Dependence on the Mother and Fear of Separation

The first year of life is a period when the baby is completely dependent on the mother. When the child starts walking and running, he likes to see the mother around him and to be with him, although he has the desire to move on his own and be independent. Until the age of 3, when socialization skills are acquired, children try to separate from their mothers while continuing their addiction. It is expected that this dependent relationship, which is seen up to the age of 3, will decrease after this age, and the relationship dimension will turn from addiction to commitment. We see that addiction, which is expected to decrease by the age of 3, continues for many years in our society, and even that many adults with children continue to be dependent on their own mothers. It can be said that the separation process does not occur in the expected time and the continuation of addiction is caused by the attitudes of the parents. It is known that mothers of children who develop addiction are overprotective and fathers are more distant or both parents have an overprotective attitude. From the age of 2, children want to do some work on their own and they insist on this. It is necessary to give the child the opportunity to do some work on his own in accordance with his age and to support the child. Children aged 3-4 can do things on their own or with little support, such as eating, dressing, collecting toys, washing hands, and properly meeting their toilet needs. Not allowing a child with these skills to do his job on his own and doing everything instead increases the child’s dependence on the mother and negatively affects his self-confidence. The addicted child does not leave his mother’s skirt, cannot even bear the mother’s going to the toilet, cannot be alone even for a short time, acts insecure and timid, has difficulty in establishing relationships with his peers, becomes a child who constantly cries and whines.

Addiction, which is considered normal until the age of 3, is expected to decrease from this age. In cases of addiction that continues after this age, parents first of all need to accept that their child is no longer a baby in need of care, but a growing individual. It is necessary to support and guide him in the works he can do on his own, to give him confidence that he can do it, and to give him the opportunity to express his wishes.

Children can be separated from their mothers for short periods from infancy. At the age of 3-4, they can stay away from the mother all day long, and even for a few weeks in compulsory situations, they can endure being separated from the mother. Addictive children, on the other hand, have difficulty in staying in a separate room from their mother and playing games on their own, even at home. Contrary to popular belief, the fear of separation is not only seen in children of working mothers. When told in appropriate language, children understand and accept that their mother has to go to work and will return home in the evening. Every child is uneasy about leaving his mother’s side, and worries about whether he will return or not. This anxiety is experienced more intensely in children with continuing addiction characteristics compared to other children. Ensuring that the child stays with people he knows and trusts for a short time, giving accurate information about where to go and when to return, showing this on the clock if necessary, and telling you that he can call you if the conditions are suitable are methods that will facilitate the child’s learning to stay away from the mother.

Children who have difficulty separating from their mothers have difficulties in going to kindergarten and adapting. Kindergarten is not only an environment where the child is looked after or plays, but also a social environment where his socialization skills develop, he learns to obey the rules, to establish relations with his peers and to share. Especially the children who continue to be addicted to go to kindergarten reduce this addiction. However, here again, parental attitudes play an important role. First of all, parents should accept that kindergarten plays an important role in the social learning environment and social development of the child. It is very difficult for a child who has never been separated from his mother to suddenly enter an unfamiliar environment and stay there. When the thought of starting a kindergarten occurs, you can start by ensuring that the child stays with people he/she has known for short periods, at least a few months ago. In cases where this is not possible, again a few months in advance, explaining the kindergarten environment to the child, the activities to be done there, showing what it is like by passing in front of the kindergartens, visiting different kindergartens and playing for short periods are activities that will enable the child to get to know the kindergarten. It is important to tell when you will take him to the nest, when and who will take it, by specifying the activity, and to tell what he will do in the nest during the day when he starts the nest. It is very important to tell the truth about the pick-up time and to comply with it as much as possible for the development of the child’s sense of trust. Many children who are afraid of separation try various ways not to go to kindergarten. Crying, abdominal pain, vomiting are the most common symptoms in these ages. Not sending the child to the kindergarten in the face of these reactions will make it difficult to get used to the kindergarten and will reinforce the addiction. At this point, it is necessary to be determined and calm, not to react because she cries or vomits, to ensure that she goes to the nest unless there is a physical problem, and not to prolong the separation ceremonies at the door of the nest. It should not be forgotten that in cases where separation anxiety is not resolved in the pre-school period, similar situations will be seen in the school period.

If parents want to raise dependent children, they should:

  • Do everything for the child.

  • Understand and fulfill their requests without expressing them.

  • Don’t accept that he’s grown up and act like he’s still a baby.

  • Do not allow opportunities to develop their skills.

  • Avoid activities (such as eating) that he insists on doing on his own by saying, “You can’t, you can’t.”

  • Carry it in a stroller or on your lap even though it can walk.

  • Always use phrases like “Oh, stop, you will fall”.

  • Don’t leave it with you, don’t let it stay with people you know.

When you do these, be sure that your child will be dependent on you for life, you

Can’t do anything without it.

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