Equivalence in relationships

• The “Keanu-ing” relationship trend, named after actor Keanu Reeves, was unexpected; It means having a relationship with someone you don’t like.

We know Keanu Reeves not only with his great acting, but also with his modest lifestyle, which is photographed in public transport, without breaking away from the public, and his life story with sad details. Comments on his relationship with Alexandra Grant, with whom he has been in a relationship for some time, are varied. A group cannot match Grant’s unaesthetic appearance, his graying hair, and his simplicity with one of the world’s most famous and handsome actors, Keanu Reeves.

While Keanu Reeves and Jennifer Syme were expected to have a baby in 1999, after Syme had a miscarriage and passed away in a car accident 2 years later, Reeves’s expression, which was reflected in the cameras while carrying Syme’s coffin, remained in mind for a long time.

Reeves, who was abandoned by his father at the age of 3, enrolled in 4 different schools, struggled with dyslexia, had to finish his education life without getting a diploma, and lost his best friend at the age of 23 from a high dose of drugs, Reeves had serious relationships and serious relationships after the loss of Jennifer Syme and their babies. She had painted a portrait that was far from having children.

For this reason, another group is happy for Keanu Reeves, who was affected by the death of Jennifer Syme, whom he was with in 2001, and was able to start a serious relationship after many years.

Grant and Reeves have known each other for at least 8 years, as in previous years Grant had illustrated the books ‘Ode To Happiness’ and ‘Shadows’ and Reeves wrote poems for these publications.

In their poses, they are generally happy. When we consider that a rare character like Keanu Reeves, who is sensitive enough to write poetry, draws attention with his benevolence and gentlemanly, donates 70% of his salary from Matrix films to leukemia foundations because his sister has leukemia, has always kept his love life in the background in his 35-year career. , it seems normal for this relationship to attract attention.

• “Keanu-ing” takes its name from Keanu Reeves for being with Alexandra Grant, who looks older than her. In this respect, it is possible to say that there is a very sexist relationship trend… *What we call ‘surprising pairing’; “I didn’t like them at all, he’s a real Keanu!” This trend, which we can also use in a sentence, plays an even more valid role in a society like ours, which has stereotypes and taboos. In your opinion, how accurate is the behavior of ascribing people in a relationship based on characteristics such as social status, appearance or age, or not at all?

In love relationships, preferences can spread over a wide range. In order for people to consider having a relationship, the emotional or personal characteristics of the other person are among the important considerations. In addition, of course, physical or status details are also taken into account. Unless there is an extreme gap between 2 people in terms of social status, age, etc., the first point to be looked at is whether this relationship is really based on an emotional connection or a relationship of interest. (Like a rich and advanced old man, a young and beautiful woman) . Because this would be to set a bad example for humanity in the context of the altruistic virtue that every human being should have by considering future generations.

The negative thought pattern accumulated about the person in a relationship, due to the negative discourses of the environment or the personal ideas he hides from himself, can be reflected in the relationship in ways such as humiliation, decreased tolerance, sarcastic mockery.

Over time, criticism from the environment will affect the size of the relationship as well. If the attitude of criticism, which is reflected from the other side by being influenced by the environment or the environment in the relationship, starts to become an ongoing comparison with the partner in terms of status, physique, etc., which devalues ​​the person, the person being criticized may feel the need to be included in other environments where he is appreciated.

*How do you, as an expert, evaluate people who hide their relationship and lover just because they will receive criticism from their social circle? Do you think this is a just behavior or a problem to be overcome?

The individual who hides his relationship from his environment because he receives criticism is not ready to claim this relationship within himself first. This choice will bring insecurity and restlessness in the relationship. As in the saying, “The head pillow is not equal to itself”, which refers to the imbalance between couples, if there is a discord between couples when evaluated objectively, time will reveal it anyway.

Here, since the values ​​that people have, primarily beliefs and principles, have been transferred to us as a society many years ago, they also affect our reactions to every event around us. In the same way, the person who hides his relationship from his environment may cause the person in front of him to feel as if he is a prisoner and does not belong to the relationship.

Because the need to belong manifests itself in the person as a tendency to be loved, cooperate with the environment, and share, conflicts will arise because the person who is excluded by the environment of the individual with whom he has a relationship cannot be met and this need is blocked.

On the other hand, since people want to have the freedom to make changes in their lives by their own will, the individual may not want to obey the rules of the society to which he/she feels he/she belongs from time to time. However, it should be kept in mind that mental and interpersonal conflicts will increase in case of non-compliance with the rules, and while meeting the need for free decision-making, they should not forget to take into account the feelings and thoughts of others.

*Because his lover’s status, financial situation, and features different from him are thought to be unsuitable for him; How should a person who is criticized by his social environment behave? Should she also talk about this with her partner?

