If I Run A Little From My Childhood!

Growth and shrinkage, child and adult, attachment, individualization, turmoil, serenity, we live in the present with the past and back and forth. Sometimes I try to rise, I rise, but I rise, but a moment comes, I fall, I become childish, I become inadequate. I’m not sure if it’s fear. I’m trying to walk, I’m trying to take a step, I’m trying to get out of my playground, I’m trying to become an adult, I’m trying to become individual, I’m trying to grow. Sometimes I can’t balance the speed. Sometimes I try to speed so much that it’s like a child is always trying to leave my side behind. Was this what it was supposed to be? To leave my childhood side on the shelf of a closet, to pretend to forget, to try to hide the pain at the bottom of my closet. It’s not enough. In the cupboard, on the shelf, wherever I try to leave it, it doesn’t. It’s like it’s ready to end at any moment. It’s like he’ll never leave. Sometimes it suffocates, sometimes it walks around my feet. Sometimes it slows me down, sometimes it takes my breath away. He’s holding me, he’s blocking me. You know, even if you try to make you forget some things by force, it always tries to remind you in your mind, it doesn’t go away, and on the contrary, when you want to forget, it is more like him. Past memories weigh like a burden. That’s why I try to leave it in the closet. I say don’t slow me down.

But I forget this most of the time; I’m running so fast to try to forget it, I’m constantly trying to forcefully take steps to suppress that pain. However, if I accept the past memories. It’s past its name. The past is past now…

But it’s unfinished, you know why? It’s unfinished because I’ve always tried to force him out of there in the past, because I forced him into the closet, because I tried to force him out of my thoughts. Like I said, he gets stuck trying not to think. However, if I accept that my past is in my present, it will also relax and neither will it catch my throat and take my breath away, nor will it tangle on my feet and slow my pace. People get older and grow, but people hardly mature. For example, if I accept their opposite sides, my inadequacy in some subjects, my competence in some subjects, or if I am a child in some subjects? Sometimes if I meet my memories as an adult, sometimes if I get smaller, for example, wouldn’t it be against my fears or if I get smaller? Do I have to stand tall and fight my fears? For example, sometimes if I were a child, my mother would play with my hair. Sometimes if I was a kid and jumped in the mud, would I be too kid? Or should I just sit somewhere as an adult, thinking about my past memories and staring at the mud? What if I stay in the Moment for a while and become a child and mature?!

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