Can’t You Trust Anyone Or Have You Been Taught?

What is attachment? How does it affect our daily lives and the way we connect? How important is how we connect in our relationships? How do our childhood relationships affect our future relationships?

First, we must begin by understanding the concept of “attachment”. Attachment is the bond of trust between the caregiver and the baby, based on prenatally. Said bond may be strengthened by meeting the needs of the baby, or weakened by ignoring the baby, or no bond can be established at all. The attachment between the caregiver and the baby will affect any relationship that the baby will have in the future, because it means three situations for the baby who cares; proximity, security and shelter.

In a scenario where the baby’s every need is met and has a positive relationship with the caregiver, the baby will start by learning positive thoughts that the world is a beautiful place. This will make it much more likely to be a “securely attached” child. The securely attached child has positive thoughts about himself and others because the caregiver is always there for him, and generalizes this attitude of the caregiver to everyone.

Now let’s look at a negative scenario, that is, the baby’s needs are not met and ignored by the caregiver. The baby will start by learning negative schemas towards the world, other people and himself, in other words, he will initiate the pattern of “insecure attachment”. In this case, the baby will appear as an anxious or avoidant attachment child.

Children who typically threaten to leave their caregivers constantly or exhibit inconsistent behavior often show an anxious attachment pattern. Anxiety-attached children exhibit a schema that is unsure of the caregiver’s future in times of need. For this reason, resistance in case of separation with the caregiver and inability to calm down when reuniting are observed.

Children whose caregivers ignore the child’s needs and do not empathize with them are more likely to have avoidant attachment. In children with avoidant attachment, there is no confidence that the caregiver will meet their needs. Therefore, they try to control everything that is going on around them. They experience anger problems and low self-esteem.

So, are these childhood attachment patterns also effective in our adult relationships? Yes, it is effective. The baby’s world-recognition schemas we mentioned above are their first schemas against everything and everyone. Whether these are positive or negative will form the basis of future views and attachment patterns in relationships.

Let’s go back to the first baby, the “securely attached” baby. In her first life, her caregiver met her needs, so she created a schema with positive thoughts about the world. The same schemas can continue into adulthood as they continue in childhood, and with this continuation, we can see the “securely attached” adult pattern. The securely attached adult sees himself as lovable and treats the people around him as well. He is self-confident, independent and autonomous. They can relate to other people very easily.

On the other side of the coin, the insecurely attached child may show three types of attachment in adulthood; obsessive, fearful and indifferent.

Adults who are obsessively attached see themselves as unworthy and unlovable. They are constantly in need of approval. They want to establish a close relationship, but they intensely experience the anxiety that the person with whom they will establish a close relationship will leave them. They have unrealistic expectations about their relationship.

Fearfully attached adults are in a similar situation to obsessive attachments, but they have an extreme need for love rather than approval. Despite this need for love, they do not approach other people because they perceive them as rejecting, they describe themselves as unacceptable. They do not participate in social environments due to low self-confidence.

Indifferently attached adults, on the other hand, reject other people, unlike the other two adult attachment patterns. They do not trust or need other people because they are so rejected by the caregiver. They attach great importance to their autonomy and individuality. They distrust other people and stay away from them, thereby maintaining their self-confidence. He has a very strong belief that others will not support him.

As we can see, our experiences with our caregivers, which we live in our infancy and even before infancy, cause us to form our attachment style. You can change your attachment style not only with your parents but also with the therapy process. We are always with you with our expert staff to get support in this process.

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