The intentions of my critics here are important. If the comments are made for the benefit of the person, to evaluate different perspectives in the long term, and if they do not contain bad intentions, it will be useful to evaluate.

In this process, if the couple’s thoughts about their relationship are predominantly positive, this positive attitude will support them to have a more optimistic perspective on their relationship and to have relatively positive expectations about the future. However, on the contrary, if they have negative ideas about their relationships, even small problems will be magnified, the tendency to misunderstand situations will increase, and the communication will begin to be evaluated negatively.

If the person whose relationship is criticized by his social environment for not being suitable for him, if he cannot adopt this relationship strongly and defend it to his surroundings, the person with whom he is in a relationship will also think that his own worries and sadness are not taken seriously and that his spouse does not take the responsibility to protect the relationship.

The person who seems inadequate may, over time, withdraw from the relationship with his partner, close himself off, and simply stop responding to his partner. She may cut off eye contact and act as if she doesn’t care about what her partner says.

*Well, the person who is criticized by others as ‘the person who does not suit him’ and gets psychologically injured; How can he deal with this situation on his own?

If the person trusts his decision first and believes that he has this commitment in terms of emotional and personal harmony, not as a relationship of interest, he should stand behind it, but it is important to try to make an objective evaluation through both an emotional and logical filter in order to gain this trust.

People have the right to criticize situations and conditions respectfully and to the extent permitted by the other party (we prefer that they aim to improve in a positive way). However, when these criticisms exceed the limits and the framework of respect, the other party will feel as if he is a victim, as if he is being treated as unworthy and attacked, and will go on the defensive with feelings of rejection and hurt. Over time, the feeling of not being understood will be added to the weariness of being constantly on the defensive.

While it’s a natural response to want to defend ourselves when under attack, it usually won’t have an immediate effect. For this reason, thinking that irritability will prevent us from evaluating the situation objectively, staying calm at that moment will prevent the conflict from exacerbating and will ensure that communication is not further damaged.

When people start a relationship by physically liking each other, it is entirely their own choice, but conflicts may arise after a while if the beliefs, education, culture, worldview, priorities and lifestyles of the individuals are not compatible.

Because people tend to spend time with people who are close to their own value and life system, usually internally, in order to stay away from conflict. Resolving conflicts does not mean that the parties change their own values. Generally, mutual acceptance that individuals evaluate the situation from different perspectives is the first step in reaching a solution.

However, it should not be forgotten that the more common values ​​people have in a relationship, the higher their level of happiness. If the parties learn not to reject each other because of differences in their belief systems, it will be easier for them to solve the problems.

*Not just by word of mouth or in a friendly environment; We also make bullying comments on social media, especially about the relationship of celebrities. What can you say about ‘enjoyment’ from this lynching and gossip we made over whether people suit each other or not?

The development of human language coincides with the emergence of the concept of gossip. The individual thinks that he/she can create a safe environment for himself/herself as soon as he/she thinks that he/she has proven his/her right by gossiping, connecting with his/her environment, isolating himself from other groups.

The concept of gossip, which aims to judge people’s behaviors and to distinguish between good-bad, right-wrong ways by judging people’s behaviors, can also include the purpose of punishing people by increasing the reaction to be given, for example, if it is on an issue that is thought to be immoral. In addition, if the person has problems in his own world, cannot engage in adequate life activities, and cannot provide life satisfaction, it may cause behaviors such as being interested in his environment and not being able to refrain from making evaluations in a negative manner.

It is important to make controlled evaluations, always considering the possibility that cross-border comments made for purposes other than development and goodwill may injure the other party.

In fact, it should also be taken into account that looking at such situations at the level of conceptual conflict, the knowledge that individuals have in their minds and the curiosity that arises as a result of learning new situations that do not fit this knowledge will lead the individual to develop and experience new experiences with more information. As in every subject, intention and style appear as two important concepts here.

In order to solve conflicts in a functional way, it will be useful to know and analyze the source of the conflict.

Since everyone has different events and different ways of perceiving in life, everyone can criticize any subject. The important point here is that the parties should be able to direct their communications and statements in a respectful manner without violating each other’s borders.

In terms of relationship, joint analysis of the questions that may arise, definition of the underlying reasons for the criticisms, realization of the solutions to be decided, when functional strategies are used, can become constructive for people and contribute to their development, and increase the functionality of life.

It should not be forgotten that, in addition to supporting the relationship, parallel statuses are the cornerstones of the relationship, such as soul harmony, inner closeness, respect, disinterested love, similarity of tolerance levels, and focusing on the same life goals.

• The “Keanu-ing” relationship trend, named after actor Keanu Reeves, was unexpected; It means having a relationship with someone you don’t like.

