All of the emotions (positive-negative) shared in relationships are actually created by bringing meanings from the relationship that people have with their caregivers during infancy and childhood. The bond established with the caregiver during infancy and childhood determines the limits of the infant’s capacity to experience emotion (receiving and giving emotion). They come together with these past experiences of the people in the relationship and try to experience the emotions in their own way. The capacity to love, the destructive level of anger, the awareness of compassion all serve the emotional satisfaction of the relationship. And the limits in these feelings begin to emerge gradually in the next phase of the relationship after the meeting phase. This can result in two ways. If people have the same or more recent background emotion awareness, shared meaning is experienced correctly and the emotional satisfaction of the relationship is at or near the point where it should be. The other result is that a common meaning cannot be made in the emotion due to the life styles that do not have a common point with each other. In fact, it is very difficult to determine this situation. People realize that there is no fluid feeling in their relationship, but they have difficulty in determining the reason for this. If an example is given to determine this situation;
The form of liking; In the coexistence of people who have sharp boundaries in the form of communicative love or behavioral love, problems arise in establishing bonds due to the fact that the sharing of love between partners is at very different points. The partner who verbally expresses his love may argue that he is the person who loves him more in the relationship. They may describe their love as constantly revealing rather than showing, or they may think that their partner defines them in this way. The partner, who expresses his love in behavioral ways, may appear to be ‘insensitive’ and criticize because he expresses his love in very indirect ways. In this form of love, the partners who are at the border points may not be able to self-criticize and do not accept criticism. They think that expressing love indirectly is more valuable and ignore the verbal needs of the other person.
Starting from our example, although this problematic is generally defined as a problem of communication in relationships, what we understand from emotions, how we fill the emotion, our previous experiences about this emotion, what the primary or secondary emotion is during experiencing the emotion is important. Once the problem has been identified, we can talk about ‘communication’ as a solution.
The meaning of the emotion should be made by drawing the individual emotions chart of the partners, and then the middle ways between the meanings placed on the relational emotion theme of the partners should be found. A ‘common sense’ of the relationship should be made with the assignments to be given to change the behavioral patterns.
So, if there is a gap between the one who feels the emotion and the one who is felt about the emotion, our message is not going in the right way. This is why we need to stop and understand the ‘commodity feeling’ of our emotions and share this with the person we are in a relationship with in the most transparent way. Is it time now to make our own emotional map and give ourselves/relationship a gift?