”I Love Him So Much But I Can’t Make Him Happy…”

If this sentence sounds familiar to you, then this article is for you.

“I love him so much, but I can’t make him happy.” When we take a glance at his sentence, you are talking about a thought of inadequacy towards yourself. “I can’t make him happy”. When you continue to evaluate yourself only in front of that person and ignore the fact that you can make others happy, your mind starts to tell you “you can’t make anyone happy, you’re inadequate” and of course, none of us can accept this naturally and go on with our lives as we are. We; we have existential needs such as to be happy, to be happy, to be valuable, to be sufficient.

So, is the fact that you can’t make “that” person happy really just because of your inadequacy? Dear reader, please think about other people with whom you have more or less contact in your life before you think you can’t make that person happy. If there is no one else in your life, think of your family, relatives, maybe the birds that land on your window, balcony, or your own pet or street animals that you keep. After thinking about all this, let’s first clarify the issue by saying that you actually have the ability to “make happy”, but that it doesn’t work in “that” person. You know that being clear on the problem will ensure that the solution is directly aimed at the problem.

Now if “I can make others happy but none of it matters; I want to make him happy, I want to make him happy” and he started to think about it on a single person, we can move on to our topic. If what you are reading makes sense to you, you may be experiencing some kind of psychological violence. The name of this violence is “Gaslighting” so that you can research it after reading this article. This word; It can be translated as forcing the person to hallucinate and is read as “geslayting”. It is a form of emotional and cognitive manipulation. “My lover doesn’t even speak English; How can you do that?” If you are saying that, it is useful to know that you do not have to do it consciously, it is a kind of learning and it can be done unconsciously only by continuing what you have learned.

So how does this Gaslighting work? How can all these forms of communication affect you? The basic principle of Gaslighting; It is to affect the self-esteem, self-confidence, and all perceptions of the world and themselves and make them dependent on themselves. You who are exposed to it in this way; You start to think twice about a past and blame yourself, to think that you’re hurting him by belittling his own feelings, to wonder if you’re having an abnormal reaction, and in this way, the person doing the manipulation is making you wrong by reversing the story, distracting and making you feel guilty. When you lose your self-confidence, your power and control over you increases, and in this way, your dependence on him progresses at the same rate. In this way, the probability of ending the relationship is less and less.

Children, who could not receive the love of their parents in a healthy way in their childhood, and who were able to meet this love, attention and meeting their needs every time there was a problem, are inclined to receive this love and attention in the same way in their adult lives. For example; A child who is academically successful in his childhood may be left unattended by his parents because he is already “well”, and when he is ill one day, he may learn the thought that there must be “sick” or similar situations for this need when he encounters intense affection, love and attention. Do not forget that; the child’s desire is not to be an academically successful person; The interest and love shown to the academically successful child ensures that the child continues this success. Because what a child needs is attention and love. Seeing this only in bad situations can be reflected in the relationships that the child establishes in adulthood in a similar way. You try to explain the situation to him, but he does not want to listen; you try to express your own struggles, but act as if your actions never existed; You want to discuss a subject, after a while you see that you are again on the subject he wants. Finally; When he asks you to do something and you do it a little later, it’s as if he didn’t want it at all, but you do it out of nowhere and you are even accused of not listening to him.

All these behaviors are actually bullying. However, mostly childhood experiences and family relationships are at the root of this bullying, so the gaslighting person is not even aware of what he is doing. If you think that you are doing this consciously, it will be the healthiest thing to distance yourself as soon as possible.

Dear reader: if you feel guilty all the time in your relationship, if you are the one who apologizes all the time, if you put yourself aside and see that you always meet his needs, chances are high that you are being subjected to conscious or unconscious Gaslighting. To be able to deal with it; It is quite difficult without distance and without cognitive awareness. Although there are some tactics applied for people who have to deal with such people, these are in the form of instant recovery. In the long run, it will bring you nothing but emotional and physical destruction. Therefore, getting psychological support for the victim, whose self-esteem has been damaged and whose self-confidence and perception of the world has been completely damaged, can be considered as the first step to be taken. Although it seems that the main support should be given to the person who practices Gaslighting, it is useful to remember that this is also a learning and defense mechanism. You can’t tell someone who thinks they don’t have a problem, my dear friend. Just like you can’t wear a sweater to someone who isn’t cold…

I hope all that you’ve read has been helpful to you, and more so, I hope you didn’t even need to read this article. If you have read it and think you are facing such a problem, know that you are not alone and you do not have to struggle with it alone. You can overcome this and share that happiness you dream of with people who deserve you. In my next article, I will talk about “Grey Rock”, one of the “instant rescue” tactics against these manipulators. Stay with love.

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