Imagine your 4-year-old child returning home from kindergarten with a painting. Your child said he made this painting himself, and you hung it together on the refrigerator door as a token of pride, so your child can take pride in having his painting displayed in a visible corner of the house. In the following days, a group of friends from kindergarten and their mother came to you for a playgroup invitation that you gave at your house. What is this! One of the boys says that the picture on the cover of his refrigerator belongs to him and he wants it back. And the picture is indeed his! He did it diligently in his painting work at school and then thought he had lost it. She cried a lot at school and at home. You felt embarrassed, embarrassed, or perhaps as a parent, you felt unsuccessful about being able to convey the right values to your child in the face of this inappropriate behavior. In fact, deep down, you felt angry with your child for causing this or thinking that he did not receive the education you gave him. As you can see, you can feel many different emotions about a situation. But how will you solve this problem? “Children do this. He doesn’t know yet, he learns over time”
“How does he embarrass me, is that how I raised him”
“How to take possession of something that belongs to someone else, that’s outright retention, maybe even theft.” “Oh my God! Or am I not educating my child properly?”
Many similar thoughts may accompany your feelings. However, instead of getting lost in the emotions and thoughts, taking a step back and determining a routine that you can follow in every problem you encounter will give much more permanent and quality results in the long run. While developing a possible solution plan for the problem in this example, let’s examine together a problem-solving routine that you can follow in almost every problem in your child’s development process.
When you encounter the problem:
one. describe the problem.
Try to understand what could be the cause of the problem. Understanding the causes correctly enables you to develop the right solutions. When you approach the problem in this way, you protect yourself from being reactive, and you switch to a more pedagogical approach, which is responsive. By the way, we can also mention the reactive-responsive difference.
When you are reactive, you focus only on the apparent behavior. Your relationship with your child also remains on a more superficial dimension, as you do not try to see the underlying causes and needs. However, when you choose to be responsive, you focus on understanding the reasons and needs behind the apparent behavior. Thus, every step you take to solve the problem with your child strengthens our relationship. You can set limits on his behavior, but you also understand the emotion and reflect to the child that he or she is understood.
The child in this example may have liked his friend’s picture very much. He may have wished that he could have drawn the same picture himself. He may have wanted to see the light that would shine in your eyes when he heard that he had drawn this picture, which he found wonderful. There could be many reasons. As you try to understand your child, it will be easier for you to see the real reason behind it and develop a solution for this reason.
2. Set the target.
Desires and actual actions are not the same thing. You may desire something very much, but doing it is another matter. Because we are social creatures, we consider the consequences and possible effects of our desires before we act. For this very reason, every
We don’t do what we want. Understanding the difference between desire and reality is a developmental skill. Children learn this skill in social life with the help of us. The child in this example may not yet have made a clear distinction between what belongs to him and what belongs to someone else. Although he is aware of the distinction, he may not be mature enough to filter his desires through reality. In this way, trying to understand the real cause will help you set the right goal in solving the problem.
3. Find alternative solutions.
You’ve identified the problem and identified the possible causes, then set the target. At this stage, you are clearly aware of what you are dealing with and what you are trying to solve. Then you can start thinking of solutions.
Again, to return to our example, this child does not yet have the capacity to make a full distinction between fantasy and reality. So let’s say you want to give him this awareness over time. In this case, your goal may be to teach your child the difference between desire and behavior, and between fantasy and reality. Thus, you can achieve your goal of raising a virtuous person by preventing him from reaching out to someone else’s property in this way.
Your goal is clear, but you may still be confused about how to do it. The key phrase here is “respond to emotion and set limits to behavior”. A sentence like this can help your child develop awareness of their feelings and desires. “I think you really liked that picture. You would love to paint a picture like that too. I understand you.” You have formed the sentence that will raise awareness of the child’s desire and you have accepted his feeling with compassion. “But you know? If you like this picture very much, you can ask your friend to draw a similar one for you. Or we can sit down with you and draw a similar picture together that you will like again. Because I know that you liked that picture your friend drew so much and you wanted the same picture to be with you.” At this stage, you made the child think of alternative solutions so that he could realize his desire. It’s over, of course it’s not 🙂 Now you have to pass on your own moral family values to him about why he can’t claim what belongs to someone else as he wishes. “Everyone has their own thing. For example, do you remember the picture we made on your birthday? You made it, it was yours. Just like that, your friend’s picture is his, and accuracy is very important to us. Our family rule is to always tell the truth and not care for other people’s belongings. not to touch without permission.” Bingo, you made the child realize his desire, embraced his emotion with compassion, offered alternative solutions, and conveyed your family values as to why he shouldn’t do it again. No shame, no shaming, no punishment, communication and trust.
4. Consider how these alternative solutions would work.
Think about these problem-solving steps you’ve created. If you want your child to be an individual who can think about his own feelings and desires and organize his actions accordingly, you should be able to do this first. What emotions have you experienced since you learned in front of everyone that the painting did not belong to him? What did you want to do in the first place? Did you want to embarrass him, too, for turning around and embarrassing you? Have you thought about your family values and wanted to punish him immediately for fear of doing wrong in the future? Or did you say that this is a child, it learns by itself over time and you want to ignore it?
5. Select a solution to try.
Follow these steps, which you have determined above, in order for each problem. You can also benefit from supplementary children’s books, games or digital content in a time and theme appropriate for their age.
6. Evaluate the result and if the solution doesn’t work try something else. Based on the example mentioned here, we have determined the steps you can follow when your child has a problem. It will be a great gift you can give your child if you follow these steps consistently every time. Your way of approaching problems will turn into his approach to his own problems over time. However, displaying an unseen attitude in the face of problems or scattering your feelings by getting out quickly will both weaken your relationship and make your child inadequate in problem-solving skills in the long run. For this reason, when you feel that your plan is not working, start the process from the beginning by thinking about the possible causes of the problem. Your child needs to see a parent who is not wrong at all, on the contrary, who is wrong like himself, but who strives to find solutions to his mistakes.