Getting Rid of Relationship Addictions

Everything starts with the relationship that a person establishes with himself. All the relationships you build are a clear reflection of the relationship you’ve built with yourself. In almost all of the relationships you have with other people, the person has a desire to repair himself. You make up for your lack of self-confidence through others. You become addicted to their role in your life, in fact, basically this is very close to what I said about external control. You get your life force from your relationships. It’s true that relationships have a power and trusting side, but they also keep your life in check and prevent you from becoming independent and listening to your inner voice. If relationships have become your needs, it means that you are as addicted to this relationship as your addiction to cigarettes. You seek to love and be loved in all your relationships, whereas true love requires being truly independent. It includes accepting the other person as they are, spending time with them, liking to share something, but not needing their presence. Needing the existence of a person makes you dependent on that person, when that person leaves your life, leaves you, moves to another country, or dies, your life completely loses its functionality. Just like an addict, your functionality will be paralyzed in all areas of your life. For this reason, you unconsciously apply various relationship strategies and strategies that will become dependent on you over time. This wheel works exactly the same in all the relationships you establish. Over-attachment to relationships often stems from anxiety about not having your needs met. Being too attached to a person or a situation weakens your spirit. For a while, you come to the point of losing your own true feelings and views.

Both you and they become dependent on you in these complex intertwined emotions. Shows of anger and love in such relationships are dramatic. Rather than being result-oriented, fights are a means of hurting the other person, making them feel guilty, and controlling the other party by intimidating them. Excessive worry, curiosity and protectiveness are also considered a sign of love. You should always behave as expected in such relationships, for example, if your family expects to be visited every holiday, if you do not do this, you may feel guilty and even be exposed to verbal and nonverbal psychological abuse from your family. When you fail to meet expectations, these feelings automatically grow in your mind and in your heart and grow like a disease that is insidiously gnawing at you. In fact, it sometimes grows so much over the years that it can become the cause of a biological disease, which I have explained in the previous chapters. While you were growing up, your parents often used guilt to keep you in check and control. Now, as an adult, you may have activated this system of feelings in order to control the other person and keep them under your control. In your bilateral relations, whether your children are with your spouse or your family and friends, an order of domination and submission has developed. For example, although it started with love and loving feelings in marriage relations, one side, whether male or female, is the rule-maker, supervisor, while the other side usually remains on the submissive side. If you start to blame yourself for the happiness and unhappiness of the other person over time, mutual accusatory attitudes will reinforce this situation, and the process turns into an unhealthy relationship complex in which you blame yourself and get angry with the other person. The neurotic forms of communication in your relationships afterward will be familiar to most of you. You may be caught in these emotional traps, not only in marriage and spouse relationships, but also in your relationships with your children, parents, and sometimes even your friends. The most commonly used emotional traps in this network of relationships are the use of guilt for control purposes, once you get caught in this trap, it will come back like a rip of a sock. Guilt is a very powerful emotion and it enslaves you to the other person. Even if they are your parents, you should not let this feeling take over you. The most common way of using it is to cry in the face of simple events, to leave the other person, to leave, to threaten with divorce. Frowning is caprice, accusing you of not understanding them and being selfish. Once you buy all these accusations, the other party’s strategy becomes functional. Stronger strategies are needed, since the malfunctioning system will eventually fail, more powerful strategies are needed. trying to keep it under. Usually the sickness conspiracy works and you will be controlled that way. Many parents successfully lead their children, even their now-adult ones, on this path.

All of these scenarios have had parts that are familiar to all of you. However, you should know that not only those who practice these behaviors, but also those who are exposed to the behavior have a share. Usually, you teach the other person to treat you this way. It takes your reactions and your emotional responses and adds it as a new key in the toolbox for use in the next event. If you know and understand these scenarios well, these tools will not work in your relationships. When you try to fix your addictive neurotic relationships, you take a step towards living your own desires and interests, which is your right.

