THE BIGGEST FAVOR WE CAN DO TO OUR LOVED ONES IS SAY NO TO THEM!
Sometimes you do things you don’t want because you love someone so much. Sometimes we say yes when the other party says “He will be hurt”. This is of course natural from time to time and may be according to the needs of the relationships. In fact, such arrangements are something we want from time to time. However, if you constantly accept the things you don’t want, if you say yes even though you don’t want it, this is harmful behavior for both your relationships and you. In order to love someone for a long time and maintain relations with the other party, one must first meet his own needs.
When we constantly postpone our own wants and needs, we get tired and more importantly, we start to get angry. It is not possible for us to maintain relationships that consume and are constantly self-sacrificing for a long time. However, when we look at it, the responsibility of the other party is very small in relationships that require constant sacrifice. They simply want something from you. They won’t know about your situation unless you tell them what you want and don’t want. We are the ones who have to express our own wishes and thoughts to the other party and set limits. It is our responsibility to say no to things we do not want. As we learn to set boundaries and say no, we become aware of and able to meet our own needs. This increases our capacity to love. We are less tired now and life becomes easier.
Of course, saying no is not always easy, and some say “no” more difficult. In fact, these people are generally recognized as compatible people by their environment. There are some reasons for this.
WHY CAN’T WE SAY NO?
Boundaries are learned at a very early age. Especially from the age of 2, children begin to learn that they can say no and influence the environment with their decisions. However, sometimes the mistakes made by the people around the child during this learning process cause the boundaries to be learned incorrectly. Some of these misbehaviors include:
1. Extreme Limit and Control
The excessive control and oppression of the family or those around us in childhood prevents people from determining their own boundaries. For this reason, children learn to say “okay” to avoid being mistreated without thinking about what we want or don’t want. This causes people to live focused on the wishes of the other party in adulthood. The person shows continuous affirmation behavior without thinking.
2. The Desire to Be Loved and Accepted
Conditional love in childhood, being constantly rejected is one of the reasons that prevent learning to set healthy boundaries. “I don’t like you if you misbehave. If you do your lessons, we play games. You didn’t wear your coat, no game for you. Look, you cried, you upset your mother.”
These are sentences that show that love and care are conditional. People who have been exposed to these sentences too much cannot listen to their own wishes in adulthood. He is especially tolerant towards his loved ones. They think that if they oppose something, they will be rejected and unloved. This makes it harder for them to say no.
3. Negligence for a Reason
Children understand their needs, caring about their feelings, with the reactions coming from their surroundings. However, if these reactions did not come for some reason, if the environment in which he grew up is complex, the child learns not to make a sound and to ignore his needs.
∙ Houses where there is quarrel and disagreement,
∙ Houses where there is someone else in need of care,
∙ Houses in mourning with lost death are examples of these.
In adulthood, these people cannot notice the situations that they are uncomfortable with, they do not want to cause problems, they think “Oh, let’s not lose our taste”. However, saying no to someone, expressing discomfort, setting boundaries is not a problem.
Being able to set boundaries enables us to embrace what we do, to accept or change our lives, to take action, to take responsibility. When there are no boundaries, people often feel incomplete and aimless, but they do not understand what is missing. It’s like living in outer space…
WHAT TO DO TO PROTECT INSIDE AND OUTSIDE?
7 WAYS TO PROTECT BORDERS
The biggest challenge in protecting boundaries is the person himself. When setting limits, the person most often questions whether he or she has the right to do so. The truth is that if you don’t want to do something or want to change the way they treat you, you ALWAYS have the right to state it, not to do it, ask for clarification about what you don’t want to do, stop someone.
In doing so, you can use your own methods or the following ways:
1- First of all, you need to learn to use some sentences:
▪ Your persistence won’t change my mind
▪ I don’t want to listen to you right now
▪ I don’t think like you,
▪ Just because I say no to you doesn’t mean I don’t love you
▪ I don’t want to talk to the person
▪ I don’t want you to talk to me like that, etc.
2- Remind yourself frequently that saying no to someone is very important for both yourself and the other party. Boundaries are important to love and be loved!
3- Think long and hard about why you can’t say no. If the fear of losing is the desire not to cause problems, try to change it. Because boundaries are not problems or reasons for abandonment.
4- First of all, explain to yourself why you are uncomfortable with the things you say no to, object to, or prevent. The more you know yourself. You can be that determined.
5- Setting boundaries also means taking responsibility. Keep in mind that your loved ones may get upset when you say no to something.
Your partner may be really upset that you didn’t go on a family visit with him. Talking about it also shows the value you place on your relationship and strengthens you. However, that doesn’t mean you have to give up on your decision. You can both talk about problems and protect your boundaries.
6- Respect other people’s boundaries as well.
We just don’t have borders. When we truly understand the importance of boundaries, we protect others. We also attach importance to their values.
7- Get support from your loved ones while creating and protecting your borders.
Because we all need more love as we struggle. Let them support you, praise you, say you’re doing great 🙂
Making these is not easy. So congratulate yourself for each day you move forward calmly and without giving up. If you feel that you are struggling, it may be a good idea to seek support from an expert.