Interview: Latife TANYERİ
Sadi Shirazi says that wrong style is the executioner of the right word… What would you like to say about the importance of expression and power of expression?
In fact, we choose the communication skills we use ourselves. These choices consist of our personality traits, the environment we live in, family and cultural values. Our ability to express ourselves best emerges with our verbal expression power. The more accurately we use words and express them in a beautiful way, the better we can convey our feelings. Our expressions are the means by which we best convey our feelings. However, when we do not use it correctly, no matter how important the things we tell, the style of expression will not convey the right message to the other person. Telling the right word to the person in front of us in a wrong way will be the executioner of the right word. So the power of expressions is very important. Sometimes we think that we cannot express ourselves adequately in our relationships, in fact, how we express ourselves and what language we use are important here. When we express ourselves using the right style, the feeling of not being understood in our relationships will begin to decrease.
What is your language, what are its features? How can a person realize that you are using the language, what should he pay attention to, can you explain with examples?
Sen language consists of sentences that accuse the other party and cause them to attack. In these sentences, the subject is used as “you” and is expressed in the second person singular. There is an effort to dominate and hurt the other person. When you use your language, the person exhibits an attitude towards the person, not his behavior or emotion. Here, too, the other party becomes defensive and an unhealthy communication begins. Being aware of your language is actually related to being conscious and the style we use. If we are constantly using sentences such as “You are hurting me, You are wrong, Stop crying now, You are always late…” We should not use it in a relationship. If we are not aware that we are using these sentences ourselves, we can get help from the other person. However, if the other person also speaks in the language of you and there are a lot of conflicts in communication and we realize this, we should first look at what our own communication language is and then what communication language the other person responds to us and learn to use the I language.
What is the language of Ben, can you explain with examples?
I language is our best way of expressing ourselves. While expressing ourselves here, “I” is used as the subject and the first person singular is preferred. I language allows to empathize with the other person. Thus, we prefer sentences that allow us to express our true feelings and thoughts instead of using accusatory sentences when establishing a relationship. I language is solution oriented rather than problem oriented. For example, “You did this to me! Instead of saying, “Your behavior made me sad and I felt bad, or You don’t do anything you say, I get upset and disappointed when you don’t do what you say,” clearly reveals the power of expression between the use of the I language and you language. While the judgmental and accusatory discourse in you language harms the relationship, trying to explain the mistake without offending the other person with the style used in the language of I and sharing the felt emotion strengthens the relationship. The other person also feels valuable and starts to understand us.
What lies at the root of I language?
I think the language used on the basis of the language is important. Because the language we use is actually the way we express ourselves. We do not acquire this language from birth, but we begin to learn it when we are children. While you are teaching your language, using expressions such as you did it, you are guilty, you shut up, which were suppressed, blamed as a child, and constantly speaking and empathizing by reflecting our feelings to the other party, allows learning the I language. Here, the importance of the beautiful style used on the basis of the ego language is clearly seen. So, as we talked about at the beginning, the power of expressions has a very important place. In order for us to express ourselves correctly, we need to have this awareness and choose the way of positive communication.
What does using the I language add to the person? Can we say that this also allows one to be aware of one’s own emotions and to be aware of the management of their emotions?
We can say. Because using the I language gives the person the power to express their feelings freely. It allows for mutual conversation and communication. It also helps people to see their own mistakes as it makes them think. It makes me question what I think, what I feel and how I can express this to the person in front of me. Thus, the person can be aware of his own emotions and manage his emotions. While the most important problem in relationships arises from lack of communication, the communication established by establishing mutual empathy in I language defines the other person without blaming or judging. In order for us to gain awareness about the management of our emotions, we need to increase our use of I language. For this, we also reduce negative communication by constantly practicing and incorporating it into our lives.
Is it possible to make the other person feel guilty even though the I language is used? Are there any points where the I language does not work as content?
Of course it can feel. One of the biggest problems in a relationship is that we express our feelings wrongly to the other person. However, besides this wrong way of expression, it is also important how the other person makes sense of what we want to say. “I don’t understand why you’re acting like this, but this behavior hurts me.” While saying “I am” allows the person who uses his language to express his feelings clearly, from the point of view of the other party, this situation may come back to us with the opposite thought that I am always guilty, my behavior is always bad for you. In this case, it is clearly seen that the I language does not work. However, this situation may be related to how the person trying to communicate understands the problems, his own personality traits and how he evaluates it. In fact, this is a situation that includes a little more personality traits. Apart from that, the person who uses the I language has a harsh temperament, the way of addressing and the tone of voice can cause a feeling of guilt and create a hurtful attitude. At this point, the effect of ego language cannot be seen too much. However, when using the I language, we need to express ourselves not only according to the language used, but also according to the style and the characteristics of the person in front of us.
What is the criticism of the other person based on their personality traits? What path should be followed?
If we make a criticism by directly addressing the personality traits while communicating with the other person, this can offend the other party or make him respond to us with a harsh reaction. However, if we know how to use the language of communication well and the characteristic features of the other person bother us and we want to express this situation correctly, it is not appropriate to use a criticizing and accusing language. While we were talking about the language of you and me, we explained the importance of the language used, but we clearly see that one of the most important points apart from the language used here is our style. Based on the personality traits of the person in front of us, we prefer the language of “I” in our communication with him, but if we express this in a nice way, the person in front of us will try to make sense of this situation without blaming or criticizing himself. We must first be aware of our own feelings and thoughts, then try to understand the other party and try to communicate with the right style, taking into account the feelings and thoughts that the other party feels. Expressing ourselves incorrectly causes both us and the other party to break and increase the problems. But the language and style we use strengthens communication and gives a positive perspective.