1. What are the effects of arguing in front of the child on the child?
The impact of the argument on the child is related to how and how often it happens. If the discussions are not very frequent and a solution is produced at the end of the discussion, this does not cause harm, on the contrary, it brings benefits. Even if the parents love each other, they give the message that they can have disagreements and that their relationship will be positively affected and strengthened if this is resolved. Nothing reassures a child more than the strong relationship between his parents. And nothing makes a child feel loved more than seeing their parents happy. Likewise, studies show that children who grow up in a peaceful, warm family are more affectionate and empathetic. If parents always hide their arguments from their children, children may have unrealistic expectations in their relationships as they grow up.
2. What should parents do and not do during the discussion? What should be considered so that the psychology of the child is not adversely affected?
During the discussion, if the couples do not make destructive criticisms, do not insult each other, listen to each other, and finally manage to reconcile without resorting to violence, the child will not be adversely affected by this situation. But violent, destructive arguments with doors slamming and angry shouting damage a child’s confidence.
Why do my parents hate each other so much, is it my fault? The child may think…
3. Do arguments and fights between parents have a different effect on the child at every age, or is this negative effect the same no matter how old the child is?
The effect of arguments between parents on the child is undoubtedly negative at any age. No matter how good the parents are with the child, when they are not good with each other, when they give the message ‘I am unhappy with your father/mother’, a part of the child is always offended by them… Every person, no matter what their age, wants to see their parents together and happy.
During adolescence, the constant witnessing of parents’ arguments, the restless home environment can push the teenager into turmoil, internal conflict or crime. The parent model has an important role in the formation of the personality structure of the adolescent. The person, who is affected by the tense environment and cannot get rid of it for years, may still not be able to establish a healthy social relationship even when he reaches middle age.
The child who witnesses the violence of his parents during the argument tends to be either the perpetrator or the victim of violence in the future.
Domestic violence associated with alcoholism is much more dangerous.
4. How do these discussions affect the social life of the child?
The child, who is affected by the tense family environment at home, may act aggressively to his friends at school, isolate himself from them, and be alone.
For example, a couple with a 7-year-old girl said, ‘Our daughter does not play with her friends, she always wants to spend time in her room? She decides to seek help with her complaint… The little girl waits for her father to come from work until the evening, plays alone at home without leaving her room, refuses to study. In the interview, the mother behaves aggressively, shouts constantly at home, fights with her husband, often insults her husband and It is learned that their little daughters witnessed these. In the private meeting with the girl, an affirmation is made by explaining that the mother does not have any bad intentions, that she wants to continue her marriage with the father, that she loves him, and that besides these tense moments, there are actually peaceful moments together. Parents are also advised not to have discussions in front of the child. With the creation of a peaceful environment, an increase in school success and an improvement in friend relations are observed.
Sometimes, talking about family problems to friends may cause a child to feel guilty, some children may deny the arguments because they feel responsible to their parents, and act as if nothing has happened.
5. After the discussion, how should parents talk to the child and explain the situation to him?
After the discussion, parents should give the message that they are happy while talking to their children, without criticizing or blaming each other. For example, if one of the spouses behaves angry with the other, this child says, ‘Actually, your mother/father did not want to upset me, he is a well-intentioned person, I know this, but this behavior upset me, I felt bad.’ It should be explained as At the end of the discussion, couples should always hug each other and say that they love each other even though they are arguing.
In addition, couples should say words about how much they love each other and continue to love each other.
Behavior that makes a child believe. It is very important that words be consistent with actions. The message that the child receives from the speeches of his parents and the message he receives from the movement and tone of voice should not be contradictory.