Did you know that according to the statistics of 2017, 22 out of every hundred married couples in Turkey get divorced? In addition, problems experienced in ongoing marriages, violence and death incidents appear in the news almost every day. While this issue stands before us as a social problem, we see that the studies put forward as a solution are not sufficient. It is debatable how healthy and realistic it is to remember ‘Women’s Day’ or ‘Mother’s Day’ once a year, especially in today’s Turkey where violence against women is intense, and it also reveals the irony of the situation we are in.
Why is there so much divorce, domestic violence and distress? Why aren’t families happy? We see that women, men and children in society are not happy. Economic difficulties may come to mind first. “If we had as much money as … everything would be better” I can hear you say. Yes, money is necessary for happiness, but not all. I can say that the main factor underlying this is the lack of healthy communication within the family, the difference/differentiation of men’s and women’s views on life, and the lack of sexual compatibility. Couples experiencing these difficulties move away from each other and build a wall between them. They continue their unhappy marriages due to social pressure and financial inadequacy or by using their children as an excuse. They do not care about their own lives. As they lose their sense of mutual respect and value over time, they begin to see each other as enemies and hurt each other.
Family Counselors step in and create awareness in this process, trying to solve domestic problems and help the family, but why come to these levels? Why not have the foundations of marriage firmly established beforehand? Before experiencing all these problems, that is, with the help of counseling support before marriage, it can be resolved.
The most important choice made in life is the “choice of a partner”. The more healthy and right choices you make, the more happy and peaceful you will be throughout your life. If the choice is wrong, it should not be forgotten that besides unhappiness, there will be loss of material, moral and most importantly time.
What should be considered before marriage?
The person who wants to get married should first ask himself the following questions in a realistic way, without being influenced by his emotions; “Why do I want to get married?”, “What kind of marriage do I want?”, “What is my purpose in marriage?”, “What kind of wife do I want?”, “Why do I want to marry this person?”, “What is the character structure of the person I will marry? Is it compatible?”. “What do I expect from life and is it compatible with the perspective of the person I will marry?” In addition to these, many factors such as the relationship of the person to be married with his family, his profession, education and economic status, whether he has had any disease, his perspective on sexuality, having a child and raising, put the documents in front of how the person will marry. Men and women should examine and evaluate these criteria individually and together, and reach a mutual decision accordingly.
There are points to be careful while doing this. They should not give premature meaning to their relationship. Marriage decision should not be taken while in an intense emotional state. If there is any problem in the relationship, it should not be thought of as “it will get better when you get married”, it should be tried to eliminate the problem. After making a final decision in the relationship, it is useful to share with family members. Making the decision to marry as a reaction to the family or a previous relationship creates unhealthy consequences. Making your family happy, being together for a long time, or out of a sense of gratitude should never step into marriage.
In the premarital counseling service, it is evaluated whether the couples are compatible in many respects. The first of these is family structures. It should not be forgotten that the families of the two people get married as well. Family dynamics, myths and taboos are important. It is determined how families raise their children, that is, their upbringing styles are revealed. In addition, educational processes, cultural and professional harmony, beliefs, personality harmony, value system, sexual adjustment are examined. Problems that may arise in the future are determined and necessary actions are taken to eliminate them.
The purpose of premarital counseling; It is to ensure that couples gain awareness about each other and step into marriage in a healthier and stronger way.
As a result, happier men and women contribute to a happy family and children. Happy families are essential building blocks for the formation of a healthy society.