“We should not make the mistake of trying to derive the great feeling of love from a lover. This is because women’s efforts to find and sing the hymn of creation is a job they can handle alone.” Says Clarissa P. Estes.
Unless they are suppressed and oppressed, women will gain their vitality and light up first themselves, then a man, a house, a child. The feeling of love is inside us, what a mistake it is to try to get it from someone else.
A journey that requires change and development before and after marriage. First of all, the feeling of love is a feeling that changes a person’s perspective. But the important question here is: “Who will this change be for?” “Who will benefit from what?” “The ‘me’ that will appear at the end of this change; Will it be someone we’re happy to meet, or someone completely different, shaped by someone else’s wishes?”
If we are married, let’s think about me before and after marriage. If we’re not married, let’s review our thoughts. How did we dress during our meetings with our partner before we got married? How was the course of our discussions? Were we able to accept our partner as they are, and did we express our criticisms in a proper way? Then think about the processes of all these issues after marriage. If the difference between the two is clear, it would be useful to review our behaviors, thoughts, and most importantly, ourselves.
The intensity of emotion before marriage, the desire to be liked and accepted, and the fear of losing can guide our behavior. We dress for our partner, not for ourselves, we keep silent at points that do not feel right to us, thinking ‘don’t be offended or offended’. Even though there are features and behaviors that we do not approve of in our partner, we ignore them because we experience fear of losing them together with intense emotion, and how our criticisms are appropriate and kind… These are the points that we focus on sensitively in order to get closer.
After marriage, the process of dressing for our partner goes towards not paying attention with the idea of ’I got married anyway’. Behaviors that do not seem right to us begin to catch our eye one by one, we make criticisms out of place, and the discussions are incessant. Together, we get the thought of ‘as if it wasn’t like this before’. However, it was before. But we saw as much as we wanted to see beforehand, or we got the idea that it would change anyway. When we look back at the processes that we used to say that everything is ok, we realize that we actually do a lot of things that we don’t like. That’s why, while we take an attitude not to lose our partner before marriage, we fight to not lose our self after marriage.
The processes mentioned above are just a few of the problems that couples will experience before and after each marriage. First of all, the question we need to ask ourselves is: “Do I want a false life away from myself, or a free life with someone who accepts me for who I am?” After giving the answer to this as a free life, the troublesome issues mentioned above will become birds and not fly, of course, they will appear again. But our behavior and perspective will change. We will dress in the way we think we are beautiful and happy, not for our partner (of course, we can get their opinions, we often look at ourselves through the eyes of our loved ones), there will be no situations that we postpone with the words ‘don’t be offended, don’t be upset’, we will be able to say the things that feel right to us on time and on the spot, paying attention to the style, there will be no arguments. Instead of hiding real feelings, we will know that the discussion brings out differences, that it is improving and healing, provided that it is not physically and psychologically harmful, we will have the courage to “I am not” if being ourselves in a relationship will lead us to be excluded and this will force us to submit.
We will love ourselves first. We will hug ourselves first, both spiritually and physically. First we will accept and love ourselves with our mistakes. We will begin to love a man, a house, a child, knowing that love is not all about a perfect and happy life. With his mistakes. without waiting for them.