? Or what is love actually? What is love? (There is an exceptional situation regarding our children here for a while.) If you do not share with your spouse, if you do not have special time for him, if you are buried in your smartphones, if you do not have sex with him, it is not so much that the love factor remains alive. When he has a problem, if he cannot see you behind him, if you are not his supporter, there is a problem here too. Because you support your close friend in solving his problems.
Sex is very, very effective in the marriage system. Couples who don’t make love are two different people who have to share the same house and have the same problems. Couples who make love are couples who are at the point of being us. But what is sex? Sex alone is not the only thing that comes to mind when we say sex. It is one of the stages of sex. Sex is everything that can be experienced with a special person. Saying nice things to him is also sex, walking hand in hand, hugging, kissing and the last step. Having plenty of sex is one of the most important factors that keep a marriage alive.
Shared Meaning: Couples may belong to different cultures. They may think differently from political views, religious beliefs, ethnicities, family structures, culinary culture to child-rearing thoughts. It must be hard to find a mate who is the same as all of us. Having similar points of view can make the job easier, but in cases where it is not, it is necessary to find a common point of view and respect the other person. It is a situation that is easy to say but requires serious efforts in practice. That’s what marriage is like, and if it’s not structurally repaired, it doesn’t matter who’s right in problems, and it doesn’t give anyone anything. And it requires a serious investment in marriage, whenever you give up on each other, whenever you stop trying, you will come back to the same stage. It’s not like it used to be, that is, continuing the marriage. Marriage used to be easier, once it started it would go away somehow, but it’s not like that anymore. The world has changed, you change too. The world will not keep up with you, you will keep up with the world. In this article, I have touched upon the seemingly minor problems and causes. You may wonder how these little problems can destroy a marriage. The atomic bomb is also small, but the effect is huge, I say.