Jealousy is a natural emotion

Jealousy is as negative as human history and is an innate trait. Hz. Most of us know the story of Abel and Cain, the children of Adam (pbuh). Cain killed his brother Abel out of jealousy. Similarly, Hz. Yusuf’s (as) brothers threw him into a well out of jealousy and told their father that the wolves had eaten him.

Jealousy is an innate trait in humans. Like all other emotions, the feeling of jealousy is primarily aimed at protecting people. People should be jealous so that they can protect the values ​​they have. There are no bad feelings; There are feelings that cannot be turned into beauty.

Let’s suppose for a moment that we have erased jealousy from our lives, that we have never known about an emotion called jealousy. How strange would life be, wouldn’t it?

Jealousy is necessary for human development, especially children. Jealousy is an emotion that motivates us to be like people who are superior to us and pushes us to work. Jealousy arises from not wanting to share loved ones or objects.

When it comes to children, jealousy can reach levels that make parents tired of their lives. Undoubtedly, the wrong attitudes and behaviors of parents unconsciously have an effect on this.

The main source of jealousy for the child is the need for the love of the parents. The arrival of a sibling fuels jealousy. The main reason for this is the decrease in the interest of the parents, who are the main source of love for the child, albeit unconsciously. The child thinks that the attention and love of the parents is completely directed towards the sibling. This turns into behaviors aimed at regaining this interest and love in the child. He enters the race to prove that he is better than the sibling he is jealous of, and that he is someone more lovable.

When viewed as an innate feature, the child’s feeling of jealousy is normal. Parents need to allow the child to express this jealousy. On the contrary, if the child is exposed to shame and condemnation because of his jealousy, then the child will feel guilty.

We mentioned above that jealousy is not a bad feeling. However, shaming or condemnation causes the child to feel bad and to conclude that jealousy is a bad thing. This results in the child seeing himself as a bad person. First of all, as parents, it is necessary to know that jealousy is not a bad feeling, and to allow it to be expressed like all other emotions. Jealousy for the child when this is not done “bad thing”will remain and “doing something bad”will see it.

The child will feel abandoned and insecure. Moreover, such a child will not think of being nice to his brother; he may even have hostile feelings towards his brother -as he sees his brother as the cause of them.

Undoubtedly, it is necessary to make some explanations to the child who exists before a newborn baby. However, there are points to be noted here. Behaviors such as showing excessive interest and affection for the child before the newborn baby, buying new gifts and toys, taking the child to their own bed, making long speeches about the newborn baby do not kill the feelings of jealousy in the child.

Parents should know that every child is jealous of his sibling.

Based on this reality, it should not be forgotten that many actions to be taken in the name of precaution will go to waste. The best approach that can be done is to explain to the existing child before the new born baby is born and to prepare him/her mentally for this situation. Here, the uniqueness of the existing child should be emphasized and he should be made to feel special. After the baby is born, giving the older child responsibilities for the care of the baby will also have beneficial results. In this way, the child will not feel excluded and will continue to see him as a member of the family.

In addition, parents should reflect their statements and verbal expressions into their behaviors. said to the child “You are our only child. We still love you very much. We are very happy that you are our child.” explanations, etc., can comfort the child. However, this relaxation will be most effective and permanent as long as the parents can reflect these discourses on their behaviors. In order to realize this, the mother takes her older child despite the newborn baby, for example to the theater, shopping centers, parks; Activities that can be done, such as taking his father to amusement parks, spades, etc. will make the child feel that he is still cared for and valued.

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Give the Child the Opportunity to Recognize His Emotion

You should provide appropriate communication examples so that the child understands that jealousy is not a bad thing, but a human emotion. In this way, the child will think that jealousy is not a bad thing, he will not feel guilty, as if he has done something bad. Let’s say your child said a sentence based on jealousy but loaded with signs of anger:

“I am very angry at my brother’s cries. It bothers me.”

Here, the mother’s approach is very important. Using effective communication methods, the mother can say:

“Your brother’s cries are making you angry(Child’s Emotional Reflection) . Do you want to know the truth? Actually, I get angry from time to time too.(Own Emotional Reflection) . Sometimes I’m so tired and it pisses me off that I have to take care of her. Especially at night it is very difficult to get up from sleep. But I am his mother as I am yours, and I must take care of him. That’s how you cried when you were little. And that’s how I was looking at you. Despite all that, I love you both very much.”

Such an attitude to the child; it will make them think that it is normal to love, to be angry, to be jealous, and it will allow the child to recognize their feelings. The child will learn that being angry is a normal emotion, just like loving.

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Condition Yourself to Be Fair, Not Equal

In my opinion, one of the main reasons for the feelings of jealousy among siblings and their negative reflections is that parents condition themselves to act equally.

No child is the same as another. Every child has their own unique characteristics. In our behavior towards children, we have to take into account differences such as age and gender, as well as such differences. Let’s say you buy two children of the same sex who are similar in age and you buy the same toy so they don’t fight. Did you do it right?

When buying gifts for children, you should also consider their mental, social, emotional and spiritual conditions. One of the children may like toys that appeal to their social skills, another may like toys that require mathematical intelligence. In this case, whichever toy you buy appeals to, the other child may feel that it is not understood and valued. Child “You are already buying the most beautiful toy for my brother.” he can reflect his inner feelings by saying. In this case, parents usually “But we got you both just the same.” he replies. However, there is a hidden message in the child’s discourse: “You always buy toys that my brother likes, not toys that I like.”has a message.

In sibling quarrels stemming from jealousy, parents often have an attitude of protecting the younger sibling and expecting understanding from the elder. When a fight breaks out, the mother and / or father confront the two brothers and ask them to tell what happened, in order to find the wrong side and act fairly. But as soon as one of them starts to say something, often the other immediately interrupts and squabbles begin. The problem is not just solved, it just gets bigger.

In such cases, it is best for parents not to get involved in sibling quarrels, provided that they do not go too far. It is best for children to find the solution themselves. Because often younger children imitate the older brother, they want to be like him. However, in situations where he is stuck, he plays the oppressed role and asks for help from his parents. If he gets support, he will continue to have similar problems, and he will not stop angering his big brother. Parents should not come to such games, they should assume the role of not getting involved in fights. The little child, who cannot see the support of the parents, usually chooses to deal with the elder. This also eliminates the problem.

Failure to act fairly breeds distrust. This triggers jealousy. One of the most important points in the education of children is to be fair. If the child feels that he is being treated unfairly and unfairly for one reason or another, the natural response to this is ‘problem behaviors’.

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