If you knew there was a different way; Would you still continue to do behaviors that hurt your child, hurt him, ruin your relationship, damage his self-confidence, and make him feel unlovable?
If your answer is NO,
This issue is covered in detail by research by Tina Payne Bryson, Daniel J. Siegel. They have two very useful books to support your parenting that are detailed in understanding your child’s brain and giving it what it needs in an appropriate way. Great resources for dealing with difficult emotions and behaviors. 1. A child with a whole brain 2. Discipline without drama
Realizing that the times when we need discipline are actually one of the most important moments of parenting, when we have the opportunity to shape our children most strongly. When these challenges arise, which will happen, you will not only see them as dire situations of discipline filled with anger, frustration, and drama, but you will find that they are opportunities to connect with your children and guide them into behaviors that are better for them and your entire family.
Let’s think about this a little bit, let’s question the purpose of what we do;
What is the real purpose of the discipline?
What do you want to achieve when your child misbehaves?
Are results your ultimate goal?
Is punishment the goal?
Effective discipline isn’t just about ending bad behavior or encouraging good. It also means that we develop connections in our children’s brains and teach them skills that will help them make better decisions and manage themselves in the future.
Collaborate and get them to do the right thing!
Our children need to LEARN skills such as inhibiting impulses, managing violent emotions, including anger, and thinking about the impact of their behavior on others. They need to learn these life and relationship fundamentals, and if you can provide it to them, you will be offering an IMPORTANT GIFT not only to your children but also to your entire family and even to the rest of the world.
While questioning our relationship styles and discipline methods, it is useful to realize what kind of vicious circle we are in. Often the children act, the parents react, and then the children react. A vicious circle such as SHAKE, FOAM, REPEAT occurs and relationships break down.
For many, or even most parents, the result is the main discipline strategy, along with shouting; times to think, spank, take away privilege, lock in room, and more.
There is no doubt that there is a lot of drama!
Why is a drama-free discipline method important to us?
Because our RELATIONSHIP with our children should come first! It should not be forgotten that; When they do «mischief» is when they NEED communication with us the most.
Connecting is not the same as freedom. By doing this, it does not mean that you are giving him unlimited freedom. Also, “should we say nothing, sir?” it does not drag you into a situation where you give up control. Boundaries are important. The child grows up in a safe environment with limits. The important thing here is to reduce the existing drama.
One way we truly love our children and give them what they need is to offer clear and consistent BOUNDARIES, establish predictable structure in their lives, and have high expectations for them.
Let’s question again, because questioning takes us out of the problem area and brings us closer to problem solving.
What do you really want to achieve when your child is “misbehaving”?
Is it fear, punishment, and drama that we want to use as the main incentive for our children?
So where do these behaviors come from? If you say, “Teacher, I don’t really want to do it, I suddenly find myself shouting or slapping”. You are on autopilot. Autopilot is our first known, learned response. These arise when we know no better, either learned by our ancestral family or developed by ourselves over time. The benefit of switching to autopilot while using motor skills cannot be overstated. However, this place doesn’t quite work when it comes to relationships.
three questions; why, what, how?
Why did my child act like this?
What do I want to teach him right now?
How do I best teach this?
By asking ourselves these three questions, we can get off autopilot more easily when our child does something we don’t want! Asking these questions helps us remember WHO our children ARE and WHAT they NEED.
Here it is useful to know what children basically need and what they are afraid of.
The Three Basic Needs of the Child;
To feel safe
to be accepted
Learning to calm yourself
Three Fundamental Fears;
To be abandoned
being disempowered and suppressed
When your child reveals a behavior and gives a reaction, thinking about what my child might need, at the same time, being able to see if my behavior triggers one of his three basic fears will lead you to give the right reactions.
Our children have the right to be immune from any form of violence, especially from the people they trust most, who they believe are protecting them. A more important issue with spanking is what happens to the child, physiologically and neurologically. The brain perceives pain as a threat. When a parent inflicts physical pain on a child, that child encounters an insoluble biological contradiction. He escapes and turns to the bond he trusts. This causes dysfunction in the brain. This is called REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER.
isolating the child for a long time
intimidate by threats
Exhibiting other forms of verbal or psychological aggression
TIMES TO THINK
Why do reflection times breed more drama? Because at such times the child feels in Isolation. He perceives being given time to think as rejection! Reflection times often cause children to be unable to think about themselves or what they are doing, making them more angry and impairing their response!