If you want to understand that you are in a neurotic dependent relationship, immediately make a check-list and evaluate your relationships, while doing this, try to start from your own feelings without falling into the trap of blaming the other party. For example; If you expect your children to behave in a certain way from your spouse, if you constantly blame the people you are in a relationship with and feel guilty, if you talk in a certain way in front of a person just because you are afraid, if you feel anger and resentment when you are not approved, if you have difficulty in making decisions, if you hold yourself responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of others, unfortunately, the relationships you establish neurotic and unhealthy. It sabotages your capacity to think freely and to live. Like a toxic substance that poisons your soul, it both bothers you and you cannot stop using that substance. Cleanse your soul, mind and heart from this toxic substance. I’m not telling you to leave all your relationships and run away, but at least you can develop a new relationship model by being more aware and putting more of yourself. First of all, you should know that this is a choice. I know many people who are self-aware and stay in the same neurotic relationship, and this is a conscious choice because this spiral of relationships is secure. Marriage is a safe haven, for example, conflicting with your parents, having tense arguments with them may be a situation you do not want to live in right now. You don’t get into hard work like changing yourself and you don’t take any risks. The approval of others to your satisfaction strokes your ego and satisfies you. In fact, other people have taken most of the responsibility for life on your behalf, and you may not want to leave the comfort zone.

A healthy relationship is built with a true bond of love. It is an honest, creative and exciting relationship model where both parties can make independent decisions, use their own potential, respect each other’s preferences and wishes. You can also have a relationship network that develops you, which gives you more satisfaction and happiness by approaching and restructuring your relationships with a different perspective. However, the process of untying the knots you have already tied can be a bit of a pain. You may not want to continue some relationships and some people may not want to see you anymore or they may have limited contact, remember that you don’t have to be approved by everyone. Expecting everyone to love and approve of you is nothing but an egotistical fallacy. As you progress on this path, sometimes naturally old relationships may not keep up with you, they may blame you, they may put obstacles in front of you. Your principle is just to continue and to enjoy the moments you experience while developing.

A person’s development and growth is entirely within himself, everything starts with you and ends with you. How you experience this in your own story depends entirely on your preferences. It is important that you can make these choices with your own will, but more importantly, it is the people you influence with your change and transformation. Whether these are your children, your friends, your spouse or your families, do not forget that the transformation that begins in you will miraculously affect those around you. People who truly love you and want to be by your side will grow up with you and join this adventure, or they will walk away from you halfway. This adventure that you started with your free will will trigger a series of choices that affect your whole life and the lives around you, creating a synergy and bringing harmony and balance to your relationships.

You are aware of all this, but you do not want to lose your relationship, so let’s talk a little about redesigning your relationships. The first step to solving a problem is always understanding it. When you begin to understand the dependent relationship I mentioned above, you will realize where you put yourself in this relationship. The first important sign that you are in this type of relationship is realizing that you are building your own self-worth based on someone else’s approval. Your purpose in life is to meet the needs of those people, making sacrifices for them enters a vicious circle. You put all your time and energy here, and your whole life is trapped between these people’s lips. Relationships become unhealthy to the extent that they limit one’s own autonomy and competence. Although it is very human and understandable to develop an expectation for a relationship, the disappointments caused by these expectations can also be painful and painful for the human spirit. You may have shaped your emotional investments according to your expectations or the expectations of others. When you see the emotional-behavioral parts that we put ourselves and the other party puts, all the knots in the relationship begin to become clear.

As all relationships deepen and your experiences with that person multiply, they can become even more intertwined and dependent relationships. Some studies show that the first relationship model established with parents is reflected in all relationships established in adult life. In particular, I think that children who are neglected by their parents and abused consciously or unconsciously are more likely to form dependent relationships. In marriage counseling, making couples understand the relationships they usually have with their own parents and showing the entanglement there is also reflected in the person’s current relationships. Such people often learn in their childhood to ignore their own needs in order to please their parents and gain their approval. In the early childhood, a behavior model is developed in order to receive love and care from a difficult person. This model, which has been internalized over time, will continue by transforming in all the relationships established by the child. This pattern of relationships will be maintained over and over again with teachers, friends, lovers, spouses, children, and aging parents again.

In all these tangled complex and now ossified relationships, the person unwittingly continues his life by adopting the feelings and thoughts of others, most of which belong to him, as his own. How is it possible to realize that you are in a dependent relationship when there are all these behavioral patterns that have been so internalized and ossified by your self? Recognizing some routinized situations in your relationship will give you a clue about addiction. For example, feeling satisfied only in the situations and places where that person is, being aware of the unhealthy situations in your relationship (lack of sex, one person taking full responsibility of the relationship, always talking and discussing the problems of one side) but still being together, being more than necessary at the expense of psychological, physical, economic difficulties. It may be to support more partners. The key point here is that even though you feel satisfied, you are still aware that something is wrong and you continue the relationship despite this.

