Many of the problems experienced in marriage are due to deficiencies and mistakes in the field of communication. Sometimes a sexual problem is caused by the inability to convey the anger to the spouse well, sometimes cultural differences can turn into lifelong reproaches due to poor communication. Constantly being stuck in the past, meaningless and endless arguments are always due to a lack of communication. Reading the mind of the spouse, talking at the same time, opening another discussion from any part of the subject without listening are examples that disrupt communication. Most of the time, Communication turns into a war of justification. However, thanks to good communication, it is possible to agree on almost every issue, and to compromise in cases where agreement is not possible.
One of the interventions that I think is the most effective in couples therapy is communication with feedback. This method, which we teach to every couple who comes to therapy, creates a very powerful transformation in couples. It becomes easier for the couple to understand and reconcile with each other. It becomes possible to apply this technique, which is learned in the therapy environment, at home.
Although it will not solve every problem, I aim to share with you this method, which, if applied carefully, will make you happy with its positive results and contribute to your happiness.
Now sit in two comfortable chairs and, with firm eye contact, tell your partner what matters most to you. Do not use long sentences, explain clearly and briefly. The longer and more detailed the conversation, the less effective and understandable you will be. What matters is what the listener will do. I have deemed it appropriate to write them item by item below.
1-All you have to do is listen to your partner and give feedback.
2-Never interrupt when your spouse is talking, but don’t make sentences like you did it, listen to it until the end.
3-Listen to what he has to say, even if you think you are right.
4- Clarify the areas that are not understood by only asking questions
5-After your spouse’s speech is over, tell him what you heard from him, using the words he used himself. Finally, ask him if I understood you correctly.
6-The speech of each spouse should last a maximum of 3-4 minutes. Longer conversations lose their effectiveness and make it difficult to focus (I suggest you study through an hour).
Now it’s your turn so whoever listens first can answer now, and the other spouse listens now, adhering to the same, above principles.
Feeling heard and understood has an almost magical effect, and the person immediately begins to listen with a positive ear. Once both partners feel understood, a solution or compromise will come by itself.
I wish you all a healthy and well-communicated married life.