We know Keanu Reeves not only with his great acting, but also with his modest lifestyle, which is photographed in public transport, without breaking away from the public, and his life story with sad details. Comments on his relationship with Alexandra Grant, with whom he has been in a relationship for some time, are varied. A group cannot match Grant’s unaesthetic appearance, his graying hair, and his simplicity with one of the world’s most famous and handsome actors, Keanu Reeves.

While Keanu Reeves and Jennifer Syme were expected to have a baby in 1999, after Syme had a miscarriage and passed away in a car accident 2 years later, Reeves’s expression, which was reflected in the cameras while carrying Syme’s coffin, remained in mind for a long time.

Reeves, who was abandoned by his father at the age of 3, enrolled in 4 different schools, struggled with dyslexia, had to finish his education life without getting a diploma, and lost his best friend at the age of 23 from a high dose of drugs, Reeves had serious relationships and serious relationships after the loss of Jennifer Syme and their babies. She had painted a portrait that was far from having children.

For this reason, another group is happy for Keanu Reeves, who was affected by the death of Jennifer Syme, whom he was with in 2001, and was able to start a serious relationship after many years.

Grant and Reeves have known each other for at least 8 years, as in previous years Grant had illustrated the books ‘Ode To Happiness’ and ‘Shadows’ and Reeves wrote poems for these publications.

In their poses, they are generally happy. When we consider that a rare character like Keanu Reeves, who is sensitive enough to write poetry, draws attention with his benevolence and gentlemanly, donates 70% of his salary from Matrix films to leukemia foundations because his sister has leukemia, has always kept his love life in the background in his 35-year career. , it seems normal for this relationship to attract attention.

• “Keanu-ing” takes its name from Keanu Reeves for being with Alexandra Grant, who looks older than her. In this respect, it is possible to say that there is a very sexist relationship trend… *What we call ‘surprising pairing’; “I didn’t like them at all, he’s a real Keanu!” This trend, which we can also use in a sentence, plays an even more valid role in a society like ours, which has stereotypes and taboos. In your opinion, how accurate is the behavior of ascribing people in a relationship based on characteristics such as social status, appearance or age, or not at all?

In love relationships, preferences can spread over a wide range. In order for people to consider having a relationship, the emotional or personal characteristics of the other person are among the important considerations. In addition, of course, physical or status details are also taken into account. Unless there is an extreme gap between 2 people in terms of social status, age, etc., the first point to be looked at is whether this relationship is really based on an emotional connection or a relationship of interest. (Like a rich and advanced old man, a young and beautiful woman) . Because this would be to set a bad example for humanity in the context of the altruistic virtue that every human being should have by considering future generations.

The negative thought pattern accumulated about the person in a relationship, due to the negative discourses of the environment or the personal ideas he hides from himself, can be reflected in the relationship in ways such as humiliation, decreased tolerance, sarcastic mockery.

Over time, criticism from the environment will affect the size of the relationship as well. If the attitude of criticism, which is reflected from the other side by being influenced by the environment or the environment in the relationship, starts to become an ongoing comparison with the partner in terms of status, physique, etc., which devalues ​​the person, the person being criticized may feel the need to be included in other environments where he is appreciated.

*How do you, as an expert, evaluate people who hide their relationship and lover just because they will receive criticism from their social circle? Do you think this is a just behavior or a problem to be overcome?

The individual who hides his relationship from his environment because he receives criticism is not ready to claim this relationship within himself first. This choice will bring insecurity and restlessness in the relationship. As in the saying, “The head pillow is not equal to itself”, which refers to the imbalance between couples, if there is a discord between couples when evaluated objectively, time will reveal it anyway.

Here, since the values ​​that people have, primarily beliefs and principles, have been transferred to us as a society many years ago, they also affect our reactions to every event around us. In the same way, the person who hides his relationship from his environment may cause the person in front of him to feel as if he is a prisoner and does not belong to the relationship.

Because the need to belong manifests itself in the person as a tendency to be loved, cooperate with the environment, and share, conflicts will arise because the person who is excluded by the environment of the individual with whom he has a relationship cannot be met and this need is blocked.

On the other hand, since people want to have the freedom to make changes in their lives by their own will, the individual may not want to obey the rules of the society to which he/she feels he/she belongs from time to time. However, it should be kept in mind that mental and interpersonal conflicts will increase in case of non-compliance with the rules, and while meeting the need for free decision-making, they should not forget to take into account the feelings and thoughts of others.

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Source: Conflict Chart (Schrumpf, Crawford, & Bodine, 2007, p. 162)

Schrumpf, F., Crawford, KD, & Bodin, JR (2007). School Conflict Resolution and Peer Mediation Program Guide. Whitefish GF, Adapted. Akbalık GF, Karaduman DB, Translators. Ankara: Imge Bookstore Publications.

