Jealousy; It is a feeling that comes into existence with the relationship and is seen as an inseparable part of love by the society. Underneath the feeling of jealousy, there is the fear of losing a person who is important and the anxiety about the deterioration or loss of the relationship. It is also an emotion based on fear and pain that a person gives to protect and maintain his relationship.
“Loving people are jealous.” His judgment appears as a prejudice passed down from generation to generation. The person presents this as a plausible explanation for the intense jealousy he experiences. So is jealousy really related to love? Research shows that jealousy has a very low connection with love. Jealousy includes both love and hate. An emotion with such strong hatred cannot be about love alone. So we can say; Jealousy is not a sign of love, it is a shadow.
If we examine jealousy in depth, it is an emotion related to the individual dynamics of the person, whose origins date back to children and adolescence. In other words, it also manifests itself as a delayed reaction to a period in which the individual feels humiliated, inadequate or helpless. It is closely related to one’s individual identity and self-esteem.
If we look at the socio-cultural approach; Jealousy is a social and cultural phenomenon. The individual learns to be jealous based on the rules he learns in the society he lives in and the attitudes he observes. It has been observed that the individual learns jealousy and can develop this attitude by modeling the caregivers through selective internalization.
Individuals with intense jealousy often describe it as a way of protecting and owning their relationships. If we evaluate the ways to protect the relationship; this can be achieved in a way that demands greater sharing, dedication and understanding. However, jealous individuals do this by getting angry, offended, threatening or using force. Attempts to ensure the loyalty of the partner with threats or pressure. But fidelity is not assured by threat, but by love. All behaviors that involve control and pressure as a result of jealousy only cause the partner to move away, and our effort to protect ends with the loss of the relationship.
At the same time, jealous individuals tend to constantly find and compete with a rival. Here, too, the situation is the rivals created by the person’s own inadequacy, the belief that he is worthless and flawed, rather than the love attributed to the partner. The tendency to feel inferior to the person with whom one is competing forces the person to beat him. But the problem is usually not the competitor; The problem is the internal processes of the individual. This situation becomes a cycle, reincarnating itself constantly. Although the person believes that he will feel comfortable when he eliminates these opponents, the unresolved processes related to him will push him to find an opponent again and he will always find himself in this exhausting battle.
When we examine jealousy, we also encounter differences between gender and relationship types. It was found that women performed more control interventions for emotional infidelity and men for sexual infidelity; It was determined that women showed more jealousy reactions than men and singles showed more jealousy reactions than married people. According to the researches, the less jealous reactions of married individuals give the result that they reach relational satisfaction, their relationships are more secure and they have less anxiety with the belief that they have the other party.
If we examine the reasons for jealousy; can be attributed to three main factors. First of all, factors such as insecurity, inadequacy and worthlessness of the individual about himself and himself affect low self-esteem and form the basis of the feeling of jealousy. A second factor is the fear of loss or abandonment, based on one’s past and affecting the present. These people may have experienced abandonment in their past lives, or they may have grown up in fear of it. They are likely to have grown up with caregivers who are often inconsistent, unstable, with outbursts, outbursts, and have been exposed to experiences that interrupt secure attachment with parents. A child exposed to this experiences intense anxiety about losing their parents or caregivers. When he grows up and becomes an adult, this anxiety, which he cannot resolve, does not leave him and he may try to control intensely in order not to lose his partner. The other factor is insecurity. Factors such as being exposed to the abuse of parents or caregivers in insecurity, modeling the skeptical and insecure attitudes of parents, growing up with apprehensive, violent, damaging attitudes, and constantly growing up with warnings that others are unreliable, can create the perception of insecurity in the person and this perception can affect the relationships established. It can be reflected as jealousy.
Individuals have a lot of responsibility to solve jealousy. First of all, it should not be forgotten that the problem in relationships is the reaction to jealousy rather than jealousy. For this reason, a person should first evaluate the behaviors that arise as a result of his thoughts and pass it through a filter.
Changing the judgment that jealousy is the criterion of love is one of the effective ways. If you want to show love, it will be easier and healthier to show it with direct and positive attitudes, not jealousy.
One of the points that one should realize for the solution of jealousy and the point where people make the most mistake is that there can be no “we” by destroying the “I”s in the relationship. When jealousy comes into play, the person expects the other person to make concessions, and in order for him to do so, he first compromises on himself. However, there should be one “me” and one “you” in the healthy “we”. Instead of giving up on ourselves, our values or trying to dissuade our partner, we should try to be “us” by protecting “I”s. This is how the strongest “we” stands.
Finding the underlying cause of one’s jealousy will also show what they need to resolve. The primary goal of those who want to get rid of the intense burden of jealousy and the feeling of pain, fear and anxiety is to discover the reason. It should not be forgotten that if the reasons do not change, the events; If events do not change, the results do not.
If, despite all these, the person still cannot get rid of the burden of jealousy, anxiety and fear, continues to harm both himself and his relationship despite all his efforts, and has to lose all his values just because of this, his first goal should be to get psychological support.