Instead of thinking times; An insight break or a break together is better suited to our ultimate purpose. Here we create an emotional space for him and accept his feeling. It’s good to help create a calming zone, to give the child a choice and a place that helps with self-regulation and self-calming, avoiding emotional overload. During the insight break and when we take a break together, after acknowledging the feeling, and calming down, “What idea do you have to improve the situation and solve this problem? What can you do to fix this?» By saying this, you support re-editing skills with a second chance. It would be good to avoid giving advice here and talking about where the parent solves the problem.
Experiences really change the brain! If repeated experiences actually change the physical architecture of the brain, it is crucial that we be mindful of the experiences we give our children. (TV, videos with violent content, violence in the family, insults…. etc.)
In good experiences, it enables the brain to develop and change in a positive way. Making connections and directing is one of those things that change the brain in a positive way. Discipline without drama will give you a chance to communicate with your child in a way that makes both of you feel better, builds trust and respect between you and your child, and reduces drama in most disciplinary situations.
CONFIGURING THE BRAIN BY SETTING LIMITS
Many parents say “NO” too often. They often say this automatically, even when it’s not necessary. Stop touching that balloon! No running! Pouring! It’s actually a conditional “yes” that is much more effective than a “no”! Yes, you can take a bath later. Yes, we will read another story, but we will have to do it tomorrow. Etc.
WHAT IS THE MESSAGE OF CONNECTING?
It teaches children what it means to be in a relationship and to love, even if we don’t like the choices of the person we love.
OK, ANGRY SEIZURES
A child with a tantrum is not in a “teachable moment”. Remember, you can’t teach someone to swim while they’re drowning! Their nervous systems are already overloaded, and the more we talk, the more emotional input we fill their system. Ignoring a child in the middle of a tantrum is one of the worst things we can do. Because when a child is sad, he is really in pain. It is devastated.
Making a connection – understanding the feeling – holding on tight is the best thing to do.
I can see you’re angry, I’m with you, I won’t hurt you, I won’t let you hurt yourself, things or me. You are safe. (it’s important to be clear)
I know you’re upset and have trouble controlling your body. I will help you.
DRAMLESS CONNECTION CYCLE
Relax: Eye level, touching « I am here, I will comfort you and help you.» It also calms the parents.
Confirm: Establishing a link with confirmation is important. Identifying the emotion. It develops a dictionary of emotions and calms the autonomic nervous system and calms violent emotions. It can start to curb the urge to attack.
Listen: Stop talking and listen
Reflect: reflect what you hear. Benefit: no matter how they behaved, they were with them. transmits.
Insight + empathy = mind eye « Integration and healing of wounds » How can you fix this?
Insight = what happened, how did you feel? Let’s try another way to do this better!
Empathy=how could he have felt?
Identify the Problem, am I ready, is my child ready? Check it out. Be consistent, not rigid. Because Strictness is about «obstinacy» Contribute to the desired result by developing the eye of the mind, “How can you fix this. I’m sure you can say it more respectfully if you try again.”
For example; In trespassing behavior, it can be helpful to make a connection and redirect, “Are you going to say something about these? Do you know what it’s called taking something that doesn’t belong to you? Did you know that the woman who works in the shop spends money to buy these?
Being playful is a great way to puncture a child’s bubble of intense emotion. This way you can regain control. « the brain loves innovation »
No plant has grown better because I wanted it that way. But they thrive when they receive the right care in the right environment, which, in my opinion, is a place where they are loved and sometimes talked about. It takes constant research and vigilance to prepare the right environment and nourishment for plants – as well as for humans.
«Creating Humans-Virginia Satir»
1. Bryson T., Siegel D. (2014) Discipline Without Drama
2. Booth P., Jernberg A. (2014). Theraplay Book 1Helping Parents and Children Build Better Relationships Through Attachment-Based Play