*Because his lover’s status, financial situation, and features different from him are thought to be unsuitable for him; How should a person who is criticized by his social environment behave? Should she also talk about this with her partner?

The intentions of my critics here are important. If the comments are made for the benefit of the person, to evaluate different perspectives in the long term, and if they do not contain bad intentions, it will be useful to evaluate.

In this process, if the couple’s thoughts about their relationship are predominantly positive, this positive attitude will support them to have a more optimistic perspective on their relationship and to have relatively positive expectations about the future. However, on the contrary, if they have negative ideas about their relationships, even small problems will be magnified, the tendency to misunderstand situations will increase, and the communication will begin to be evaluated negatively.

If the person whose relationship is criticized by his social environment for not being suitable for him, if he cannot adopt this relationship strongly and defend it to his surroundings, the person with whom he is in a relationship will also think that his own worries and sadness are not taken seriously and that his spouse does not take the responsibility to protect the relationship.

The person who seems inadequate may, over time, withdraw from the relationship with his partner, close himself off, and simply stop responding to his partner. She may cut off eye contact and act as if she doesn’t care about what her partner says.

*Well, the person who is criticized by others as ‘the person who does not suit him’ and gets psychologically injured; How can he deal with this situation on his own?

If the person trusts his decision first and believes that he has this commitment in terms of emotional and personal harmony, not as a relationship of interest, he should stand behind it, but it is important to try to make an objective evaluation through both an emotional and logical filter in order to gain this trust.

Individuals have the right to criticize situations and conditions respectfully and to the extent permitted by the other party (we prefer that they aim to improve in a positive way). However, when these criticisms exceed the limits and the framework of respect, the other party will feel as if he is a victim, as if he is being treated as unworthy and attacked, and will go on the defensive with feelings of rejection and hurt. Over time, the feeling of not being understood will be added to the weariness of being constantly on the defensive.

While it’s a natural response to want to defend ourselves when under attack, it usually won’t have an immediate effect. For this reason, thinking that irritability will prevent us from evaluating the situation objectively, staying calm at that moment will prevent the conflict from exacerbating and will ensure that communication is not further damaged.

When people start a relationship by physically liking each other, it is entirely their own choice, but conflicts may arise after a while if the beliefs, education, culture, worldview, priorities and lifestyles of the individuals are not compatible.

Because people tend to spend time with people who are close to their own value and life system, usually internally, in order to stay away from conflict. Resolving conflicts does not mean that the parties change their own values. Generally, mutual acceptance that individuals evaluate the situation from different perspectives is the first step in reaching a solution.

However, it should not be forgotten that the more common values ​​people have in a relationship, the higher their level of happiness. If the parties learn not to reject each other because of differences in their belief systems, it will be easier for them to solve the problems.

*Not just by word of mouth or in a friend environment; We also make bullying comments on social media, especially about the relationship of celebrities. What can you say about ‘enjoyment’ from this lynching and gossip we made over whether people suit each other or not?

The development of human language coincides with the emergence of the concept of gossip. The individual thinks that he/she can create a safe environment for himself/herself as soon as he/she thinks that he/she has proven his/her right by gossiping, connecting with his/her environment, isolating himself from other groups.

The concept of gossip, which aims to judge people’s behaviors and to distinguish between good-bad, right-wrong ways by judging people’s behaviors, can also include the purpose of punishing people by increasing the reaction to be given, for example, if it is on an issue that is thought to be immoral. In addition, if the person has problems in his own world, cannot engage in adequate life activities, and cannot provide life satisfaction, it may cause behaviors such as being interested in his environment and not being able to refrain from making evaluations in a negative manner.

It is important to make controlled evaluations, always considering the possibility that cross-border comments made for purposes other than development and goodwill may injure the other party.

In fact, it should also be taken into account that looking at such situations at the level of conceptual conflict, the knowledge that individuals have in their minds and the curiosity that arises as a result of learning new situations that do not fit this knowledge will lead the individual to develop and experience new experiences with more information. As in every subject, intention and style appear as two important concepts here.

In order to solve conflicts in a functional way, it will be useful to know and analyze the source of the conflict.

Since everyone has different events and different ways of perceiving in life, everyone can criticize any subject. The important point here is that the parties should be able to direct their communications and statements in a respectful manner without violating each other’s borders.

In terms of relationship, joint analysis of the questions that may arise, definition of the underlying reasons for the criticisms, realization of the solutions to be decided, when functional strategies are used, can become constructive for people and contribute to their development, and increase the functionality of life.

It should not be forgotten that, in addition to supporting the relationship, parallel statuses are the cornerstones of the relationship, such as soul harmony, inner closeness, respect, disinterested love, similarity of tolerance levels, and focusing on the same life goals.

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