I took the public bus recently. A mother said to her child, “Stay relaxed or I won’t let you out again.” it was said. The child stays calm for a few minutes, gets upset, and then the mother warns him again. Then the child takes action again and the mother says, “Look, your brother did this, I didn’t take him out, I’m not taking him out. If you don’t get comfortable, I won’t take you out again.” he repeated. I looked at the child and the following scene came to my mind: The child has grown up, lost his self-confidence, maybe has social phobia, knocked on my door, he wants psychological support from me, he wants to get rid of this situation. So I was really upset. I wanted to write an article about it. I hope that will be useful.
Probably many parents experience this situation frequently. But how should parents behave in such situations or in other similar situations? How does he behave so that the child does not lose his self-confidence? Whatever he says, the child does not cease to be a real individual. Whatever he says, the child will not have difficulties in his future life.
First of all, parents should try to understand the child’s feelings. It should make the child feel that he understands what the child wants to do. We need to make the child think: Wow, my parents understood me. So the child should be able to feel understood. In the meantime, if you want, let’s adapt this to the world of adults so that our awareness can develop more and see how you will feel. Let’s say you have a spouse, brother, sister, or other adult with you and they want to move a little, maybe move, maybe get up. And you turn to him and say, “Look, relax or I won’t let you out again.” or “I will never go out with you again.” or “Just relax, what the heck?” Think about it, what happens, what happens, how do you feel? How does your interlocutor feel, what does he think? Moreover, this person is an adult and this adult can prevent the urge to act and control it. However, the child cannot even control this, on the contrary, this desire to act is in his nature. I can’t help but point out this: inactivity is a situation contrary to the creation of the child. Please think about how right it is to expect the child to look like a candle. Think about your own childhood. After explaining these, let’s show the dialogue that should take place.
Mom: I think you want to move.
Child: Either says yes or nods in agreement.
Mom: Tired of standing here like that, aren’t you?
Child: He does the same movement again.
Mom: Do you know that I also have this request you have? I also want to move.
Child: Surprised, laughs.
Mother: But isn’t the car in motion now?
Child: Yes mom, the car is moving very fast.
Mom: Don’t you think we’ll lose our balance if he makes a sudden move?
Child: Yes mom.
Mother: When we lose our balance, we can fall to the ground and get injured, right?
Child: Yes, mother, we both get hurt badly.
Mom: What do you think it would be like if we were a little more patient with him?
Child: You’re right, mommy.
Unfortunately, our communication with children is really very negative. So what else is going on? Let’s consider a dinner. Everyone is at the table. Mom puts food on the plates. Of course, our thoughtful mother puts a lot of food on the child’s plate because she thinks about the child and her development, and says there is no getting up from the table before that plate is finished. Even if the child causes trouble not to eat the food that is put in front of him every time, he knows that the winner will be the mother and eats his food. Or the child, my stomach is full, but since my mother says so, I am actually not full, I am hungry because mothers know everything. I wonder if he has mysterious powers and eats his food again. Therefore, in the light of these thoughts, the child will eat the food that is put in front of him every time, and he will probably become obese and follow the mother-child dietitian. Another possibility is that the child will whine for not eating the food, and the mother will force the child to eat it. But teacher, you say it’s nice, but if we don’t do this, the children will not eat anything, they will turn out to be skinny people. Well, dear mothers, think about your childhood. (or the childhood of others) Mothers give a bread to children’s hands, sometimes that bread is spread with tomato paste, sometimes dry bread is given. How hungrily they would eat that bread, how quickly they would finish it. Because those mothers would not force their children to eat food. Even because the child was hungry, he would come and ask the mother himself. After that, our current mothers are suffering: Teacher, our children are very unhappy. No matter what we do, we can’t make it. Of course he won’t be happy. You are not a toy for the child, you are buying an extra toy, you are adding extra food to his plate, you are not taking the child out at all, and you are protecting the child extra extra when he does. They don’t say that too much of everything is bad for nothing.
Well, let’s get back to our topic. Should the mother put more or less food on the child’s plate while serving meals? In such a case, the child should be told: Wouldn’t it be better to have as much food as you can eat? Because when the food stays on the plate, it goes to waste. It is disrespectful to God, who gave us these blessings, to waste this food. Then disrespect to the farmer who contributed to the growth of the food in this dish, then disrespect to the grocery uncle from whom we bought it. Then disrespect for the money that allows us to buy them. Then wouldn’t it be disrespectful to our Father who earned that money, and then to me who cooked and prepared these dishes? Probably the child will say you are right mommy. And if the child has the strength to take his food, he should take it himself, if not, he should leave it on his plate by asking the child “How much dinner should I leave on the plate, mommy?” This behavior will both contribute to the personal and moral development of the child, and the child will not become obese. In this way, we will reduce one person in the fight against obesity.
I would like to end my article by giving another example. Parents and children are all at home. The boy made a beautiful picture. He wants to show his father the picture, but just then, the father has a serious argument with the mother. The child is constantly pulling at his father to show the picture. The father turns to his daughter for a while and says hello, daughter, and the girl shows the picture, but the father returns to his argument with the mother. When the girl shows her picture, while waiting for her father’s appreciation, she sees that her father continues to argue with her mother. Finally, the girl says what would happen if the father looked at her and returns, while the parents continue their discussion. Who knows how many times this scene takes place in how many homes in my country. How many children may have been broken in this way, saddened. Well, my dear psychologist, what would you do in such a situation? What would I do? Let me tell you. First, when my daughter tugged at me, I would bend down to my daughter’s height, look into her eyes and say, wait a minute, my daughter, try to finish my conversation with my wife (or would I say wait a minute to my wife) and turn to my daughter. That way, I would make them both feel valued.