How We Feel and Live in Relationships: Attachment Models Theory

Relationships can of course be the part of our life that we think about the most. Our relationship with parents, marriage or girlfriend/boyfriend relationships, our relationships with our children, friendship, the boss, etc.. Our life is naturally knitted with a network of relationships.. For this reason, when examining relationships, I think we need to understand “Attachment Models” while trying to understand our own relationship.

The quality of the relationship we establish with the person who cares for us in our early childhood, our feelings in our later periods, our thoughts and behaviors about ourselves and our environment, and the structure of the relationships we establish with other people. Our perception of “others” is shaped by the response of the caregiver (usually the mother, in the absence of the mother) to our needs. If the caregiver provided us with the necessary support when we needed it, behaved positively, and protected us from dangers such as illness or fear, we will develop the perception that “others” are reliable and that we will receive support when we need it.

In cases where this is the opposite, if our caregiver is insensitive to our needs, does not respond to our needs or reacts negatively, the person sees and believes the “other person to be attached to” as rejecting and negative, and himself as unloved, unworthy of being loved and valued. From childhood to adolescence, these beliefs are constantly reinforced.

In adulthood, we continue the attachment pattern we acquired in childhood. In other words, our attachment model shaped by our caregiver in childhood is also reflected in our relationship with the spouse we need attachment when we become adults. A person who develops a secure attachment to his/her caregiver in childhood takes advantage of this when he/she becomes an adult; she trusts herself, trusts her husband, believes that her husband will support her and always love her when she has a problem. And the relationship in this model is always nurtured and continues with health.

Children who develop an insecure attachment model, on the other hand, reflect this on their relationship with the disadvantage of this model, as a result of their basic beliefs that they are insecure, unworthy and unlovable. He cannot fully trust his wife, has trouble sharing his feelings, his behavior is not consistent, he makes mistakes while showing his love and support, and the relationship he has cannot be nourished, problems occur.

There are 4 different attachment styles. These are secure attachment, obsessive attachment, dismissive attachment, and fearful attachment. We will examine these topics one by one in the coming days.

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