Attachment Styles

You may be feeling unhappy in your relationship. You can always choose the same type of people as partners, think that the other person does not love you enough, or vice versa, you may be afraid of commitment. So what lies beneath it? According to attachment theory, the relationships we establish with our parents (especially the mother) as children are reflected in the close relationships we will establish in adulthood. Accordingly, there are 4 different attachment styles:

Adults with a secure attachment style receive more satisfaction from their relationships, have no problems establishing intimacy, and have a positive attitude towards both themselves and their relationships. During their childhood, they were able to safely explore the world around them by receiving love and attention from their mother.

Adults with an anxious attachment style feel insecure. They are constantly looking for questions, attention and sincerity. They constantly question whether their partner loves them, and they want to spend most of their time with him. The fear of abandonment is very high. During childhood, the mother behaved inconsistently, sometimes showing interest and sometimes being indifferent.

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style do not like long relationships or commitment. Close relationships feel stifling, exhausting, and intrusive. They suppress and do not reflect negative emotions. They have trouble trusting people. During childhood, the mother was inadequate and uninterested in meeting her child’s emotional needs.

Anxious-avoidant attachments, on the other hand, have mixed feelings about relationships. They avoid getting too close with their partners but desire to be in a relationship. They have bumpy relationships and fear both abandonment and intimacy. These people may have traumatic memories from the past. During childhood, the mother both failed to meet her emotional/physical needs and responded to the child’s problems by shouting, arousing anger and fear.

But can we change our attachment style? Studies show positive results in this regard: When we start a relationship with a partner who attaches securely, albeit difficult and slowly, some insecure behaviors may change over time. Of course, with psychotherapy, you may also realize the characteristics of your attachment style that you were not aware of before.

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