Loving Someone on the Borderline

Personality structure is individual and unique, but due to some similarities, personality structures are divided into some categories. Borderline personality structure, which is one of the B group personality groups, is a structure that can be seen in every person.

There are some behavioral patterns in borderline personality organization. These are listed in DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as follows:

1- Don’t make frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

2- Inconsistent and tense interpersonal relationships between extremes of over-magnification and disgrace.

3-Identity confusion.

4- At least two self-harming impulsivity (spending money, sex, substance abuse, unsafe driving, etc.).

5- Repetitive suicidal behavior, attempts or intimidation.

6- Inconsistency in affect.

7- A persistent sense of emptiness.

8- Inappropriate intense anger, difficulty in anger control.

9- Temporary suspicious thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms related to the strain.

If 5 or more of these nine items are present, the individual is diagnosed with ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’. Of course, those who make a diagnosis should be individuals who have received their expertise in the field of mental health.

Although there are many studies on the prevalence of borderline personality disorder, the general opinion is 2%. It is two times more common in women than men. In addition to personality disorder, individuals who do not have the above five characteristics, but who have a few of these characteristics, are called ‘Borderline Personality Organization’ individuals. The prevalence of borderline personality organization in the society is 20%.

Borderline Personality Traits and Borderline Love

Since one in five people is Borderline (preoedipal) level, we are highly likely to associate with people with Borderline personality organization at some point in our lives. In other words, there is a reflection of Borderline personality organization in the life of almost everyone in the society. In this article, I will try to explain the love relationship of borderline personality organization.

The most basic feature of borderline personality organization is that it divides good and bad. They may love certain people or objects at the extremes and hate them at the extremes. So there is no limit in the relationship. They may show extreme love towards the people they know and spend periods when they think of themselves as the best wife, lover, mother, father, friend in the world. However, this situation is not permanent. After a while, this situation will change and he will remove the object (person, institution, etc.) from its good compartment and replace it with the bad compartment.

This is how the lives of individuals with borderline personality organization pass, and they constantly experience problems in concepts such as the position, value and importance of the object in front of them. The object has a lifelong struggle with its position. As he cannot adjust this, he does not allow the other side to adjust it, and an intense conflict occurs.

An individual with a borderline personality organization worries too much about being left alone and being abandoned, and may try too hard to avoid this anxiety. When the relationship of a couple whose relationship is going badly comes to the breaking point, they may try to avoid separation by making an excessive effort against the fear of loneliness that this separation will bring, and ignore all their principles, values ​​and personality. Since he does not want to be alone, he can establish daily instant relationships and these relationships take him away from the feeling of loneliness. These established relationships are far from reality and depth. An individual with a borderline personality organization gives other people a lot of information in the first meeting. He tells many moments and feelings of their lives to the person in front of him in a short time. The border problems he experiences cannot manage to set the limit that will protect him during the establishment phase of the relationship.

A borderline individual who does not hesitate to make excessive sacrifices when necessary in the relationship, when he sees any evil that he does not like in his partner, will not avoid actions that will burn all the ships and wear out the relationship.

The difficulties of being a partner of a borderline individual manifest themselves in all areas of life.

  • friendship relations

  • Social shares

  • hobbies

  • family relationships etc.

Inconsistent demands in relationships similar to the above issues negatively affect both the individual and his/her environment. As a result of these demands, serious relationship problems are experienced. Lost friends, changing social environment and frayed life can be the cost of the relationship with these people. I do not want you to see that friend, the people in your family are all bad, I don’t want them in our lives, you will not go to the places I said.

The only way out of all these inconsistencies is through psychotherapy. Therapy will contribute to both the Borderline person and the Borderline person’s partner. Couples psychotherapy does not contribute enough to the relationships with these people. Borderline personality disorder is a personality construct. Changing this personality structure can only be achieved with individual psychotherapy. With the partner receiving psychotherapy, it contributes to the understanding of his role in this relationship dynamic and his ability to cope with the situation.

Unless the borderline individual receives psychotherapy, these bipolar thoughts in his life are constantly changing and accompanying him. He can make his wife the best person in the world one day, and the worst person in the world the next day. This relationship dynamic continues as long as psychotherapy is not taken. For this reason, getting psychotherapy is of great importance for the individual with borderline personality organization.

Individual with a family history of Borderline Personality Disorder

We have previously stated that the prevalence of borderline personality organization in society is 20%. Since this percentage shows that one out of every five people is Borderline, it will not be difficult to see such people in our family and relatives.

Family ties are a bond that one cannot break easily and it is very difficult to replace something. Family structures with borderline personalities become constantly in chaos, inconsistent, unbalanced and tiring. It causes the members of the family to break with each other or completely.

Constant family quarrels, incompatibility with relatives, endless aggression and instability are common in family relationships with borderline personality disorder. Considering that the borderline personality organization is based on the relationship between mother and child, it should be taken into account that this situation is intergenerational and can continue for generations.

It is necessary to nurture borderline individuals socially, they may feel emotionally deprived and inadequate from time to time, so it will be good for them to support them in the field they are interested in. They neither want to be completely bored nor be left out. However, they have frequent mood changes. They expect you to experience the opposite of their simultaneous emotional state. It is a pathological condition that you need to be calm when angry, angry when calm. The attitude of waiting for the other person to understand and solve it, while not being able to express his own feelings towards himself, is a picture that can be seen frequently in Borderline Personality Disorder.

Loving someone borderline is a situation that requires intense patience and effort. Over time, Borderline (thoughts experienced at the extremes, completely bad, completely good) thoughts will begin to appear in the person who loves. It is very important to consult a specialist for how to deal with these situations.

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