Sometimes, even if the person is very aware of the dependency situation in the relationship, even if he wants to be a little more independent from time to time, he continues to comply with the wishes of his partners in order to avoid the emotional and economic conflict that the separation will cause and not to waste time and energy on social pressure and status change. However, even if you consciously dedicate your needs and identity to such a relationship, it is certain that the relationship will be even more unhealthy in the long run, even if you maintain your peace and comfort in the short term. When you’re in a addicted relationship, it can cause dysfunction in the lives of others as well as yourself. You may unintentionally prevent them from learning their own life lessons.

Ending dependent relationships is not the best and only solution. I think some of these relationships are truly repairable. The important thing here is to set your boundaries and to be happy as an individual independently of people and things.

Spending time with others, taking care of your own hobbies, or finding interests, maybe putting some distance apart for a while can help people rediscover themselves and help them re-establish a healthy bond with each other. Maintaining an unhealthy and dependent relationship will only make things worse. It usually pays off to give yourself and your relationship time to explore being yourself again. Sometimes people don’t agree to walk away from that partner because they feel like they’re helping their addicted partner, ask yourself if continuing to really help this person is working, are you preventing them from getting stronger from experiencing life? Could you be inhibiting his ability to help himself by making things easier for him? Do you feed the negative situations in your relationship?

Remember that the relationship you establish with yourself is the most basic form of relationship. We often lose contact with ourselves at some point in life. Just like when a satellite receiver loses its frequency, my elder sister once said that if I felt as if I had experienced what I went through in the past, I wouldn’t be able to establish the relationship I have with my family now. In fact, he was telling that he was disconnected from somewhere, with the little girl inside of him, his real identity, without realizing it. Although we are talking about the negative life experiences experienced by everyone in trauma support in psychology. Negative experiences in the early stages of life, which do not even need to be negative, are related to how the person interprets that event, but I will say negative experience, it leads to a split in the self, this split is necessary for the person to continue his existence. The other traumatic part is stuck at the age and time of the split and cuts off contact with the other survival part. It persists in your subconscious like a closed box, until there is an experience that disturbs it, then that box opens and disturbing experiences come to the surface. The more negative experiences a person has, the more splits there is in the self. The greater the division, the greater the disconnection with oneself. I know that communicating with our injured parties is a tiring and distressing thing. You may think that many years of painful experiences require therapy sessions with lots of tears. In my opinion, everyone knows these private secrets hidden in the deepest corners of their minds and can reach them and heal them if they want. For now, our topic is just a little bit of increasing your awareness of yourself and reconnecting with your inner part of self. While doing this, you can be surprised to meet your inner person again, and you can enjoy it immensely. Every step you take to regain the sense of independence naturally brings you closer to the private box inside you. When you start to reach yourself and actually start to hear your inner voice, you can experience tremendous relief by discovering that the feelings and thoughts you have are not your own. Your sense of self starts to get stronger, you take responsibility for your happiness, and you approach life with more realistic and positive feelings. As you begin to break the veil of addiction, more joy and vitality will enter your life. Maybe as a result, you may have to say goodbye to your old relationships, but instead, be sure that healthier relationships will attract positive experiences.

Communication between people is multidimensional, complex and dynamic. Communication continues unceasingly beyond consciousness. Probably invisible communication is defined as electricity because it is felt by many people but cannot be fully defined. In my opinion, this is a very correct definition, like an electric current, a light bulb turns on in your head once you reach it from across the street. Saying that you can’t get electricity from a person is purely nonverbal communication messages that reach you from that person. Most likely, these messages you receive determine your first judgment about that person and they are correct. As it is known, the words used affect a small part of the communication established in bilateral relations, your facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and even your dressing have a message meaning for the person in front of you. So what happens if we become aware of all this and use all this nonverbal communication power consciously? Yes, if you take the power of communication in your palms, you can most likely turn into a borderless relationship acrobat. Now, I realize that many of you are looking forward to this information for relationships that go wrong, but rest assured, although this information may seem familiar and easy to apply, its power is incredible and can even be used as a manipulation tool in bad hands.

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