In the face of the ‘need to understand’, which is the biggest problem of the human being who comes to this world, it even has another problem right next to it: ‘The need to be understood’.
Yes, these two issues stand before humanity as a need that bleeds deep wounds if not resolved.
‘The need for understanding or the search for meaning is the subject of another article. The subject of this article is about the second biggest human problem, the ‘need to be understood’…
Every person needs to share the feelings that go through his heart or the ideas in his mind with someone else. In fact, one of the most satisfying things is to share the subtle feelings and thoughts that exist in one’s own heart and mind with a heart that can be fully understanding and responsive to itself.
Everyone wants to be understood. This desire to be understood includes all three dimensions of emotion, thought, Spiritual/spiritual and behavior. But can this need of understanding be always met? What if it’s not met? This is the part that is closely related to the psychological health of human beings. Because, like every unmet need and desire, failure to meet this desire and need will stress the person both at the conscious and unconscious level. Since this level of stress depends on the inability to meet a basic need for one’s existence, of course, it will be different from the stress level of a person who cannot buy any object that he or she sees in the window while walking on the street. The state of being (not) understood results in the state of ‘loneliness’, which sometimes feels like absence. Because the person was deprived of another basic need such as ‘acceptance’ and was rejected because it was not understood in a sense. Almost everyone knows the pain of rejection. A person in this situation suffers on the one hand, and on the other hand, struggles to control and suppress his feelings and thoughts that cause him to be excluded from society because he is not understood, or to bring them to a level that can be understood. Of course, like every struggle, this struggle also causes tension, anxiety and fears on the person. Therefore, the person will look for ways to reduce this tension and will spend a large part of his energy to reduce this tension to the ‘quiet’ level.
This form of energy expenditure, on the other hand, is either outward-oriented or inward-oriented, depending on the temperament of the person. In other words, the person will either look for a way to make himself accepted. He will fight with people who don’t understand him, considering them as people who don’t want to understand them. In fact, this struggle is the very existence of trying to make one’s existence accepted. Because the person who is not understood has not found any reflection in any heart or mind. Especially if the person has not even found the environment to express these feelings and thoughts, think about the rest. So it’s like it doesn’t exist… because it’s a sign of existence, thought and emotion, feeling, state and behavior. Understanding that emotion and thought is, in a sense, the acceptance of existence. A person who perceives such a threat to his existence chooses a different way of proving existence against those who create that threat. Usually, this struggle is in the form of feelings, thoughts and behaviors contrary to the society (or the person in front of him). In other words, aggression… Of course, as is known, the degrees of aggression are also different.
Another type of struggle is internal struggle. It is formed as a result of a person’s desire not to enter into direct conflict with the society in which he lives (which can be a person or a small group related to his thoughts) for a wide variety of reasons. The person spends his struggle to make his existence accepted, trying to bring his own feelings and thoughts to an acceptable level. As a result, this results in an introverted, non-aggressive and incapable personality. A person in this situation cannot show an existence because he has problems with his own existence, even at a certain level.
Not being accepted, which is the result of not being understood, creates individuals who do not (can) not trust themselves in an environment that is insecure in terms of existence. Self-confidence here refers to not seeing its existence as acceptable at the level of other people’s existence.
As a result of not being understood, the individual who cannot reach a realistic level of acceptance regarding his own existence cannot fully and realistically satisfy his need for understanding.
Unsatisfied needs for meaning and understanding-acceptance result in various spiritual problems.
However, the easiest and only way to help people who face many problems in the psychological world because they are not understood, that is, not accepted, is to talk.
Yes, our ancestors said that people can get along by talking to each other. They ‘get along’, that is, they mutually understand each other. We have seen people who are filled with joy, relieved, relaxed and calmed down by listening to their thoughts that they hide inside and that they can’t/can’t share with anyone, even if you don’t accept them. We all know that one of the greatest evils that can be done to a person is to ignore him. As such, it seems that one of the greatest favors that can be done to a person is to accept him as existing. However, even hell is said to be a kind of mercy because it is salvation from non-existence.
It is obvious that expecting someone else to understand and accept us will impose a heavy burden on human psychology. The only way not to be crushed under the weight of begging for the heart is to choose a single authority and authority as the receiving authority, since the authority to accept us is to see the addressee in the position of needy. The person needs to learn to accept himself and to be able to get approval from himself. He should be able to draw strength from the ‘power’ in his own heart, and be able to refer to his own essence. He needs to live consistently with his own value system.